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Journaling...mainly to keep from going crazy. I came home early from work...on top of everything else, I feel like I am coming down with the flu. It has made me a bit susceptible to my emotions I think. Have felt close to tears ever since I got home. Really needing to get a hold of myself. If I even come close to sniffling, my son is all over me... are you okay mom? You sound sad. It is KILLING me that he is so hyper vigilant of my feelings. My H is such a complete a** for doing this to me...to our family. He wants me to be okay with it so he can walk away feeling good about himself. With such a wake of destruction behind him, I do not know how that is even possible. I am just so incredibly sad today...truth be told. Just really, really sad.

Then let it out. If you need privacy, request it. Go for a drive to a park or overlook. Don't suppress your emotions.

Still feeling sick but doesn’t seem to be getting worse so I’m hoping to be able to go to work tomorrow. Tonight was a little rough. My kids got into an argument with one another. Both were in tears. It took a long time to unravel what had happened. Hurt feelings all around. My son is struggling with some of the kids at school. My daughter tries to support but feels caught between him and her friends. They sometimes say mean things to each other when their feelings get hurt. Managed to talk it out and they apologized and love each other again. It still irks me that my H misses this stuff 90% of the time...the good, the bad. He’s just not there. I am sad about that. My kids are missing out having that other parent’s perspective. And he is missing out on opportunities to be there for his kids and to teach them things. He will realize that one day. That the price he paid was far greater than the reward. But it is his journey. I have no influence over him anymore. What will be will be.

I’ve been thinking about tomorrow morning when he comes to pick up my D to take her to tutoring. Usually he arrives a bit early and has a coffee and we have a quick chat. In light of yesterday’s “talk”, I am feeling like I just want to stay in my room and not see him. Give him the space he seems to need so badly. I thought I had been but even when I have no contact, he seems somewhat haunted by me. I have resolved not to contact him going forward unless absolutely necessary and am pretty sure I can go two full weeks without seeing him if I plan it. So that’s what I think I am going to do. I need to honour his request but I also need to give myself a break from seeing him.

I think this is the more important reason. Good for you. Give yourself a chance to heal without revisiting the wounds each time you see him.

Do you need to lock yourself away in your room? Is he just coming by to pick up the kids or does he come in and stay? If he is staying, can you get out of the house to do something fun? Make it "you" time, a recharging period.

I would not hide in your room. It becomes obvious that you are avoiding him. Can you not be there when he comes by? I think you mentioned that your kids are old enough that they can be left on their own for a bit. Or be present but make it clear you are not sitting around waiting to have 'coffee' and a chat with him. Open the door, say something like, "help yourself to a coffee" (this makes it clear he is a guest in your home) and then go and find something to do in another room. Go through work papers in the dining room, sort out the linen closet. Do anything but look like you are open to chatting.

Note: I do this, and my H hates it. This is partly where the 'emotionally detached' from the children comes from.

Thanks for replying to my question. My H comes at 7:00 a.m. to pick up our daughter for tutoring twice a week and usually stays for about 10 minutes. I did end up seeing him this morning. I just said "hi" and asked him how he was doing. He is coming down with a bit of a sore throat like me. Our last meeting did not end well so I wanted him to know I was okay without really having to say it directly and I did not want to give the appearance that I was hiding from him or trying to punish him.

While I was at home sick, I did A LOT of reading yesterday... A LOT. Different books and previous threads. I found one where there were three women on there whose husbands all said they were done, wanted a D, etc... All three ended up coming back or wanting to come back but not before their wives had truly let go. More thinking for me. I also thought about my H asking me to let him go and why it is he feels like I haven't. Part of it is that our finances are still joined so he can't really spend any money without feeling like I am watching his every move. The second reason is that he knows how hard this has been for me, feels incredibly guilty and looks for signs that I am upset. Whenever you look for something, you will find it. So...I realized that even though I have been doing a lot of things to make it look like I am letting go, I really have not made a lot of steps towards it in any real way...and he knows me well enough to know that. What is it that we said about our WH's BS detector? My H has a great one when it comes to me. And then there is my expressive face...lol.

I'd been thinking about it all yesterday so this morning, after he left, I made a big decision and I took a GIANT step toward doing what he has asked me to do. He had started to want to talk about our finances the other night but I stopped him because I wasn't in the place where I thought we could reasonably talk about it. So this morning, I drafted and sent an email (very business-like) outlining the steps he would need to take to separate his bills from mine and credit cards, etc... I also provided him with the amount of child support he would be required to pay (he will HATE that one because it is likely much more than he expects but he will pay it as he knows it is the right thing to do). It will be a big wake up call for him as he has never been in charge of his own bills or savings. This will be a huge learning curve as he is used to be doing everything and never really having to stress about money. And he doesn't get paid during the summer so he will also need to think about putting some savings away to cover his bills. Again...this is something he has never done. At the end of the email, I simply put... This is me... letting you go, and signed my name. There was nothing about the email that in any way could be conceived as pursuit... it was just the facts and a gentle declaration that he is free...as he requested.

And you know what everyone?? It felt really, really good to just give him what he wants with no expectations. I feel like in doing that, it has, in a way, freed me as well. Yesterday I really came to understand that my fear of him not returning is the main thing that has been holding me back which is the crazy thing because he is already GONE. I know, I know...that's what people have been saying all along and what detachment is all about. I got it intellectually but it has taken a while to sink in and to really GET IT. It is going to be much easier doing the things I need to do to move on now because I feel like I am finally ready to TRULY drop the rope. He needs me to... and I need me to. There is no other way and I have to stop fighting it because the more I do, the more stuck I feel and the more he wants to run away from me. And this just makes things tough on my kids so I especially have to do this for them. So they know their mom is okay and that it is okay to be with dad without worrying that being with him is making mom sad. I can't have that.

So...today is the first day of a whole new life for me. I'm letting go of the shame (that I wasn't good enough or failed at being married), the anger, the sadness, the bitterness and above all else, the FEAR. I know there are still some sad days ahead and a few kicks to the gut but I KNOW I will be OKAY in the end. I am very blessed in other areas of my life and I am going to focus on what I have instead of what I don't have. I choose a better life for me and if my H is going to be a part of it in the future, that's great, and, if not, I will be fine. I know I can do this. All of you can too!!!!

Love and (((HUGS))) to you all.

Massive massive hugs to you DV6. You awesome woman. I think you've done a jolly good job of explaining it for anyone else who comes along and needs this advice.

The process cannot be hurried. I know it is said over and over again, but it really is about giving yourself the gift of time. That's what you've done.

We all torture ourselves with the slow death of our old marriages: we mourn and grieve and weep and wail, and it is not until we can truly put it in the ground and walk away from it that there is any hope of a new one being born.

I do still love my husband to some degree. A couple of months ago I told him that I loved him enough to set him free.

Look at you DV6; you have weathered the s***storm and found your inner peace. How great are you and what a great role model to your children.

We're only here once so we'd better make it count.

DV6,
You truly are AWOAFWL.

Awww... thanks so much Ryan. This has been quite the process. I am feeling really good today. I still miss my H. There are many things I love about him. But somehow it feels different today. I think it has finally sunk in that the person I fell in love with all those years ago and was so incredibly devoted to for the past 13 years... that person left me a long time ago. This new person is a shell of his former self. He has a lot of work to do to move forward and become a better person. The person he is now does not deserve me. I always knew that but finally I am starting to really feel it.

Yorkie!!! I am so glad you are still here. I really miss you when you don't post for awhile. You are such an inspiration to me. Someone who is wise and so grounded. Yes...you struggled in the beginning, as we all do, but you are so smart and resilient. I sure hope you stick around even though it sounds like you are in a pretty good place right now. I do love it when you post on my thread. I read your posts over and over. Thank-you for visiting again!!! I am glad to hear you are doing well and keeping busy.

(((HUGS)))

So this morning I sent my H a matter-of-fact email about dividing our finances including what he would be required to pay for child support. I haven’t heard anything back from him. This afternoon I texted him my daughter’s volleyball schedule in case he wanted to watch any of her games. Usually he would reply “thanks” but he did not reply at all. This leads me to believe he is upset about the email. Even though I stand by everything that was in there, I am a bit worried now that he is going to push for having our kids with him 50% of the time so he can avoid child support payments. I do NOT want that and neither do my kids. Where we live is their home and where he lives is a place they are okay to visit but would not want to live there. I’ve also been their main parent for the past four years while he was gone every day (home for only an hour most days) getting “treatment” for his chronic pain so it is ridiculous for him to expect that he can just come back into their lives and reduce my parenting role to 50%. He basically abandoned them for almost four years!!! Anyway... I know I am mind reading and projecting my fears right now but it is definitely unusual for him not to acknowledge my email and text. He hates dealing with lawyers and paid his D18’s mom child support according to the provincial guidelines without them ever having to go to court so I had assumed he would do the same thing with our kids. I guess I could be wrong about that. So now I”m worried. Ugh... it was such a PMA day too!!!