H said he was going to look at housing, maybe moving out in Oct. That was a few days ago and hasn't been mentioned since. Meanwhile we are still living quite well together in a friendly manner. Got gifts and a nice dinner for my b-day yesterday. I am continuing to be active in my pursuit to GAL. My detachment is not going so well, though. I need to get back on track, for sure. He has said on a few occasions that he wouldn't blame me if I wanted to date. Maybe if I do he will feel less guilty? Maybe he's projecting what he wants on me? Who knows. I let him know that I am a married woman and I don't plan to do that while I'm married. This is all a bit exhausting.
My W also told me I should date. I had that same response as you. I have no intention on meeting anyone right now and probably not for a while if we D. W was a bit taken back by that.
H and I are scheduled to have "the talk" tonight about firm plans for him to move out. I'm quite nervous about it. Both our kids are away at college and I said we should go there to talk to them about it this weekend. He got very pissy about it and completely refused, saying he doesn't think we need to do it "in advance". I had a message ready to send back (all this is through e-mail), but I erased it. Why fuel the fire? I wonder if he is fearful of telling them? Trying to control the situation better? Hard to tell. Last week I mentioned I thought we should have a written agreement of the "rules" of separation. He balked at that too.
Anyway, I'm in for a difficult week with the imminent separation. I'm a little uncertain what points I need to remain firm on. Anyone who has gone through a controlled and agreed on separation that has some input I would really appreciate it! In the meantime, I'm still pursuing GAL. Have a few things planned this week! Detachment is another story, and I've got work to do on this. I've fallen off the wagon so many times!
He is definitely bringing up you dating to make himself feel less guilty. That is a projection. You handled it fine, even though he may not have liked it.
You are wanting to go to your kids' college to tell them what's going on? Seems like the separation rules are simple:
1. Person who wants to separate needs to GTFO. 2. Bills 50/50 3. No cake-eating
Don't worry that you've fallen off the wagon, everyone has. Just recommit and get back on! I only have the halfarse, in home but not really, no rules discussed "separation" b/c my spouse was having an affair experience. I wish I could give you more advice on this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You are wanting to go to your kids' college to tell them what's going on? Seems like the separation rules are simple:
1. Person who wants to separate needs to GTFO. 2. Bills 50/50 3. No cake-eating.
Yes, I want to tell the kids in person. Last week he said he doesn't see why we have to go there together. That I could talk to them and he could at another time. I want adamant that I would not budge on this that we should do it together in the best interest of the kids. Now he's saying he won't go this weekend "in advance" and that's that!, (even though he will probably move out next week). I left it alone until we talk tonight.
I agree on the 3 basic rules, but how do you monitor the No cake-eating? Maybe it's a matter of see what happens and go from there. All I can control is my own actions, and I will not waver on my integrity and values. In principle H agreed to no dating but he didn't sound too convincing.
It's official. H is moving out Oct 1st. Planning on 60 day trial and then go from there. And here we are. Had a meal together, and watching T.V. with a glass of wine. It's almost too bizarre for words. I'm not sure how I feel yet. Sad it's come to this, I suppose, but in a way relieved that there is movement in ANY direction. Glad to have a place to put my thoughts down.
H committed to an extended stay for 4 weeks. The purpose is for both of us to determine if we want to do the hard work to try to repair the marriage. I have been steadfast I wanted to see if we could build something new, since January. He could never decide. I'm hoping a separation will help us both make clearer decision on what we want. I'm not so steadfast in my desire to repair the marriage, as I have serious doubts H will be able to do the things necessary for me to trust him again.
I'm doing fairly well on GAL. Detachment has been bumpy, but hoping it will go better when he moves out. I'm wondering about NC? Considering we both agreed this was the best thing to do, do I always wait for him to contact me, unless I have "business" things to talk about, such as our college-aged kids or finances? He's still going to take care of the lawn, etc., and I plan to be out when he comes to do that.
I think he is biding his time. You've been telling him since January, and here it gets delayed again? Who decided on the delay?
Just to clarify, he's moving out Oct 1st to an Extended Stay hotel. Committed to a 4 week stay.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
If you drop bomb on him that you're done and it starts now, it would certainly change the dynamic. Why can't he decide?
I'm simply not ready to start mediation or divorce proceedings. If we can build a new marriage out of these ashes I still believe 27 years is worth saving. I've been happily GAL for a few months now, and am liking what is happening to me, especially rediscovering my faith. I'm not wanting to date, so this will be fine for me I'm hoping a separation will allow us both, maybe especially H?, to figure out if we are willing to do the very hard work of repairing/redesigning our marriage. I believe H dragged his feet for so long because is he really doesn't want to give up all the good we have, but doesn't believe it's possible to build a strong emotional connection nor face his demons. It's hard to say, because he really doesn't share that much.
