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She was physically and verbally abusive for years. Yes I did learn from this. However, she called police and they released me without charge.

That helps.

To keep you two from hurting each other.

What about on the 30th? Did she do any thing physically to you? Or did you escalate it from a verbal argument to physically trying to control her?

There has been violence in the marriage. It doesn't really matter which of you files for a non-molestation order or an occupation order, there would be a court injunction in place and it would potentially have an arrest order attached to it. Even though Police NFAd it, there is still evidence there. An occupation order would give her (or you) the right to keep the other away from the property.

Is this really the route to go down? The chances of your kids not getting embroiled in this are next to non existent. Are they going to be okay with seeing Mum or Dad removed by the Police? It isn't an idle threat; she's called before.

Abandonment is not an issue in any divorce proceeding; it simply helps to show an irretrievably broken down marriage (the only grounds for divorce in the UK)

If you want an alternative opinion; forcing yourself back into the marital home against the other persons wishes on a background of domestic violence smacks of bullying and harassment. If I were the W it certainly wouldn't make me start to change my mind, but confirm everything I think I know about you and the marriage already.

Let the dust settle; emotions are running too high. Start DBing like mad and show her the changes are permanent.

I thought the only way she would see me change is if I am at the house. Separations very seldom work as how can she see any changes in me when I won't have any contact. So basically this is the end.

I wasn't keen on H moving out either (7 months ago) for the same reasons as you. How could we work on our M if we weren't living together, it will make it harder for him to come back etc etc.

What I didn't realise, or refused to realise was that everything about me made him angry and just how toxic our home environment had become. The relationship wasn't violent, we never shouted or raised our voices. But we avoided each other. The silence (even to our young children) spoke volumes. They saw the angry looks he gave me. They say the sadness in my eyes. They would have seen him recoil at my touch, they would have noticed there were no more kisses as he dropped me off in the morning, no hugs when he came home at night.

And this is a relationship where there was no violence. I can only think the impact where violence exists.

Do what you feel is right. However, consider your children and the memories they will take with them as they move into adulthood.

There are advantages in having your own space. They cannot blame you for everything that goes wrong (you are not there to blame). If the garbage is not taken out, it is because they didn't do it. If something goes missing, it is not because you moved it. You are no longer the fall guy.

Also, make the changes for you. Start with controlling your emotions. Meditation works for me. If she notices or not should be secondary to your becoming a better man and and a better father.

... sorry if that came across preachy.

Not preachy at all. I appreciate the advice. I have decided to not move back as I don't see the point. Think my marriage is finished and I am expecting that now. As you say just need to concentrate on myself moving forward.


One good thing to come out of this is I am going to try and repair my relationship with my mother. She hasn't spoken to me or my grandkids in 7 years but I am taking them there at the weekend. It will be against my wife's wishes but it's was down to her in the first place that my mother stopped talking to me. So hopefully this will be a positive step although she will be furious when kids tell her no doubt.

Crofton

Why wouldn't there be contact. You have young children so there would be contact.

Forgive me my Northern bluntness but you have agreed that the marriage was wrong for years. You changed for 2 months and then got into an argument and grabbed her and then moved out. You say it got worse. Worse how? She'd already told you she wanted a divorce. It looked like you did exactly what she would have predicted you would do and revert to previous behaviour when she pushed your buttons. In her eyes therefore you haven't changed.

DB telephone consultant said to me that there were 2 things that my H could be sure of: 1. That they knew absolutely everything about me 2. that they thought I couldn't change. I think this applies to you as well.

If it has been problematic for years then 2 months is not long enough to convince her that you have changed. She may never be convinced. If as you say, you have said hurtful things to each other in the past, it would take me longer than 2 months to acknowledge that it wasn't going to happen again. I would just think you were doing it as a means to an end and not because it was a genuine change.

She needs to see that you are going to genuinely respect her and that may mean it is returned to you.

You don't need to be in the house to change because the changes are for you. She will notice. Do a 180 and do the opposite of what she expects you to do (fight and argue presumably) and she may sit up and take notice.

Why should this be the end? The process of trying to change and create a new marriage hasn't really begun yet.

We can all sense how high your emotions are running, because every one of us can relate to it. She's telling you to give her space but take that space and time for YOU. I promise you it does help.

One of the things that was pointed out early to me was "Is what you're doing making it easier or harder for her to reconcile?" You should be asking yourself this constantly. (Hint: "forcing" your way back in, with a history of physical intimidation, is a red flag.) One of, if not THE biggest thing for women is to feel safe and secure in the home. Right now she doesn't, and anything you do to confirm that feeling of being unsafe is going to drive her farther away.

You are worried about her not seeing the changes if you are separated. You have kids, you will interact. She WILL see the changes. It might take time.

Go see a lawyer.

Good for you for reestablishing a relationship with your mother.

She will see you at every exchange of the children.


Separation DOES work.

This is just the beginning of a long process.

You have been given a gift. You do not see it. Some of us here see it.

You have a choice to accept this gift, or smash it.

Do you know what this gift is?