Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Dealing with a WW Pt3

So I have been gone both weekend nights and mostly during the day. Took a very long walk today.

Before I went out last night I took a shower and WW cane and knocked on the door. WW didnt want anything specific. But I got another "are you going out tonight?" question. I just responded with an "I may do that yes". Then I left.

I got up this morning an WW immediately told me good morning. I reciprocated. Other than that there has not been any contact.

This IHS is really hurting me. I am detaching physically. However, my emotions are getting to me at night. I know a lot of folks here say to never move out. But i really feel that i need to get away from WW to heal completely. I honestly dont know if i could allow her to come back.

What she did and keeps doing is just disgusting to me.

SoTorn,

It's good that you are getting out of the house. That is incredibly important, and I loved the way you handled her question.

I hear you about feeling the need to get out. My W BDed me and I left the very next day even though she didn't ask me to. I just knew that living with her in that context would have driven me mad. I couldn't have taken it. I moved out and didn't see her again for a month, and then only saw her twice in the following 3 months. That said, I got lucky because I was able to work out a deal with my W which let me move back into the house. Basically she realized that she was the one leaving the MR and so it wasn't fair to ask me to leave the house. I gave her a couple of months to find a place while I road-tripped across the country and then I moved back in to an empty house. I can state unequivocally that the distance and time away from her helped immensely with my healing. I wouldn't have made the progress I have made up to this point without that time and space. I hated it for the first few months, but it was undeniably good for me.

That said, I had a very particular situation and a very reasonable W. Legally you are WAY better off staying in your home and waiting for her to leave. That is why all the old-hands on here recommend it. Definitely don't make a rash, emotional decision to leave (like I did.) Do your research and also try to figure out when/if she is going to leave.

Yes I understood that legally I should stay here. We aren't fighting or anything. In just hurting when she is home because of her lack of remorse and unwillingness to recognize what she has done to this family.

WW cooked dinner. My kids are all here. We ate. I finished first and then left the table. WW asked me what was new at work. I just responded that work is going well.

WW will be gone all week. I took tomorrow off so that I can have a day in the house to myself. Even though I have been GAL like mad, the last couple of days have been difficult for me emotionally.

So WW is out of town again. I wake up to a text about an article I liked on Facebook that talks about choosing to leave or stay and that to stay I need honesty, transparency etc. WW mad because she believes I am trying to get everyone to hate her.

Of course my dumb ass responds. I am so used to just responding. I just responded that I'm not trying to get anyone to hate her. I said that I dont deserve this and never did and asked her to leave me alone.

I should have just not responded. Ugh. Oh well.

I can really see how your wife might think that.

Why are you on Facebook again?

Why are you trying to use logic to get through to someone who is at the most emotionally charged point in her whole life?

WOW!!!! How dare you actually "like" an article on FB! You're clearly going around and "liking" articles to be mean and vindictive! Brother she's off the reservation, and that is HER problem, not yours. Next time she rants about something you "liked" then ignore it, or better yet suggest to her that she unfollow you on FB if it gives her so much heartburn. She wants out of the M, she gave up her rights to decide what you should be doing on FB and in your life. Good grief, it's not like you were sending kissy faces to her best friend on there.



I wish you and others here would get MAD now and then!! You do not deserve to be treated like this! Anger will help you to see her nonsense for what it is, and it will help you detach from it.

I actually blocked her from seeing my posts in the future. WW goes through my activity to see what I am doing. It's so amazing how they blame everyone else for everything. At this point her actions are so delusional that they dont make me mad.

I actually joined a support group on Facebook. I intended that to be private. I liked the article because it made sense. I didnt believe she could see it because she wasnt part of the group. She may have joined the group actually.

I am not trying to convince her of anything. I just thought my activity for the group was private. I blocked her from my activity on FB. I am on FB because I have a lot of friends. I am into the car scene heavily and that's how we keep in touch for group meetings etc.

So I spoke with my IC. He suggested that I write WW an email expressing how I am hurt and expressing how I think she feels. IC suggested that I tell WW how I feel in email.

I have done this to an extent in person and through text. What would be the value of doing this? I already have a constant urge to email/text her. I stop myself because I feel that is pursuit.

I am still considering whether or not to move out. IHS hurts badly. Watching my WW walk around like nothing is wrong and acting content being my roommate just makes it that much harder for me to move on emotionally. I feel great when I am out and about GAL. I have stuck to my 180 on how I interact with her at home.

I don't want to move out to punish her. I just want to get away from her at this point. WW is constantly looking for little things like my FB posts etc to get mad at me about and when she finds things she doesnt like she always says something like "you want everyone to hate me, see you don't want to fix this!" WW is constantly trying to find stuff to convince herself that I just want to make her look bad and that I don't want to R.

I am not actively seeking to R. I cannot R with this person. I cannot R with this shell of a woman that used to be my wife. How can I R with someone that can't hold themselves accountable for what they did and truly seek forgiveness? How can I R with someone that is actively speaking and possibly seeing OM? Not going to happen.

At this point I am convinced that my WW simply cannot address her own issues and will not work on herself to make the necessary changes to R. Therefore, I choose to not focus on R or WW. I choose to focus on myself and our children.

I woke up feeling pretty down today. Fortunately I have a great support network at work. Today was our Christmas luncheon with the bosses. We had a great time and some great food. I ate way too much lol.

Don’t do it Torn. If that worked, she would have changed her mind already. Move forward. Save yourself!!!