Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

Good point. In my sitch my wife's OM had moved on, and she was on the prowl for OM2.

Love the word choice here! There were times when I myself thought I'd send a letter to OM encouraging him to decease. :P

LOL Freudian slip! That should read cease and desist.

Thank you all for the feedback.

This morning I went to the gym at 05.00 and was home at 07.00 again. They hadn't left for daycare yet. WW was busy making herself ready, but she ended up asking me, if I had changed my mind about my incoming birthday - she didn't want an answer there, but it would be great if I would just text her today.

Yesterday evening she was in the livingroom and I in the MBR. I came out to get my vitamins, and then she said "congratulations". I looked at her and said, "huh?". Yea congratulations on becoming an uncle (my sister is pregnant, and its wonderful news in all of this, however I haven't told her. She found out from the social media announcement. Should I have informed her? I think not (or else I would have of course). She even "liked" the announcement text on social media. My sister texted me, and said that she found that really weird (WW lied to my sisters face about affair, and got emotional support for 3 weeks before WW was revealed, so my sister doesn't really have much patience for her as things are now). It would suit her, to just mind her own business according to her.

So I slept on all the information given to me yesterday, and yea, I am going to DB like I didn't receive anything, and stay the course. I am positive, that the opinion of the vets here is, that of course she doesn't participate in my birthday, and I am asking advice for the following basically (yea I am asking before reacting now!).

So 1. I really think I "react responded" to her mail yesterday. And I like the response, that Steve wrote as an example: Would it be bad / wrong of me, to say that I slept on the matter, and that this is what I came up with (insert Steves response and then finish it with, that I think that it is best, if she doesn't attend my birthday with the kids, since it isn't something we should do together anymore" <--- I have to answer her regarding tomorrow anyways, but yea, I need some vet advice here please.

2. She wrote a text this morning with the following content: "I hope you arrived well at work. I was wondering, if you shouldn't attend the parent meeting tonight instead of me, then I can use the evening preparing the house for the brokers who are coming tomorrow? Can you pick up the kids and take them to gymnastics? Today is making of christmas stuff at work (elementary school). Maybe you should take the kids to daycare tomorrow morning? and then pick them up again after the brokers have been at the house? Of course it is your own decision, but just an idea..."

So I don't know how to respond to that.. I read it like "So I kinda blew my cover yesterday and showed you that this is hard on me, so today I need to be firm and show you, that I have no remorse, and want to just get the house ready and get it sold asap". This is of course my interpretation and maybe its nothing like that, but I need advice on how to respond to both cases, and I would love to do that in just 1 text, so I don't come off as needy with multiple texts and I really don't want a conversation with her.

Update:

So with the search for advice in the tread above, I forgot to ask the following:

My plan is to NOT do anything family related with her, basically keep my path clean, and DB, 180 and give myself space to heal / and yea give her space as well. I am in the MBR when my kids sleep, and she and I are in the house together.

My question is: Do I pick up on her smalltalk when we are together with the children, I mean by that, should I be happy, content and be cheerful, or do I just answer as short as I can, and show her, that I really don't want to talk to her ?

I mean, I do want to, but Im not sure I should? don't know if that makes sense. I got the 180'ing going for me, and I am doing a lot of out of the house activities, and I really really enjoy spending a lot of time with my children (180 on cutting down work, prioritizing doing things with them without the possibility of the phone interrupting etc).

I also feel like I wrote, that she is no longer a necessity for my life, but would be a nice addition. However, I don't want to ruin anything, so the way I interact with her is still hard for me to understand. I don't want her thinking I am her plan B, however I want to show her, that I am a man only a fool would leave.

She seems determined to get out and stand on her own two feet, and see what life has to offer (according to her letter, she can't stay because of the unknown possibilities in life), and I think that will be the endgame. If that is the endgame, so be it. I won't stand in her way, and I am sure she has signed the final house papers for the new brokers by the time I get home tonight. I just have to DB to my best, and see what the future brings for me and my kids.

I,

The problem is you are starting see what you view as positive results and are starting to have expectations. You small talking with her not small talking with her is not going to change anything. It's about what you want to do. If you want to be friends with her then that's fine, it will be great for the kids. If you want to show her that you are a strong and confident man and you have no room in your life for someone who has blatantly disrespected you that is fine too.

I don't think you ever answered me but what if your best friend did this to you?

I need to cut my thoughts of expectations and positive results into dust, because they are only a fiction of my imagination. I see signs, that are clearly not there from an objective viewpoint. And you are right, I need to stop that.

I don't want to be friends with her. She WAS my best friend (yea I realized that was needy and clingy), but she really was, and she hurt me deeply. So no, I can't be friends with her, even though my heart tells me to because of our kids and their needs. Maybe in the future. She doesn't get to mash me like a bug under a shoe, and then try to be my friend. The only reason I am so much in doubt is, that if she ever feels remorse and talks about R, and if I at that point in time want that, then I want to stay clear of doing dumb [censored] such as ignoring her, if I really should be paying attention to her - I hope that makes sense.

You do both. I think that's the part you're missing. You can be cheerful, content with her while still being brief. You answer her question politely but don't elaborate or add anything new.



This is connected to part 1. You aren't ignoring her. You aren't being short or rude. You are responding to her politely and maybe even cheerfully depending on your mood - but you don't add small talk. You don't talk about your R. You don't talk about your feelings or hers. You talk about logistics.

The idea of W feeling remorse and wanting to talk about R is not a current worry. Perhaps in the future - but that is NOT now. And if she does want to R she will be able to reach you, even if you end up being "short" with her a bit now.

She asked again just now, if we could please dine together for my birthday with the kids. This is the fifth time. Do I just stand on the fukc no path? Or do I accept with no expectations and have a good Night for the kids?

I would have to go with a solid "NO" unless she has ended her affair. She doesn't get the best of both walls.

It's a boundary, right? No family time while she is engaging in an affair?

Stick to your boundaries. It's been yielding positive results so far. And you are respecting yourself by doing it.