Grace, it will all depend on your state and the local practice.
Your first step will be to find an attorney. Many will do an initial consult for free. Find one that specializes in family law and not one that does family law and a million other things. The attorney can help you figure out which type of mediation might work for you.
Parties do sometimes attend mediation without their counsel, but you should know what you are entitled to going in by speaking with an attorney and not sign off without attorney approval of the deal. Also if that is the case it should be understood that neither side will have counsel present. Given your situation, because the children are adults, you might be able to just hire a financial mediator. My counsel recommended this before she understood what mine was up to.
Keep in mind that while everything seems nice now, this is probably his way of getting out of the door as nicely as possible. Mine promised that the kids and I could stay in the house and he wanted an amicable divorce. Two years later and all bets are off. Best to get the finances tied down first. If you can, do an actual separation agreement. Even if the statute doesn't provide for them, they may be enforceable as a contract. That way you get the best of both worlds, a resolution while he is in a more generous mindset and if comes back, you need never do anything with it except keep it in a drawer in case he does it again.
Check into your options now. Don't wait until later. Information never hurt anyone. Talk to several lawyers and find one who is a good fit.
In my mediation, we had one attorney who did the mediation, but we each had our own separate attorney to consult with. That worked well because your own attorney can tell you what's fair, what you might expect if you went to court instead, can advise you on negotiations. There are things i agreed to in mediation that I might not have felt as comfortable with if I didn't already know from my private attorney that it was as good or better than what the courts would have given me. And it kept my ex on the right path, as his attorney would give him a reality check when his demands were unreasonable.
I would go to a mediation session, then consult my private attorney during the week, then go back to another mediation session.
I learned recently (from a statewide database) that my H had quite a few speeding tickets all from around the time he began his long distance affair with OW. From there, he seemed to keep a clean driving record for several years. Now, I learn from my insurance company that he has been involved in a collision in the small town where he lives (I can't even fathom how he could possibly have a collision there). Shortly after I learned about it, he sent at home child an overly sappy and sentimental text. My guess is that the accident was somewhat serious based on the insurance company response and it scared him a bit. Can't say I'm surprised by this development and it jives with my faraway observations that he is suffering some pretty overt depression now. I'll be checking the criminal filings for a few weeks to see if anything pops up there related to this incident. My first instinct, and my lawyer's too, was that he was possibly intoxicated. I had already been questioning before the accident whether I would allow him to drive the child anywhere given the drug use and now drinking, and although he isn't asking to see the child, I confirmed that I could ask him to meet the child somewhere (public says my lawyer) in case he does finally ask to see him again.
He was cited for reckless driving (if it was a DUI it will be a while before it is charged). He is not cooperating with the insurance company. It is the two year anniversary of my kicking him out. And, we had an eerie stalking episode the other day--it was the wee hours of the morning and I'm relatively sure he wanted me to see him. Only left when I turned the light on in my room. He has been calling the younger child again as well. Divorce is still going nowhere fast. What joy. If the stalking persists, attorney will require that I seek a PO, but I really don't want to do any more than he has to jeopardize his employment.
MY XH had a DUI , probably right about the time he disappeared and it affected our insurance and company vehicles ect. and the car he left to my brother we had to allow the car to get repossessed as the insurance would charge a crazy amount with XH name on the title as sole owner. .It was a mess
The stalking might be some false sense of power since he has no hold on you anymore and no way to get through
all the crazy behavior, stalking and DUI just confirm addiction/MLC which I see as one in the same these days
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I always love hearing from you. I remember a long time ago reading about your H and thinking that would never be my H. He never, ever drank, would never do drugs, would never smoke . . . So much for all that. Sad when my first reaction to seeing that he was in an accident was that it was likely his fault and he was likely drunk or impaired. Well, I was right about the his fault part. I guess I'll find out about the rest in time.
If he was intoxicated, I don't think the insurance will cover the car or the damage, etc. But, since it is his problem and his separate tort in view of his filing, I'm not even going to bother looking at the policy or the statute.
While I still don't know if he's NPD, I do know that he has lots of narcissistic traits right now. I know that narcissists like revisiting past lives where they felt better about the mask they were wearing then. I'd assume the stalking is that or just his need for control. For the first time he has no idea what we are doing or whether we are in town, etc. (I stopped using a credit card that gave him lots of info).
I agree with you. It some strange soup of depression/addiction/MLC/escapism, etc.
And know what you mean about not threatening his employment
Maybe L can send a warning before you have to resort to a RO
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, the stalking is not that concerning to me right now. I think he just wants to feel some sort of connection and know that we are here.
He has done three more subtle things that seem to be anchor checks, but perhaps I am reading into it.
He has now gone a full week without contacting the kids. The only only other time he has done that in the last year was when I was pretty sure he was out of town. This time crosses over into his work week, so I think he is just pulling back because the kids aren't responding. I think it is best for my son that he does not text. My son wants an in-person relationship with his father who makes him a priority. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want a text relationship that lets his dad tell people they talk regularly without making any effort. It is likely he is trying to get my son or myself to inquire about why he has stopped. Not going to happen.
He has still never responded to the insurance company. They contacted me urgently and I sent him a very short, uncharged email telling him they needed to speak with him. It has been several days and I can tell from the online status that he has not done anything. I am concerned it can affect my policy, but there is really nothing I can do. I don't know anything about the accident. There is an injunction in place that prevents us from interfering with each other's insurance, so I do not want to communicate with the insurance company in case they might take some action based on what I say.
I also received a match to my fake OLD profile for a new dating profile for him. Guess life with the new woman and her kids isn't all that. I have no idea why he doesn't block my fake profile so I don't get these things. I know he knows it is mine. I think he thought I would contact him about it, as I did in the beginning.
I've still not heard or seen anything on the divorce. I really thought the tax change would be motivating to him because it will likely cost him $60k or more in taxes he can't push off onto me. Why would he let the end of the year go by without making any effort to save this money? According to my lawyer, if he doesn't do something very soon he will run out of time.
I also don't understand why he would stop the minimal effort he was making with our son while the divorce is pending. He has to know that they are going to enter a parenting plan and in the past he at least seemed concerned what people would think if he had no custody or visitation.
Hard to say whether the sum of these things is someone who has just stopped making any effort, someone who is circling the drain, or perhaps is just upping his passive-aggressive mechanisms to force contact. I don't get it.
