You need to get out of the house and do something. Meetup.com if nothing else will find you an activity. I was out training my puppy and shooting today. Came home and cooked true texas chili, fresh homemade tortillas and tomalito to go with it. I love cooking from scratch, all day in this type of weather.
Call an old friend, make new ones, go to the gym, go for a walk, go for coffee, go window shopping, find a new hobby.
I got emotional today too b/c I was watching the final episodes of The Office and it gets super emotional with marriages and relationships under stress. But I made it through ok.
Just remember that these lonely feelings will pass! Things will get better!!!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So sorry that you find yourself here... after 38 years... I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you. Just want you to know that you are not alone. Life is not over. You WILL get through this and there will be happier days again. Unfortunately, the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. Try to stay busy. Do the things you would advise a friend to do if you they were going through similar things. You can do this Banjohe... one moment, one day at a time. (((HUGS)))
Have to agree that Meetup.org is a great place to start. It is NOT a dating site. Just like minded people with similar interests getting together with other nice people doing things they enjoy. I joined a walking one. It's been terrific. In 3 meet-ups, there has been 2 or 3 new people each time.
Reach out to friends, both old and new. If you are faith-minded, dive into activities at your place of worship. If you don't exercise, start NOW. Gyms are very social places, and it does wonderful things to the mind and soul, too. The most important thing is to not sit at home alone for long periods. This is the time we start obsessing over things, and that is not productive at all.
Well, here I am again. H was at a training (the one where he had hoped to fly his "friend" out--she didn't come. He was lovely during all of that time, and asked if I would have lunch with him yesterday. I said yes, and it was clear from the get go that he was irritated. Mad during the entire lunch--later I asked "we were fine for five days--you told me that I had nothing to worry about and that we both want to save the marriage--relax." To that he replied: I guess that just the sight of you makes me mad. Ouch. Lots of insults after that--I almost threw in the towel right then and there.
Today was a very lonely day, with a lot of emotional pain. I really never had much self-worth to begin with, so simply saying GAL doesn't do much for me. What tips can you give me? I also find myself wishing that someone would simply hold me so that I would not feel so alone.
First, I am very sorry you're going through this, but please know that we have all been through it or are going through it so you're among kindred spirits here.
Second, of course GAL is not going to do anything for you now, but you MUST do it. It is absolute critical to recovery. I had to drag myself out of the house at first, there was nothing I wanted to do less. I really just wanted to curl up in the corner. But after listening to the people here preach it so much, I made myself. It was really, REALLY hard at first. It slowly got easier to do, then eventually I started enjoying it and wanted to get out. And I still do those activities to this day and enjoy the heck out of them. I wish I had MORE time for GAL! It's released me from my dependence on others to make me happy. It's not a magic pill that makes everything go away instantly, but do it and give it time to work, I promise that it will.
Another benefit of GAL is it helps you to realize that your H is NOT your life. He's just a part of it. By the time you fully embrace GAL, if he decides to come back you'll be in a much better position to ask yourself if you even really want him back, and to lay out the requirements you expect of him before you'll consider recon.
Yikes. Man... they sure know how to hurt you with the comments. Wow. Banjohe... I would not worry about the "sight of you makes me mad" comment. He's not wrong. The sight of you does make him mad... and sad... and guilty... and a whole host of other feelings he isn't going to tell you about. His anger has NOTHING to do with you so don't take that on. His anger is all about him. He knows what he is doing is not okay. He knows he hasn't really given it his all. He knows that he is taking the easy way out. So... yes... the sight of you makes him really, really uncomfortable. And...still...he wants to see you. I know this is hard. I know it is counterintuitive. I know you know that GAL is very, very necessary. As AS said... you have to make yourself do it. You can only benefit. And you are not alone... not even close. Sending you a long distance hug!!! (((Banjohe))) You can do this!!! One foot in front of the other...
Well, here I am again. H was at a training (the one where he had hoped to fly his "friend" out--she didn't come. He was lovely during all of that time, and asked if I would have lunch with him yesterday. I said yes, and it was clear from the get go that he was irritated. Mad during the entire lunch--later I asked "we were fine for five days--you told me that I had nothing to worry about and that we both want to save the marriage--relax." To that he replied: I guess that just the sight of you makes me mad. Ouch. Lots of insults after that--I almost threw in the towel right then and there.
W"Really. Tell me more. Why does the sight of me make you mad?" H"Bla bla bla"
or "I am sorry you feel that way."
or "I am sorry you feel the need to blame me for your emotions." "It must be hard having someone else controlling your emotions. I will leave you alone so you can be happy"
Yesterday's development: Came home from work yesterday--within 10 minutes fighting again. He threw away a bill for life insurance. When I mentioned to him that it was a bill (we get a lot of junk from this company, and I acknowledged that) he launched into a tirade about how I had cancelled his insurance, years ago, and had to get it back after he was mad at me. I did not remember this (and still don't) and said so. He kept going, so I got up to leave. Then lobbed at me that I had called him feeble (not so), incompetent (not so) and that something was wrong with him (semi-true: I said that I thought that he might be going through some kind of crisis). I finally caved on the way upstairs and said that I would appreciate a compliment from him now and then, and that he was being unkind.
He did not sleep in our bed last night (or the previous two, part of arguing that he admitted was "picking a fight." I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I've read Michelle's books, and I am familiar with most of it, but his EA is where he spends most of his time. He even said "you did say feeble. I'll check with Dani (his ea)." I responded that I didn't care what Dani thought. He also said "why is it that I am only mad at you. That you are the only one that I treat like this?" I responded that I am the closest target, and the only one living with him. He responded "No. I think that this is you."
I am wondering how I can do a last resort with someone picking at me all of the time?
Another benefit of GAL is it helps you to realize that your H is NOT your life. He's just a part of it. By the time you fully embrace GAL, if he decides to come back you'll be in a much better position to ask yourself if you even really want him back, and to lay out the requirements you expect of him before you'll consider recon.
THIS is so spot on. I started GAL prior to asking H for a temporary separation. I'm in a pretty good frame of mind now, and have discovered so much about myself, and come to realize how much H was not giving me for years on an emotional level, out of old patterns and now I believe because he's not capable until he does a lot of work on himself. I am formulating a mental list of all the requirements for trying to reconcile. 6 months ago I was giving up everything I needed in my pursuit of him just try to stay married. Now I'm changing into a better version of me, and like I told him, I will do so with or without him in my life.
Hi Banjohe, You’re situation reminded me a bit of my own, like you I am a person who does not like conflict and retreats, which pisses my husband off even more. But I do agree with what Steve85 said, it is hogwash, to be blamed for wanting to retreat from someone who is approaching you in a way that makes you feel like you are being attacked. My H has a tone of voice that just makes me tense. He is also a lawyer and debates and negotiates for a living so when we do discuss things I usually lose or just feel so disrespecte i walk away.
I would try to bring this up in MC, and I would not blame yourself for his unhappiness or his EA. People have struggles in theyre marriage but it is unfair for him to blame you completely and not take a look inside himself. But he can only come to that conclusion on his own. The fact that he want to go to MC is positive. My H dropped the Dbomb on me a few months ago, then after a month said he was open to going to MC but cant promise me anything, then two days later was making plans for us to go on a ski trip with our son this winter. It has been confusing for me, and hurtful and hard. I think my H is going through a MLC as well. He turned 50 this yr, his DAD who was Superman in his eyes is dying from cancer and our son got expelled from 2 schools last year and then tried to take his life. Our son is in boarding school and we are now premature empty nesters. I was a stay at home mom, so I feel like i am having an identity crisis. This would rock anyone to theyre core but our marriage def has suffered because of all the stress. Plus my H hates his job, feels trapped etc.
Force youreself to reconnect with friends, get off the computer, get outside, put on good music and take a walk, or run. I’m taking a Spanish class and volunteering at a school to teach kids how to read. Give youre H a lot of space and stay positive, but lay down a boundary if need be...like if he is still involved in an EA. I look forward to hearing how it all goes for you. I started praying everyday as well, i havent been to church except on holidays but I feel like God is answering my prayers in very small ways but they give me hope.
