Today has been good, wife and I are getting Along well, flowing conversation, continuing GAL, have a behavioral health class tomorrow, 180s in progress steady, still reading DB and DR, trying to break ice further with W, making progress in communication and expression of feelings, hoping for more advice on how to connect quicker or is this still going to take some time?
I'm in a good mental and emotional place right now, so I want to take this period to hammer this out:
R after BD so soon is something I have always wanted. That being said, if you want to use my example, the 8 months since BD and the four months of DB/GAL, making mistakes, MC, NGS C, has allowed me to grow in other aspects that I never thought possible. Maybe my results very from person to person, but I am painfully realizing that the R that I had was pretty toxic. To the point where I hid behind R for a lot of my life issues (as did she). Once the rug was pulled out from under me, I was forced to work on myself, because I could not control W or her love.
I don't think if I R as quickly as you I would have faced my 30 year plus demons (V pointing out my FOO Family of origin and Steve85 on my NGS issues), or taken so many steps to learn more about myself and expand in many ways (except my waistline).
What I'm trying to get to is, while you're piecing so quickly after BD, work excessively on yourself. GAL (to the max). 180, all that jazz.
Me dishing out advice sounds hypocritical, I know. But I have two thought processes currently active:
- One based on emotions, caused by anxiety due to external factors (W with OM primarily), which sends my reasoning crashing into the "emotional-based-decision" territory. 999/999 times when I acted upon those thoughts it ended badly. This is still my primary thought process because of the trauma I have suffered and continue to suffer through my W's involvement with OM.
- The other is based on my logical thoughts, brought upon by me being calm (thank you Buspar and the occassional dose of Xanax). It's from my logical thoughts in conjunction with a great MC, DR/DB books, and a DB coach that I'm able to see a lot of positives coming out in regards to my sitch. It was also those logical thoughts that allowed me to dig into the reasons why I'm in the sitch I'm in and begin to fix myself. I started gaining steam on fixing myself about three months ago and I'm making more improvements regularly.
It took me five painful months to realize that before I started to work on turning myself around. Things appear to be gaining steam as it was just LAST WEEK that W acknowledged the changes and the effort I'm putting in to make the changes to better myself.
Right now, my emotional thinking is about 70% and my logical thinking 30%. Last month when I started posting and reading the DR/DB books, I was at 90% emotional and 10% logical thinking. So even though I've been here daily complaining about how bad this is and asking for analysis on every single encounter with W, I have been able to grow and I'm seeing a trickle of good things. I'm trying to keep it under control, because I know that this is a roller coaster journey. And it's going to take months of consistent actions and responses from W to determine whether R will take place or not.
Where am I going with this? I'm saying that it's great that you're piecing, but take. it. slow. Work on yourself. Our W fell in love with us not because of our insecurities and need to be "rescued". They fell in love with us because of we were strong, lived by our own morals, had boundaries, communicated well, and made compromises as needed for the better of our relationship. Don't forget your roots. Talk to W about why she fell for you in the first place and work on that. Hard. Face and deal with your insecurities. Hard. You have a great opportunity to ask her. I'm slowly working my way towards asking W for the same thing, but I need to work harder for it.
Thank you for the reply. Your insight is well taken, I cannot expect instant gratification, as this will surely take time to fully R, and I need to not let my patience get the best of me.
Pain,
Thank you for the response. I appreciate your insight, and agree with your points. I am still continuing to gal and 180 as I know I need to continue to work on myself to make this work. You have a good point about asking W about the man she feel in love with, and I may approach that Q in time. Thank you. I have followed your sitch over the last few weeks and am rooting for you as well my friend. Best wishes.
Last two days have been amazing, W and I have been spending a lot of time together, kids W and I spent the day cleaning up a manufactured home we got placed on our land (our family house burned down last year in Feb) and been in a 5th wheel since, and we all had a great time. Later W asked if I wanted to go out with her tonight for a few hours to have a drink, and unwind after our long day. I found a sitter and we went out to a local Bar and had a great time. Played some pool and tied up 1 to 1. We plan The tie breaker for next week, as W said she enjoyed the outing very much and wants to start having us nights at least once a week. Went home and watched a movie a lot of solid talk throughout the night reconnecting. W now asleep and thought I'd journal a bit. Sons first day of school in the morning (K) and we're both very excited for him. No intimacy since BD yet, and I am not pressuring for it, but W and opened up to embraces and kisses again. When BD occurred W basically was sleeping so far on the edge of the bed I thought she was Levitating, and did not want to be touched whatsoever. Hoping our growth continues and been taking it slow, am still reading DB and DR, 180 and GAL during this process. Any insight would be appreciated as this journey continues for me, but so far so good. Peace yall
Last two days have been amazing, W and I have been spending a lot of time together, kids W and I spent the day cleaning up a manufactured home we got placed on our land (our family house burned down last year in Feb) and been in a 5th wheel since, and we all had a great time. Later W asked if I wanted to go out with her tonight for a few hours to have a drink, and unwind after our long day. I found a sitter and we went out to a local Bar and had a great time. Played some pool and tied up 1 to 1. We plan The tie breaker for next week, as W said she enjoyed the outing very much and wants to start having us nights at least once a week. Went home and watched a movie a lot of solid talk throughout the night reconnecting. W now asleep and thought I'd journal a bit. Sons first day of school in the morning (K) and we're both very excited for him. No intimacy since BD yet, and I am not pressuring for it, but W and opened up to embraces and kisses again. When BD occurred W basically was sleeping so far on the edge of the bed I thought she was Levitating, and did not want to be touched whatsoever. Hoping our growth continues and been taking it slow, am still reading DB and DR, 180 and GAL during this process. Any insight would be appreciated as this journey continues for me, but so far so good. Peace yall
Been a few days so I figure I would put an update. Kids have started school and have been having a blast, W and I have been working on the new house, light, upbeat mood, we have really been enjoying eachothers company, W has been initating hugs and kisses a bit, we've been talking a lot, her mama is still sick in the hospital so we have been driving the 120 mile round trip every few days to see her, together with the kids. She's to come home soon. Still been reading DB and DR, and my 180s are continuing. W said she has noticed a much happier, composed, upbeat me and said it is refreshing. Planning for our future and opening up a lot more about how we feel and makes makes us tick. Been a dramatic month, and progress is flowing. I am constantly working on my actions and how I respond to situations and am a lot happier myself. Any feedback welcome. Well DBers, stay strong, much love y'all.
