Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

Gordie, you are the best. I am always trying to teach my students how to pack meaning into the fewest words possible. You are a master of this.

I was surprised that you didn't want to talk to your kids about it. You seem so open to listening no matter what. Sounds like you let God change you for the better, and for your kids' sake. It must have been such a comfort to you that they were willing.

I don't think I understood that they knew about OM. Maybe I forgot that part of the story. I understand now why they have trouble forgiving.

My kids know nothing. They don't know that I had cancer and so they don't know how terrible was my H's abandonment at that time. They don't know about his OW and so they don't know how strong I had to be or why there were times when I went totally dark. I have often wondered if I will ever tell my kids about the OW(s). I want them to believe that men can be faithful (so my son can be a faithful man and my daughter can look for one!), so I don't want to tell them. I hope I can be that strong. I know the only reason to tell them would be to explain/excuse my responses over these years.

Now they do know that I went dark/dim because he filed. I did at first to help them understand my behavior, but hopefully it will allow them to articulate more of their fears.

Gerda,

I am so happy to see that you will have a houseful of people for Thanksgiving. All of you will enjoy the weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family.

P.S. I removed your reference on another thread where you referenced a name of someone who has a site that deals w/the same issues as this forum.

Gerda, I decided to respond to you here instead of hijacking Gordie's thread. I'm glad that you are still trying to stay focused on RMM ideas and techniques...ie. prayer and patience.

I truly believe that things can miraculously change, but we have to have the patience to wait on His timing.

This whole MLC thing is strange and confusing for sure, but putting that all aside, we must find all of the things in our current life that we are thankful and grateful for and give thanks for that. Even though we are enduring this MLC thing, we could all be in much worse situations.

I am happy and thankful for the health of my children.

I am happy and thankful that God has shown me that I can be a patient man and that I can wait for what He has in store for me.

I am happy and thankful that my brothers marriages and families are stronger now that they have seen me stand for mine.

I am thankful for you that you are a ray of hope here on these boards. You give hope to those who are struggling even though you are struggling also. You are a Saint.

May God bless you this thanksgiving!!!

Gerda

So glad you invited a crowd over for Thanksgiving

That is a blessing from you to them and vice versa

Yes w introduced OM to kids and it was then I had to address it

As you can guess I used few words

I spoke to each one on one



I want you to know I love your mom

However I believe that marriage is between two people

Until death do we part

And mom is in a relationship with OM

Therefore we cannot remain married

This is not what I want

And I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you

While our living arrangements will change

I will always love you and be there for you

Gerda,

Happy Thanksgiving

Following along, as I have no advice I myself need lol

But I admire you for inviting H
I also invited W, why
Because kids last week ask
Trio's you think mom will ever come over
M why ya ask
Trio's we like for us to have dinner just us
M what ya mean
Trio's you two and us three
M ok Maybe oneday

So I took this holiday to extend invitation
W text Thank you for inviting but we have plans.
M no problem maybe next time

So yes I really admire you because it takes us courage but that's
What we parents do.

Have a great Thanksgiving and hoping by next year I can have a house full.
Trying to make friends out here I never been social so this is new for me.

Hello Gerda

Wow, Thanksgiving dinner sounds like it is going to be awesome. Enjoy every bite, every conversation, and every friendship.


Just a few ideas for you.

Your children can, and will, believe people can be faithful, both men and women - that comes from good role models. There are plenty around. Some post here. One looks at you, every time you gaze into a mirror.

Telling your kids about things would explain your responses over the years, it is a reason, it is not the only reason you might tell them. Knowledge of unfaithfulness will not preclude their ability to see faithfullness, or to strive for it, or to achieve it. I believe, and have seen within my own children, when they were exposed to knowledge of unfaithful actions it push them in the opposite direction.

One cannot see and understand the light without the dark. Good and positive is much accented when things of less desire are available for reference.

Much like drugs, sex, STD, etc... these talks are difficult. However, children need guidance in these important matters. That falls on you. Faithfulness, loyalty, compassion, caring, love, forgiveness, envy, greed, hatred, infidelity, etc... all are important topics. Where, or who, do you want your children to find guidance from?

You do not need to immediately have a conversation with them about their father’s OWs and his behaviours. Just when (not if) they bring up that topic, or any of the other difficult topics, an age appropriate discussion is a good recommendation, IMO.

For what it is worth, I have have many of these difficult talks. Let discuss the big ones. Discussions the lead to adultery, infidelity, cheating, unfaithfulness, and such - put away your fears, your shame, your feelings of betrayal, just discuss the topic. Talk about what it means, what it is, how it affects the partner, the one doing the action, the kids, and others. All without dragging through the mud, or even talking about their parent. Let them put the pieces together - that is when it is also a good time to discuss compassion and forgiveness, to show it, to be that role model.

Children are thirsty for knowledge, nurture them, help them grow, let them achieve the knowledge of what strong faithful relationships are. They will then have a much better chance of finding a relationship like that on their journey through life.

Just some ideas - one good friend to another.

DnJ

DnJ, thank you for stopping in; yes indeed, one good friend to another.

I don't disagree with a thing you say. But H has never said a word about OW, he was a monster at home but all the horrors of his replay have been a total secret from everyone except me and mostly even me except that he messed up often enough for me to have various revelations and discoveries every six months or so. My point is that I don't think my kids will ever ask as I don't think they will ever know unless I tell them. And I don't think there is any reason to tell them except my own desire to be vindicated or to make them judge him.

I just want to give him to God to judge. The weight of judgement crushes me, it is way too heavy a burden for me.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I was very proud of myself for cooking the entire thing alone in a 24 inch oven, with two kids bugging me throughout the day. Did not clean the whole house as planned but managed to make our main living space beautiful and enough places for everyone to sit. Made two roast turkeys, sweet potato casserole, stuffing, twice baked potatoes, roasted brussels with bacon, pumpkin pie, apple-cranberry cake and a chocolate torte. (Most of my guests were not Americans so I was even more set than usual on doing the traditional stuff.) Plus the dips and things for when everyone came in and even a fire roaring along in the fireplace.

My H was always irritated with how tornado-like the kitchen would be when I prepped a big meal, and when he started monstering, he would be so wickedly hurtful about that. I remember once he actually yelled at me for cooking dinner every night instead of getting take-out (which I couldn't afford anyway) because I made such a mess cooking and he wasn't going to be forced to help clean up. Now he only does just exactly his own dishes and pans that he uses, sometimes not even all of them, and I have to clean absolutely anything I use for me and the kids, plus random things he leaves. When I took out wine glasses for guests last night, I discovered that he just puts them up on a high shelf dirty, he doesn't even wash the wine out, I guess because he knows he is just filling it back up less than 24 hours later.

I was thinking of that this time because without him here, with some peace, I just cleaned up after each thing I made, and everything stayed nice all day. I felt this sort of pang wishing my H could see how pretty and organized it all was, and eat the food I made which I knew he would enjoy. Took a deep breath at my reflection in the window over the sink and laid all that at God's feet and just let myself enjoy my own life there and then though I did pray a little bit for him, all alone and running. (Did you read my post about him crying to D9 when he left?) At the very end when I did not maneuver the two turkeys well, the drippings spilled into the oven and the house filled with smoke. And they were so heavy in rescuing the turkeys from tumbling, I actually hurt my wrist bad enough to wear an Ace bandage today! But if you recall,I installed a whole house fan myself last summer (when H refused to help because I had not consulted him about what to purchase), and so the smoke was gone in no time, and soon the house was full of people and life and happiness. I had to borrow a thermometer from the bar next door and brought the bartenders two turkey dinners when I brought it back, plus one for the guy at the all-night deli. Happiness all around.

Thanks for stopping by, DnJ, I am always glad to see you and see what wisdom you have for me to chew on.

Here is the song I am listening to now, a good one for all of us here --

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2AqeH1GPs4&index=7&list=RDGPTY6l_PX5k

If the link gets deleted, it's Aurora - I Went Too Far (Live on the Honda Stage)

Marina, thank you for visiting and for all the kind words. You know, almost everyone I invited was from my church community, plus an old friend (and his two kids) whose wife started MLC at the same time as my H. It's his lawyer who I am using. Don't you have a good church to go to? I know you are very faithful. God will give you all the friends you need.

Gordie, thank you for stopping in. Whenever you provide these little snapshots of your life in MLC, my jaw always drops.

But you know, I wish in a way I could have had that conversation with my kids. My H never revealed what he was doing, it was all done in secret. I found out what I had suspected in various ways, generally not by choice, but I never talked about it with him; and in fact the few times he did try to say anything, I just kept repeating, "That's between you and God, I don't want to hear a thing about it, that's between you and God." A few times I did say it was disgusting and he would have to talk to God about it and not me. And there were a couple of horrifying moments like once when his phone went on the setting for visually impaired, and I had to hear her text being read by the phone voice, it makes me shudder even to remember those dark times. But mostly we never spoke of it and certainly the kids never knew. In many ways, everything would have been so much clearer for them if I could have said to them what you said. But I bore the cross totally alone, as they didn't know, and I didn't want them to know if I could avoid that.

I don't know if there is an OW now.

I hope that one day they can admire their father. I hope that one day he is a good man again, and maybe he will even be good enough to confess what happened and to help them understand the cross I carried. Right now I am just trying to trust God with everything, to reveal what He needs to reveal when He needs to reveal it and to sit still in the mysteries of suffering I can't understand.

SBJ,I read your note over many times. I love when you come by, you give me a lot of peace somehow.

I practiced being thankful in SBJ style the last two days. And it was funny, my D9 didn't know I was doing that, but then she kept saying this evening how she realized she should be thanking me more often! (We are always together and she is pretty defiant these days, so we knock heads a bit.)

I read your line about me bringing some light to the boards about a hundred times. I can't figure out what you have seen that would lead you to say that other thing you said, I am too embarrassed to quote it. But definitely I just want God to keep changing me to make me better. Even if my H never comes back, I am seeing now that God wants me for Himself. What a mystery that is. But I can't deny how the path of my life led me to him, it was a miracle that I ever found Him at all, and I realize that without Him walking this dark path with me, I would have ended up becoming something I always dreaded without knowing why.

Do you know the Jen Johnson song, "In Over My Head? Check it out if you have not heard it. It reminds me of what you said.