Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 13 yrs and two kids pt. 2.

H - My birthday was 3 weeks after BD and my W (at the time) called me on the phone and asked if I wanted her to be there. It was hard as hell but I knew I would not enjoy myself with her in my presence so I politely declined and told her that I would just like to spend it with our daughters.

Truthfully it felt very weird but looking back it was absolutely the right thing to do FOR ME. LH is spot on.

Read the validation thread. Remember, if she initiates conversation DO NOT BE RUDE. Treat her like a cashier at the store. You would be polite, but not overly sharing, right?

Cashier: "Oh I didn't know that they made crushed garlic in a squeeze tube! What a great idea. What do you use it for?"
You: "Any recipe that calls for crushed garlic. Makes it really easy."
Cashier: "Oh I can see that. I love garlic so I'll be picking some up myself."
You: "Yeah, you'll really like not getting the garlic smell all over your fingers. Good stuff."

Short, polite, but not intimate responses. And as LH says, be the one to end it. "Okay, I have to go to run!"

Polite. Not angry. Not sad. Not withdrawn. Smile a lot. Be the guy people want to be around, but then be the one that limits how much she is around you. She'll crave more!

Thanks so much.

She texted Me and asked for her the whereabouts of her passport, because she and OM are going to travel away between Christmas and new years eve. She then blamed me for having thrown out her passport, which I didnt do of course.

I am really really having a hard time coping with her travelling. We didnt get to, because of the small kids. But we wanted to redeem ourselves, and start travveling soon. My insides are turning.

I actually made a fool of myself. She brought home burgers for the kids to eat, and aSked if i wanted anything. I asked for a cheeseburger. Then when i left for work, i fast transfered 1.5€ and the message was “for burger”. I didnt have to, and it was only to get a response and show her that we split all Costa now...... that was dumb and a bad move only to get an reaction. I am just really hurt.

Hurt,

As nice as it would have been to travel with your W around Europe, (I am guessing Europe since you used the Euro sign) you don't need to have her there to enjoy a good time. Once this is all said and done, go on a little trip by yourself. It will be a good time to explore new places, meet new people, and learn something about yourself.

I am not sure I understand why you feel bad for sending her money for food. Your money should be separate now. Why would it provoke a reaction?

Journalling:

So, a couple of days has passed and yea, journaling for advice and because its therapy for me.

So basically, thursday I had a late day at work so I wasn't home before 22 o'clock in the evening. WW had gone to bed, so that was nice. I knew that she was going out friday, and she wouldn't be coming home until late today (saturday).

So friday morning came, and I woke up at 4.30 and made myself ready (i wanted to go to the gym before work, since I got am in charge of the kids for the coming 7 days (we got it split 7/7, even though it is inhouse seperation till the house sells). The entire house was sleeping when I left, and I was glad I didn't have to speak to WW since i was a bit emotionally worked up by the fact that she was going to OM.

I came home after work, and she had just packed her bag, and left the entire house in a complete mess. A month ago, I would have called or texted and told her how it was unreasonable for the kids to come home to that, but im over it. I just said whatever to myself, and I cleaned the house before I went to pick the kids up at the daycare. I then took them to town to ride the christmas train, and have a good afternoon. I tugged them in at bedtime and I called it an early night myself. (She didn't even call to say goodnight to the kids).

So saturday (today), I woke up early. WW texted me at 05.19 in the morning saying that the kids needed calendar gifts and where they were (yea wtf: 1. its my time with the kids. 2. its 05.19 in the morning. 3. i can take care of the kids and the gifts were already in their stockings, i was pissed, but didn't reply to her). Me and a mutual friend of me and WW had set up a playdate early today, and we were going to go christmas shopping with her daughter and my kids, and I was looking forward to a fun day. She texted me, that she was on her way at 7.30, and I went to the shower. I told my D4 to open the door for them if they came while I was still in the shower. While in the shower, I notice the sensor lights going off in the driveway (could see through the bathroom window), and I figured it must be them. So I finish up, and am baffled to see, that WW is sitting in the couch with the kids at 8.00 in the morning (she wasn't supposed to be home before 15.00 at the earliest).

I just said hello, and didn't engage in conversation. She then asked what we were doing today, if we had plans and so on. I said, we have plans, but didn't say more. Then 15 minutes later, our mutual friend entered. I greeted her, and took the kids into the livingroom, apparently WW stalled our friend in the hall. I could hear she was crying.

We had a coffee, the kids played for half an hour, and WW was really intrusive and wanted to be part of the playdate, I then said "Well we should be going since we have a lot we need done today", WW wanted to know what that was, but I just said we got plans, and I could tell she wanted to go, but abso fknlutely not. So we left, went to a café and had a brunch, shopped and visited some friends with the kids, we had a great day. Our friend told me, that apparently WW had held on to her in the hall when she gave her a hug, and then just begun to cry. She is full on with the OM, and nothing is wrong apparently, but she was really sad and had said that december was really tough with all that was going on, and that she was really sad that she had been missing the kids opening calendar gifts, and missing time with them in general, which is COMPLETELY new for her. Whenever OM engages her, me and the kids are just like air for her, its scary how she changes. I couldn't help but feel little happy, that she at least felt some remorse, and that she was hurting just little bit.

This morning she brought home bread, and made some for the kids, and asked if I wanted some, I refused (it was most likely the leftovers from hers and OMs breakfast, wtf...).

So tonight, im in the MBR, journaling, watching a good movie (John Wick 2), and she is in the living room texting OM (yea she instantly shut down text messages when I go through the room to get a drink or something else), and I don't want to (and am learning from the advice I was given, to not spend time with her at all), it feels akward as hell to sit here and avoid her, but its for the best. I need the space, and she needs to understand that the cake-eating fiesta has come to a full stop.

Journal:

So today I woke up at 7.00 with the kids. We have a great day planned. We are watching a christmas movie to start the morning off slowly. Then we are going to bake christmas cookies, and D4 is so exited, because tomorrow she will be bringing a batch to daycare so she can give all her friends a cookie. It is going to be a lot of fun. S1 will probably just be sitting in an ocean of flour, but hey, he is amused, I am amused D4 is amused - What could be better? My sister just announced that she is 4 months pregnant - she wanted to tell me before, but then all this happened, and she didn't find the timing right. I outright told her, that this was exactly what I needed, and the timing couldn't be better, because all things positive are soooo very much welcome. I am looking very much forward to becoming an uncle -

WW was home when the phone rang, but I didn't inform her - it is no longer of her concern. Again, she forfeited her privileges.

We are going to go for a long walk in the forest today (former partners are not invited - dads and kids only event :)), and then in the afternoon the kids and WW are going to see WW's mother. She actually asked me, if we shouldn't all go to visit her moms today. I was like wtf are you a looney? (in my head - of course I didn't say that). I just said, it sounded nice, and the kids would like that, so it was a good idea that THEY went. She just said "oh, okay.."

So i am going to utilize that afternoon time with a workout at the gym. Tonight when the kids are tugged in, I will once again retreat to MBR, with a good movie and a snack, and then call it an early evening.

That's not remorse. At best, it's a pity-party. I think that is her performing to get attention from the friend.

Good job at not including WW on the play date.

Another good job at not going along with WW and kids to see her mother. You're getting stronger!

Update:

Yea so the day passed by, and it started out great with me and the kids watching a christmas movie this morning. Then WW left for church and came home around 13 o'clock. Me and D4 were making the dough for the christmas cookies, and the plan was to then let the dough set for an hour and then go for a walk. WW was all over the kitchen trying to talk to me, trying to be part of our activity. She even began snapchatting it (included me in the snaps) about how wonderful it was with the kids baking (wtf).. I just ignored her. So at one time, she asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee, to which I responded, no thank you, I am getting a glass of water in a minute (should just have said "no thank you" I guess). She then rush to the cabinet with glasses, gets one and poors a glass of water, and now it gets real funky. She comes to the kitchen table, where I am making cookies with D4 and S1, and she gives me the water, puts her arm around my waist, and gives me a pinch. I immediately pulled away, and just looked at her with the WTF eyes, but I didn't say anything, as the kids were right beside me.

When we were done, she took the kids to see her mom (I kindly noped the hell out of that), and I decided to go to the gym. She then said how amazing I was for keeping myself so fit, and that it was great how motivated I was. I think my response was "mmmmh", and I took off.

When I came home, we had dinner with the kids. My birthday is coming up, and she had put in notice for a day off for it earlier this year (she does every year). I began talking to D4 about how much fun it would be, because they have the day off with me, and we are going to the swimmingpool, and later we are going to a café, it will be a good day. WW then said politely, in an almost begging tone, that she had the day off, and if we were doing anything? I became weak for a second, because the only fkin response to that question should be; "absolutely skin not, we are done doing stuff". I instead acted with my nice guy tendencies that I am 180'ing on (well it needs work as you can see lol!), and said I would need to think about it. She then said that it was fine. I just knew the second after, that I had [censored] up.

So I gave my kids a bath, and she wanted to go for a run, so I was cleaning the kitchen, and behold there, disrespectful as always, her phone lights up with a message from OM. I just realized, that I don't need this crap, and I told her that she shouldn't waste a day off from work on my birthday, but instead use it on something that mattered to her at this point in time, and I would really like to just have my kids around me. She looked very surprised, but said "okay". Then she took off.

What a WEIRD day it has been lol.

Hey Hurt,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. Wanted to drop some support and let you know you are doing great. Btw, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY! Stay strong man, you are making good choices in keeping some healthy space between you and your W.

Keep journaling, keep absorbing, and learning. Sounds like you've had enough of her shenanigans. Your W really likes to test things. Every chance you get, shoot that down.

You're an awesome dad! Keep doing those things with the kids.

Quick morning journal:

So I am having a difficult time figuring out the following: 1. I have been advised to show WW, that she has pushed this MR over the cliff, and that I am not interested in R (partially true, I feel a "something" growing inside of me, that has had it with her behaviour, the way she treats me and the way she from time to time chooses OM over her kids). So I am doing GAL activities as much as I can, I am doing a lot of stuff with my kids, that would have included her previously (yea she still tries to be part of these things, but I let her know by my body expressions, that this is a we (me and the kids) thing, and not a she thing.

So everyday is a little easier, also because she is deeply involved with OM and doesn't seem to want to change that, she just want her cake-eating on the side, and its repulsing.

The part where I get really confused about my behavioral patterns is the following: So according to the above, and according to the great advice from some of the vets on here, I am to show her, that I have had it, that we are done, and that cake-eating has stopped (the bakery is closed!). <-- This I have been faking for months (yes, I can't switch off from day to day), but as stated, I find myself thinking differently about her, noticing some of the things she ACTUALLY does, instead of reminiscing over all the good things she DID. This makes me GAL, retreat to MBR and generally I don't speak with her, when the kids are not around. She texts me daily, she sends me social media messages daily, and I don't reply, unless it is about the kids. She texted me 8 times yesterday, about random stuff, I just ignore it (basically, I don't even know why she texts me at this point in time - temp check most likely).

But then I am also seeing the advice to be AMOAFWL, and that includes validating, listening, and being kind around WW. This is where the confusion sets in. Because, it comes natural at this point, to just walk around, not looking at her, not smiling at her, only answering her in short sentences, which I believe make me look like a grumpy old grandpa. I don't see how that makes me a AMOAFWL. I got a lot to learn, and im ready to fake it till I make it, however I need some guidance on this part. I am actually enjoying the space I have created between us, as it makes my daily day so much easier. I don't have to pay notice to whenever she texts frantically with whom I already know who is, in the couch next to me. I don't have to talk about random things with a woman, that put my family into ruins, and I enjoy, retreating to MBR, and just do me, watch a movie I want to watch for example.

Advice pretty please .