I am moving back in the hope that she will see changes in me
No. If ANYTHING you do related to DB is for her, it will backfire. You are moving back in because YOU are the one who hopes to save the M and the marital home. You are a decisive leader who stands up for what is right. If not for you, then for your children. You are a man of integrity and honor who shows his children the way to face adversity with strength.
She wants to leave? Fine. Open the cage door and set her free. But you CANNOT "nice" her back. Drop your expectations. The way to look at it now is to identify what would make things worse, and then avoid doing that.
And I'm sorry to have to be one of the first people to mention this, but it applies to almost everyone here: consider the strong possibility that there is an outside party involved. If that is something you can't handle, decide now how you want to proceed.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
No. If ANYTHING you do related to DB is for her, it will backfire. You are moving back in because YOU are the one who hopes to save the M and the marital home. You are a decisive leader who stands up for what is right. If not for you, then for your children. You are a man of integrity and honor who shows his children the way to face adversity with strength.
She wants to leave? Fine. Open the cage door and set her free. But you CANNOT "nice" her back. Drop your expectations. The way to look at it now is to identify what would make things worse, and then avoid doing that.
Burned is wise.
The way to also look at it now is to identify what IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, and then do that. Do not worry about her reactions. You are strong and can handle it.
Lead your family through this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am moving back in the hope that she will see changes in me
No. If ANYTHING you do related to DB is for her, it will backfire. You are moving back in because YOU are the one who hopes to save the M and the marital home. You are a decisive leader who stands up for what is right. If not for you, then for your children. You are a man of integrity and honor who shows his children the way to face adversity with strength.
She wants to leave? Fine. Open the cage door and set her free. But you CANNOT "nice" her back. Drop your expectations. The way to look at it now is to identify what would make things worse, and then avoid doing that.
And I'm sorry to have to be one of the first people to mention this, but it applies to almost everyone here: consider the strong possibility that there is an outside party involved. If that is something you can't handle, decide now how you want to proceed.
Thanks burned. This is great advice and you are right of course, I will be doing it for me and the kids. Trying to save marriage but as you say I can't force her. Don't think there is another party involved but wouldn't rule it out either as she is very deceitful. But not something I am worrying about.
So today I am moving back in against her wishes. Had these 4 text messages last night -
"All your stuff and bedside table has been moved to spare room. Do not enter my bedroom"
"I am asking you one last time not to come back. You rented for 2 months, stayed 2 weeks only! I really can't live with you under same roof. I can't have you here!"
"Last 2.5 weeks you made me very ill, you suffocated and drained me. Even thinking of being in same house with you gives me palpitations!"
"Even your own daughter is not happy with you moving back!"
The last comment is untrue, she has basically put this into her head, she is 8 years old.
I have not responded at all, is this the right approach or not? Reading the rules of DB I shouldn't?
Sorry you're here. I just wanted to let you know I moved out on BD because I thought it was best for W and the kids. I later found out she was in an EA and that was why she manipulated the situation to get me to move out. I took a 6 month lease and eventually moved back in against her wishes.
When i moved out it justfied the fantasy in her head, and allowed her to tell people I had left her which was completely untrue. Living separately has it's advantages, for example it gives her time and space and allows her to miss you, but if you move it should be done for the right reasons for you not her.
Please don't make the mistake I did and move out for her. She has no right to insist you leave the family home or guilt you into it. Through the DB skills (detaching) I have learnt here I can now live in the family home without arguing or rising to anything, regardless of what my W says or does. If you can learn to do this then there is no reason for you to leave.
Just a note on her "seeing your changes", the chances are even if your changes are real, permenant and shown perfectly it will still take a long long time for her to be open to beliveing them. In my case I started implementing real changes 2 months after BD but she didn't start to properly believe them till 7-8 months after BD. Just want to prepare you for how long this really might take, patience is key.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
Thanks Lusa. I am confident I can live there without issues. Moving back is the really the right choice as the 2 1/2 weeks away has not achieved anything, it never made her miss me at all. Quite the opposite in fact.
I wouldn't respond to the texts, you have told her you're intentions so just follow through now and do it. When I made this decision after 7 months out I received the following great advice from Sandi
Originally Posted by sandi2
If you intend to march back into the house, claim the MBR, and expect her to be transparent.......I think you will be faced with great opposition. With that said, I want you to understand that I am not opposed to the idea of a man going back to his house and rightfully claiming what is his. I am just saying that if his WW is not ready for him to return, he is in for a battle of wills.
Based on the stories I can recall where the H reclaimed his position in the home, the WW did not go down without a fight. You see, when the H agrees to leave the home at his WW's request, I believe she thinks that is the biggest step in her plan to gain freedom (getting the H out of the home). It is especially nice for her when the H is so willing to run her errands, do odd jobs around the house, chauffeur the kids, and then go back to his designated place at the end of the day. That is a lot of yummy cake for a WW! She sees herself holding the reigns of power in this relationship. If she decides to D, she already has the H out of the house, so the next step is just signing paperwork. If her affair doesn't gain speed, then she can keep the H at arms length, and still get served cake. She has the benefits from being legally M, and gets the affair partner on the side. So, if the H moves back home without her agreement, it really upsets her playhouse.
If the H tries to reclaim the MBR, the W may physically fight him, or she may call the police. We hear more & more of this type of WW reaction when the H tries to force his way back into the MBR, or force her to leave it. So, think carefully about the hill you want to die on.
Know the law. If you have a lawyer, check to make sure of your rights before you try to physically move your things into the house. There are some crazy laws, so don't assume you can do whatever you want, just b/c your name is on the mortgage. You don't want to be arrested for trying to enter your own house.
So, every man has to decide what is best for him. If he goes back to the house, he should not be navieve and expect his WW to be happy about it. I don't suggest he move his things back into the house without telling her, b/c that pretty much begs for war to break out. Also, if he has to sleep in a separate bedroom, he needs to weigh those options and determine if he is gaining or losing ground by moving back. I'm just saying he needs to think before leaping.
LBH 47 WW 47, M 15 T 18 D 11 S 14 BD, I moved out (duped) Jan 18 3 yr EA with ex-H discovered: Feb 18 I moved back in: Aug 18 (against her wishes) ...No R No M/C, continued limbo, dropping the rope!
