Oh Grace... I am so sorry for your loss. I am close to my MIL too. My H pretty much ignores her unless he wants something from her. She has been a huge support to me and my kids and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her these past four years.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to know what to do. I would probably follow my heart. Maybe ask yourself what you MIL would want you to do and honour her in that way. I don’t think you should do everything for him but this is someone who you both love who has been a big part of your lives so you will probably want to support each other. It is a mutual loss irregardless of where your marriage is at.
Thanks DV. H spent the last 2 days, almost entirely, with the family. Day 1 was spent dealing with his mom's burial arrangements, getting documents together etc. We cried together a few times. After that H asked if it was o.k. to come to the house until his dentist appointment at 4. He hung out with the kids for a while and we watched a program together. He then met us for dinner. He was back early yesterday and put up all the outside Christmas decorations, hung out, had a late meal with us then back to his place. He thanked me many times, and said how much he appreciated me taking such good care of his mom all these years, and for just preparing the meal yesterday and including him.
I wanted to so much ask H what his plans are for the next month. As far as I know, from the credit card, he hasn't booked anything else yet. But, I didn't, and just made sure I looked and smelled good. A month ago I offered that he could stay in the spare bedroom since the kids will be home from school for the month. I'm regretting that now, a bit. But, we'll have to see how it plays out. I don't want this to sound like he gets to make all the calls. He doesn't. I will have my own boundaries so there is no cake-eating in the R department. It's difficult to be tough when we are both grieving, though.
We still have a memorial service to plan at the nursing home, and the burial. I foresee a few very sad days coming up. Not only missing his mom, but I believe part of Hs current internal struggles goes to his relationship with his parents...their inability to connect with him on an emotional level throughout his childhood. He never really learned how to do that from them.
Sounds like you are doing as well as you can Grace. This time of year is tough as it is without having this to deal with as well. Your H is grieving and will naturally turn to his best friend for relief. Do what you can while keeping your expectations to a minimum. This may be a bit of a wake up call for him but it could also send him scurrying deeper into his tunnel. Be parepared for both and again, no expectations. (((HUGS)))
Reconnected with a friend today. We were best friend's for a while, and she helped me through a very dark time about 7 years ago. She had a bad divorce about 3 years ago, and this was the first time I have seen her since. She lives about 7 hours away now. We both commented how it's like we were never away from each other. She's a very Christian woman, and has been a lot of support to me from afar. It was so nice to see her.
H and I messaged a few times yesterday, but nothing important. He initiated. He then wanted to know when the kids head back because he wanted to take them to lunch to see them before they go back. "You included, if you wish". At the time I messaged when they go back and I didn't know what the kids schedule was. That was it. Today the kids said they would be seeing him. I've decided to join them. NO EXPECTIONS! You veteran's probably would say that was not the thing to do. I'm not sure WHY I want to. Maybe it's another chance to look cute, be pleasant, etc. I don't know. But, there it is. I'm not going to overthink it.
I've been diving into house cleaning projects. Started with in-laws old papers, and have a stack for H to take with him. Pantry cleaned and reorganized. Next up is Christmas decorations, then maybe tackle a closet or 2 tomorrow.
I miss my MIL. I visited her about 3 - 4 times a week. By nature, I am a caretaker. I know that's part of it. Who will I take care of now? I will give myself until the New Year to mull it over, but I think I want to volunteer at hospice. It has been in the shadows of my mind for several years, and maybe it's time to act on it. I'll pray about it. Not sure the timing is right. I know the first person I need to care for is ME. It's about time. All those years I devoted to in-laws, kids, H. I want to feel hopeful for the future, whatever it brings. I think I'm getting there. At least I believe my steps forward are more than my steps backward. Inching forward into the future is better the being stuck in the past, isn't it?
H is extending another month. He was over to see the kids before they left. So I asked. Not the DBing thing to do, I know. No need to get the 2x4s out. I’ve already taken care of that. I asked if he made any self-discoveries over the last few months. I said it’s o.k. if you don’t want to talk about it. I’m not pressuring you. He has made ZERO progress from what he said. Can’t come to terms with all that occurred (the affair, I guess --- I didn’t ask), don’t know if he can give me what I need or deserve. Yada Yada Yada. Same stuff from months ago. He admitted he is depressed, and probably would have killed himself if it wasn’t for the kids. Said he spends a lot of time alone, and found a good neighborhood bar. I said nothing. Just listened. He said I was doing fine. He can see that. I said I was, and for ME, it’s useless to live in the past and let it consume me. I am finding happiness for ME. He shared a few scenarios, like retiring early, selling everything, and buying a Condo in the town our kids live in and moving there with me, or even living as we are. I said whatever scenario life holds for us, if it involves us together, we would have to find a way to make new us. He nodded agreement.
If we continue to live apart, seems to me we would have to make a more formal agreement. But, maybe not. All the bills are paid for out of our joint account, so for me there is not really a rush. And ultimately I think it is to my benefit if we do D that he has continued to contribute keeping this house running.
Why do people want to wallow in their own self pity and live so stuck? I certainly have my moments of self-pity, but they do not linger because I choose for them not to linger and consume me. The only help I can give H is to continue to pray for him. And I do. Every day.
Now that I know he will extend it another month, and he is still in the same spot he was several months ago, it’s time to buckle down and limit my contact, I think. I’m too available. It was tough this week with the death of his mom, the kids home, and Thanksgiving, but now I think I will go as dark as possible.
Perhaps my broaching the subject today will make him scurry further away. Maybe even likely. I know that was a risk. But I’m glad I did it anyway. I would rather know the plans, than wonder about it. I look forward to the time where I’m not even wondering about it! Well, for now, it’s time to make my GAL plans for the week!
Good for you Grace. I am heading the same direction as you this week. As soon as I start to feel better. This cold/flu is really hanging on it seems. My H is a wallower too. I am fighting hard to not turn into one. Feeling 100% better mentally today than I did yesterday. Sometimes I think that our feelings get darker right before we start to let the light in. I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for some clarity from your H... as long as you listen, validate and don’t come across as needy or desperate. I, for one, am not someone who likes to act “as if” and that may bite me in the butt one day but I accept it. I am striving to be as straightforward as possible with my H and develop a positive parenting relationship. This may take a hit in January when we have the finances talk. Not so much about the money but I am pretty sure he is going to want to fight about our kids. I hope we can come to an amicable agreement. Time will tell. In the meantime, GAL and 180’s full speed ahead. (((HUGS)))
Got a message from H at 5 a.m. “Fainted. Hurt myself”. He has had mild seizures for years, and is on meds for them. Hasn’t had a “fainting” one since he started the meds. In light of our convo yesterday, makes me wonder if stress brings them on. Anyway, he fell on his shoulder from a stool. Obviously full force, dead weight He thinks he might have broken something. He asked me if he should go to the emergency room. So, that’s were he is headed. I worry about his mental health. I know I can’t “do” anything about that, but the worry is there. I just want to shake him and say “Your life is falling apart. Take control!”
Perhaps he’s reaching rock bottom. This really stinks.
Said he spends a lot of time alone, and found a good neighborhood bar.
A good bar in the neighborhood, totally void of people I imagine.
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I said whatever scenario life holds for us, if it involves us together, we would have to find a way to make new us. He nodded agreement.
Pursuit! You dangled a little worm and he didn't bite. You were hoping a "new R" with you would seem glitzy but if he was sure of that you'd have known already.
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If we continue to live apart, seems to me we would have to make a more formal agreement.
Up to you. What are the pros and cons?
He still has you chasing him around, he still wants your attention, but he's not willing to be reciprocal with your feelings. Try not to let him cake eat. I wouldn't respond to his text about being hurt. If he was seriously hurt, he'd have headed to the hospital already and called 911. He texts that he's hurt so that you can come play the caretaker role he likes. I'm guessing you had a lengthy text exchange with him?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I said whatever scenario life holds for us, if it involves us together, we would have to find a way to make new us. He nodded agreement.
Pursuit! You dangled a little worm and he didn't bite. You were hoping a "new R" with you would seem glitzy but if he was sure of that you'd have known already.
Good point. I see this NOW, but at the time I didn't see it that way. As I said, initiating the whole thing was NOT the thing to do, so I need to get back on track, for sure.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
He texts that he's hurt so that you can come play the caretaker role he likes. I'm guessing you had a lengthy text exchange with him?
Actually, no. He sent a lengthy text about the status, and I responded "I'm Sorry. What a mess". That's it. I know I probably shouldn't have responded at all, but I'm glad I didn't get dragged into the whole problem by initiating advice, which is a 180 for me. I don't plan to check up on him.
