Some of them will not attend church. In the state of mind that they are in, they feel that they do not need to be reminded of what they are or are not doing properly. Those that never attended church, may start. The crisis is different for each and every person. When the time is right, God will work on him. Leave him to reflect back on this special holiday from years past.
You sound like you are more than ready for the holiday to begin. On that note, I wish you a very Merry Christmas and may the holidays be memorable for all of you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, as quick as Christmas came, it went. H just left. He was here when we got back from church last night. It was a pleasant enough celebration, but I think he is struggling.
I was a bit surprised that I felt no strong emotions with H in the house. No awkward moments. No anxiousness. No nothing, really. After the kids opened their gifts this morning, I went on a 4+ mile walk. It was so peaceful. Birds chirping, the sun was warm on my face, and I saw 2 deer. It made me happy. Just enjoying God’s creation. Just taking pleasure out of the small things in life.
I didn’t expect H to initiate any R discussion, or even bring up what is going to happen at the end of the month. He is renting month to month. When he left, he thanked me for having him and gave me a hug. I hung on a bit, and asked him if he was happy living where he was. I know it’s not the DBing thing to do. I knew it before I said it. But, I wanted to. His response “it’s been difficult”. I wanted to say “well, what are you doing about it?”. But, instead I said “Are you heading to any decisions about it”, or something like that. He said “No. Not heading towards any decisions. This is not the time to discuss it", and pretty much bolted from the house. I said "yes, you're right. Now is not the time". I will now leave it alone. He’ll be back this weekend to take down the outside Christmas decorations and see the kids. Perhaps I will be busy and miss the visit.
Earlier in the day I asked him if he still felt suicidal from time to time. He expressed that a few times to me in the past, that sometimes he thinks it would be easier just to end it. After a long pause, he said “I think I’ve already answered that”. I’m assuming he’s referring to our conversation about a month ago, which I posted about on a previous thread. I let it go, but I think he’s really a mess inside. He certainly doesn’t seem happy. I expressed to a friend this weekend that I have a strong (VERY strong) sense of doom and foreboding. Like something tragic is going to happen to H. I’ve had it for several years, on and off. I can’t seem to shake it. I pray that premonition doesn’t come true.
The Bible teaches us that God can show Grace and Mercy on, and Redeem, the most broken people. I am going to continue to pray that HE will some day be able to reach H.
I am glad to read that Christmas came and went w/o a lot of headaches. Yes, your h is struggling in many ways, He's got a lot of work to do and his mind is a total mess. It's the depression that is fueling his struggles. They do think of doom and gloom quite often and more so at night when everything is quiet and they have nothing to calm their minds and they actually have to deal w/the wheels turning w/o any distractions.
He's still got a long way to go and he hasn't hit the very deep, dark depression yet. That will come along about the time as the withdrawal hits him. He will need to have plenty of time and space to deal w/those demons and yes, come full circle and accept the things that he can't change from his childhood.
I think you were very wise in taking that walk this morning. You need to enjoy nature and the quiet time to recharge your batteries. God is always working on people and especially those who are in crisis. He will heal your h and give him the direction he needs. For now...he needs lots of space and time.
Keep the focus on you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He's still got a long way to go and he hasn't hit the very deep, dark depression yet. That will come along about the time as the withdrawal hits him.
I fear he doesn't have the strength or the tools to deal with that deep, dark depression. That is what probably fuels my worry, but I know it's out of my control. I'm curious what you mean by withdrawal. Withdrawal from what?
Withdrawal means pulling away, i.e., they tend to isolate themselves from just about everything. They withdraw from family, friends, co-workers and stay to themselves even more so in this stage. They truly lose interest in everything that they loved or were loving while orbiting the earth. Some of them tend to slack off on eating, some lose more sleep and look even more like zombies and that's when the dark depression hits them the hardest.
When they begin to come out of the withdrawal stage, they will reach out to the people that they have distanced themselves from. Try to remember that the stages are not linear and they can bounce all over the place from anger, replay, withdrawal and depression. This happens for quite some time...
I know that you are worried about him, but you have to have faith in God and in him for now. Pray for him.
Try to keep the focus on you as much as possible.
Grace, there is a thread on this forum that will provide some invaluable info to you. I'm going to link it in here because sometimes that thread gets over looked. Scroll to the July 28th entry because that is where the new links are activated. Hope it helps.
Last edited by job; 12/26/1802:23 PM. Reason: added link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You will know when you've had enough and need to move on. No one can tell you this. You are the one living this experience day in and day out. For those who are still married and/or separated, they come here asking the same questions, but find that if they can take each hour, each day as one day at a time, they can survive. They have been given the gift of time to re-explore what they want to do, they have time to complete those hobbies and tasks that have been put on the back burner for so long, they have time to look within and if they aren't happy w/something about themselves, they can begin fixing those issues and above all else...they learn to love themselves again. We are fixers and planners...and the one thing that I learned is that I can't fix everything and the planner was tossed out years ago. We learn not to sweat the small stuff and most importantly, we learn to laugh again and live our lives to the fullest.
As yet another well-meaning friend said to me this morning "you'll have to make a decision soon" when I told her how lost H seems. My response was "why? I'm not looking for a replacement. I'm moving on and am content with my life now. Why would I want to rush?". I remembered Job's words, and realize I'm really doing most of this, and it has been a gift. I've re-kindled wonderful friendships with 2 dear friends, have reached out to other woman and have realized that they are on their own journey's within their marriages and seem to really appreciate my desire for friendship. I'm enjoying activities, and through my re-found faith, am finding so much peace. I feel free of the anxiety of looking at H and wondering what he's thinking, planning, doing on his phone or the computer. I'm not there 100% as I still look at phone records from time-to time. But, GAL, letting go and letting God IS a gift. I am on God's timeline. I pray that I will continue to have the patience to let God do his work. It may take months, or a few years. But, for now I'm content to wait.
Hi Grace. I saw your MLC thread and thought I'd stop by for a visit.
You've asked and been asked the question about "waiting" a couple of times. I also see that you've been rediscovering yourself and living your life.
I myself believed that my now ex-wife was dealing with a mid-life crisis of some sort. Perhaps she was / is.
Letting go of the outcome completely is something that most of us have difficulty with. People of faith like yourself and many here do their best to put it all in the hands of God. I didn't have that luxury. But I was given some excellent advice here. It was to decide each and every day on what my own fate would be. Eventually, I realized that waiting for her to "come to her senses" was holding me back from living my life and that there was every indication that she was determined to follow the path she had chosen.
I think you need to decide when waiting is holding you back and then let go.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thanks for stopping by Andrew, and for the perspective. I have changed a ton in the last 4 or 5 months, and plan to continually evolve. Who knows where it will lead? I am just trying to let go of the things I have no control over, embrace the journey, live a full life, and learn as I go along.
Well about the suicide part, just be his Lighthouse that's all we can do. But you must detach. W did all of that and said some more.
W would call me at 1am asking for copies of kids birth certificate, I would ask why W would say I am upping my life insurance. I would of course just talk with W about life
Then monster came out, and then again I would get from W I was driving wanted to drive off the bridge
I of course started getting anxiety thinking W was going to commit suicide. My therapist said this is another form of control and therapist was right W was using that as a form Of cake eating.
From therapist protective people that going suicide they don't Announce. Which I started reading more and is true.
Yes I am W lighthouse. But to an extent MLCers when they see us LBS moving on they kind of become a child that didn't get their way.
W has her moments more monstering but also back slides But till this day W hasn't said Sorry.
And to answer your question how we LBS let go and move on. You will know. You will let go if you read my story I went back and fourth with emotions and sometimes I have my moments But can W and I work things out. Honestly I still fight with that.
With that being said it won't be easy for W, W will have to fight for Our love. But do I also think W to far gone the rabbit hole, yes W is lost. All I see is a empty soul. Is heart breaking to see our Spouses going through this. But remember you first.
Remember ONE DAY AT A TIME
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Been wondering what’s easier to deal with, the known or unknown.
Month 3 is coming to a close. As I reported on my post about Christmas, H stated he’s not heading towards any decisions about his (our) situation. When I asked him to move out, it was for 2 months and then we would reassess about where to go from there. He’s not even letting me know at the end of the month what his plans are for the next month, much less initiating any R talk. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations at the time. I guess I envisioned after 2 months he would say “I really want to try to work on the M” OR “I think it’s best we D”. I never imagined he would say Nothing! My mistake. If one can avoid something difficult, why would they do it? Over the summer when we were in MC, I suggested we do nothing, make no decisions, until the end of the year, and he was incredulous. “ That’s over 4 months from now!” he said.
Well, here we are at that time with no end in sight. I guess it’s in his control he feels, so now it’s o.k. Would it be easier to know how this will end? Easier to just rip off the band aid, call it quits, and go into action mode to separate our lives. I’m a doer, and action oriented. But, I remind myself that even though I’m not taking any action on the M right now, I am taking a lot of action on MY life. And that’s a good thing.
He was just here for a brief time to drop something off, and yesterday he took care of all the outdoor Christmas decoration. He continues to do the yard work. That’s the extent of dropping by though. I’m o.k. with that for now. As time goes on, though, I’ve been mulling over telling him not to bother. I’ll take care of the yard. I wonder why he continues to do it? It’s not to see me because he usually does it while I’m at work. Well, just one more mystery.
My posts seem to have a recurring theme: waiting. Even though it’s on my mind a lot, I’m not too anxious about it I realize. This journey has changed me so much, in very positive ways, I think. I’m definitely more content than I was at the beginning of the year.
I’m looking forward to what 2019 is going to bring me.
