Had a nice day today, but ended with a mini-meltdown. Good day at work. Got some stuff done around the house, then off to my new group I joined from Meet Up. It's a walking group. 2nd week. Some the same people, many new ones. After the 4+ mile walk. they invited me to a local brew pub. Met another gal that has the same profession as me, and about same age, and we really hit it off. We are going to a walk with lunch afterwards with a group on Saturday. I really enjoyed myself. Very pleasant evening! Then, home alone. Ugh. Was doing well until one statement from a new series I'm watching from a nun.....We'll, that's your calling, isn't it? I burst into tears. I realized I'm pissed that H never was interested in hearing really anything about my desire to help people....... my job as a nurse, my volunteer work, or supporting me when I expressed interest in going on a mission trip (which I have never done but am looking into now).
How selfish of him! I feel like he robbed me of so many things I enjoy doing, when he should have been encouraging me. He had his interests. He pursued them with a passion. I was left to take care of the kids and household.
Well, the beautiful thing out of that is that I have a very close connection to the kids. I wonder how close H feels to them?
Finding out all kinds of things about myself. Getting stronger every day.
Had a nice evening with a friend last night. Busy every night this week. GAL is going well. They BAM! I have a dream about H last night. That he was already seeing someone else, and it was someone I know (although he wouldn't say the name), and he told me it was just for a while then he wanted to move to my home state with me (which we have never lived in together and never even discussed it). What the heck? Where did that come from? Perhaps that's exactly what he is doing....soothing himself. Or perhaps it's just my biggest fear coming to me in a dream. I don't know, but it was upsettig.
So, I spent a quiet bit of time in my bible study early this morning, and will soon be off to another MeetUp (4.5 mile walk with lunch afterwards). Got projects around the house for the rest of the day. H is coming tomorrow to take care of the lawn. Should I be here or not? Something to consider for today.
You should do whatever you typically do on Sunday regardless of when H comes over to care for lawn. Don’t let him dictate your schedule..
Any GAL plans you could do?
I usually am at church, and he knows that. But I wanted to get a project done this weekend so might be around. If I was truthful with myself, I would openly admit I am curious to see him and I do want to know his plans after his 4 weeks are up in temp housing (in 2 more weeks). But thinking I shouldn't bring it up, and let him.
Hi Grace, I see you are GALing like crazy. That’s good. Keep detaching some more. Forget about time, time is a gift. Don’t play mind games, dreams are dreams or nightmares...not real.
Yesterday H came over to do the lawn. I was home getting a project done. We hugged, and I felt he was close to breaking down, but he didn’t. We chit chatted about house stuff, car repairs, etc. I think I backtracked a bit on detachment as I asked him whether he planned to go to any of the classes at the gym as people were asking about him. I told him I wanted to know because I didn’t know what to say. No one except for a very few people know he is living elsewhere. He said he didn’t know if it would be awkward if we were there together. I said I didn’t know until we tried it. When he left, he gave me a light, quick kiss, long hug and said he missed me. I told him I missed him too. Not sure if that was the right thing to do. Later he texted me and said it was good to see me. Not sure how to respond, I just sent a smiley face.
H texted me earlier today saying he was going to class and asked if I was. I just said Yes. Before the workout, he said he was looking at places starting Nov. We originally agreed to a 2 months separation, and then reassess. His Oct rental was for 4 weeks, so he’s looking for a move. He said it’s cheaper per month to get a furnished apartment for 2 months instead of one. I was a little surprised and told him I thought we were going to reassess after 2 months but he can do what he wants. Later I did suggest that the kids would be home the whole month of December and he can sleep in the spare bedroom so he can be with them over the Holidays. He said he would think about it. ( I doubt he will. I think he's avoiding the kids, and hasn't even contacted D19 yet as far as I know). We parted with me telling him I was busy the rest of the week so I wouldn’t be at the gym so he can feel free to go to any class and didn’t have to let me know. He got a little defensive and said he thought I told him it was o.k. I told him it was, but since he texted me today I wanted to let him know I wouldn’t be there. If he chooses the place he’s looking at for Nov and Dec, it’s too far to go to class so this is only going to be for another week or 2.
I could use some advice on how to navigate this. I’m the one that suggested it might be better if he moved out for a few months to figure out what he wants, and I can use that time to do the same. Is what occurred and how I handled it a major set-back? I’ve got plans every night the rest of the week, and I don’t feel upset, bad, or really anything after seeing and talking to H after 2 weeks, so I guess that’s something.
So I have to go see D19 2 hours away to help her fix her bike (her only transportation at school). H knows about it (I told him, and asked if he wanted to help her on this or should I handle it) and his solution was to send money and have her just pick out a new one. I gave her both options, and she wants help. So, do I inform H and ask if he wants to go so he can see the kids? Or just leave it alone and go without saying anything To my knowledge he hasn't contacted her since I told them about our separation.
H came over the do the lawn today. We chatted for about ½ hour. It was pleasant enough. Not really awkward. Talked about just normal stuff, work, kids, etc. I noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. Ouch….. Trying not to assume anything about it. I want so much to ask him about it. I guess that’s not in the DBing rule book though.
He is going with me to see the kids tomorrow and take care of my D19 bike situation. 2 hours there, 2 hours back. It will be interesting to see how it goes. In the car, with the kids, the whole thing.
Someone today told me I seemed happy. I thought about that for a moment and realized that for the most part, I am. I am committed to be happy for myself, and if H comes along for the ride, he is welcome (within boundaries, of course). Wish me luck on the excursion tomorrow with H. I need strength to DB for a whole day!
