I realized this evening that I hadn't really posted many details and that I may want to read them again later.
We talked a lot the day of the settlement. He acknowledged how hard I have worked on myself. That he can see it.
The reason he hasn't really been coming over and dating or anything is that just isn't where he is at mentally and he didn't think that would be fair. I sort of equate the not being mentally where he had an interest in working on the marriage with the not in love with you anymore.
He mentioned he did still plan to post, but I notice he hasn't so wondered if he will, he has also been really crazy busy and stressed at work. I know he didn't sleep hardly any the night before the court hearing, the night of the court hearing and I guess would have been one night before that, it was three nights I know of he hardly slept.
One of the reasons he said he needed the D is to get out of limbo, that his health has really suffered over the last year.
He also mentioned he might read some of DR again. I doubt that I think that was for my benefit he said that more than anything else.
While we were discussing the settlement and I broke down in tears and said please don't lie to me anymore. He admitted to the affair with J, said they did not have sex in our bed. They have been intimate, I asked how it felt while still married, he said like crap. But he admitted he sent her roses this year for V-day. Said he didn't remember what the card said, that he thought maybe there wasn't one. Which is a possibility, he tends to sometimes send flowers without them.
He said he never has and never will use, "Just in Case" with her. That was the way he always signed my flower cards and other cards. Just in case he hadn't said so lately he loves me. I sure do wish it were still true.
I said I don't want her to read my threads or your threads with my IM's on them. He said she will never know they are out there.
When I gave him back my ring, I said remember when you gave it to me and asked me to make you happy for the rest of your life? He said yes, I said well since you have taken back the hopes and dreams that went with the ring, I am giving the ring back. He looked very sad and very sincerely said I want you to keep the ring.
I gave him the palm he had given me last Christmas as it was listed on settlement. He said keep it. I said give it to J, he said I don't want her to have it, I want you to have it.
I asked him if he enjoyed being with her more than me and he said not really.
I asked if he sleeps when he goes to her house as he almost always does here, he said no. I asked if that is because she is more entertaining? He said no, but he thought it was because he isn't as relaxed there as he is here.
I asked what they do besides go out to eat and he said that is it mostly.
He said he isn't sure he will marry her but he thinks so. I said she will hurt you, and he said probably. That is why he isn't sure he will marry her, but he thinks she is what he wants.
That is when he talked about not being mentally where he wanted to work on the marriage.
I also wonder if because the lifestyle he is leading now is very similar to what it was when I met him. No house responsibilities, or animal or anything besides go to work and then they go do whatever. That is what he and I did when we were both living in our apartments. I believe maybe quality time may be one of his ll's. Because there was lots of free time to talk, go out, make love, just whatever. When we moved into the house after the wedding that all changed and we became so caught up in everything that there was no longer all that personal time.
We used to go to the river and watch the sunset and just sit and talk. That all stopped, we were too busy and too tired.
Well, now he is back to that lifestyle and I wonder if a part of why he isn't mentally where he could work on our marriage is he didn't want the lifestyle we had after our marriage? I didn't either but maybe he can't see that.
I was very surprised with all of his honesty about J. That took guts, more than I thought he had in him actually and I believe it will help me heal to know that I wasn't way off base and being a paranoid witch, that it really did happen.
I said what about her temper? Is that what you want? He said no. I said why do you think she has changed? I know people can change but they have to want too. I said did you know she had an affair on her first H and her steady in high school at a party she went in the bedroom with three guys and pretended drunk. Her date is someone I have met recently and he was telling me how humiliated he was at the party. Then she had at least 3 affairs on G. I asked what makes you think she won't have an affair on you? He said I don't know.
I know some of that I should not have said, but it was a very emotional day and I thanked him for opening up and being honest with me.
My thought is I need to not bring her up again. He answered questions and telling him about her bad habits isn't going to do any good. Sort of like can't tell him about my changes he had to SEE them!
He told me recently he had had a feeling I would find someone that is all the things he isn't.
I'm sure part of that is to make him feel better for the D and I wonder if part of it is an indication of him feeling bad about himself?
I told him didn't want the house was going to get an apartment and crawl into a hole. He said the new Pam wouldn't do that, at least not for long. That the old Pam would have done that.
Seems he has seen the changes.
I asked if he was divorcing me for her then and he said no, the divorce is for him. Something he feels he has to do.
I asked so what if you find out you aren't happy after you get a D. He said he just didn't know.
You know I wonder if she will live up to in reality the picture he has always held in his mind of her? She was his first intimacy, and when we were dating he talked about her, never by name, and said he met someone one time he should have married. But I don't think he can live with her temper and the screaming. So I guess we'll see. She dumped him that first time and I felt he sort of put her on a pedestal or enshrined her or something.
He said he wants us to stay friends. I asked what kind, that say Hi if we see one another or friends that do stuff together. He said more than Hi but sort of just have to see.
He said we may go to Imax and see the NASCAR film.
I don't know how much of what he said was to try to make me feel better and how much he will still mean when the emotions settle.
I got 2 or 3 good hugs and a good-bye kiss if I quit crying before he left to take the agreement we had signed to the courthouse.
He came back afterwards and stayed and talked for a while longer. Don't remember what about really. The day sort of blurs.
Then he called me that evening I think to check on me.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
At least he was honest, he sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. And you know what? He will get treated like crap from J. So yeah - if all this is about J, he's going to get what he deserves.
I guess it is really sinking in that I am alone now. Living here alone was still like he was just away and would be back eventually. Now he'll never be back and I really truly am alone.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Pam - don't sit there feeling worse. Get out and do something! It is Saturday. Join a softball league, see a movie, go have a nice dinner out. Go to the gym, find a really nice place to walk, go get a massage or manicure/pedicure. Do something for yourself!
I agree with Ogda and dfb...starting enjoying life. D doesn't sound at all happy and J sounds like a dandy. If D sees you out there doing things, living life, ENJOYING life, he is going to be envious. You're free, D's not!!
Hi Pam - I'm just a newbie, but have read your threads & those w/ CHL. First i have to say that you've come so far, and I admire your honesty and especially your caring for so many people.
I agree that getting out and doing something is REALLY hard - I spent countless weekends & weeknights paralyzed on my sofa. So, I have a suggestion for you - since you seem to like helping & giving to others so much, how about you go to a bookstore today, and pick out a book that you think we all should read that will help us on our journey. You can then come back here and tell us what you picked & why you picked it.
It's just a suggestion. I found it much easier to get out if I had a "mission" or something to do to help someone else.
Take care of yourself! You have many friends & admirers here on the BB. -H2H
It's just a suggestion. I found it much easier to get out if I had a "mission" or something to do to help someone else.
Volunteer work is always good. And it puts your life in perspective too - there so many people who are so much worse off and need a hand.
No feeling sorry for yourself - I agree with Left, you are FREE. David is already tied down like an anchor, and he's going to sink. Stay off the computer and go do something!
I sure do wish it were still true. 
And it puts your life in perspective too - there so many people who are so much worse off and need a hand.