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Thank you Steve and ovrrnbw. I appreciate your input and advice. I have only contacted him three times since he left and all were necessary communications about the kids and the house. Other than that, no good mornings or good nights or I love you's which has always been our thing. I will continue to keep my communications to a bare minimum and business-focused.

I have been thinking about the OW thing too. So far, no one has caught him with anyone. My sister and her H tracked him for two weeks straight and my friend, who lives just around the corner from where he is, regularly drives by and walks her dog past his place and has never seen anyone there but him. However, it is completely possible that he could be having an online EA if not one in person. I have also been watching our accounts and VISA like a hawk (I've always done that so I know his spending habits well). He has only had access to his own money since the middle of May but prior to that, he had no access to anything that I don't have access to. All of his pay cheques go directly into our account and I know where all the money goes. There have been no big withdrawals ($20 here and there) and no strange charges to our Visa bill. This was the same when we were in our former home in a different city. So if he is seeing someone, she is paying for everything. And...he has always looked ill and depressed to me save for the eight months he was home prior to this spring and I would think that if he was in a "new love", he would have lost weight (he has gained) and looked a bit happier? I asked his mom about the alone time issue and she said that even as a child, he has always liked to spend hours by himself. He has a ton of hobbies and interests that he gets absorbed in so I can see him losing himself a little bit in that. I also think, knowing my H like I do, that if there were someone else, he would be a bit less conflicted about leaving and he would not have texted me last week about being ashamed and sorry and wanting to come home even though that only lasted a couple of days.

But, you are right, it is still a very real possibility. I think, though, for my sake, I am not going to dwell on it or torture myself with the possibility of it. In my mind, it doesn't really matter as it doesn't change the fact that he is gone and that I need to start focusing on myself and the things that I need to do in case he never comes back.

The good news about my H is that he is continuing to go to counselling so he is still recognizing that he has some work to do. I go past the clinic on my drive home and his car was there on Monday. He has also talked to me about some of the things they are teaching him in his group (his 3rd session is tonight) so I know he is still going to that as well. He is supposed to go there tonight and I will see a parking charge on our Visa if he goes like I did last week.

Anyway... again... thank you so so much for your replies. It really helps to know that there are other people out there going through similar circumstances and surviving... even thriving. I am very grateful.

He may have his own Visa. Very easy to get. And you would never know once he had another address to have it sent to.

That could be very true. I feel like if that is an OW, it is going to come out sooner or later and I am hoping I will be in a much stronger place to deal with it when it happens. I hope there is no OW but I am not naive enough to think my marriage is immune. For sure, it is very possible. But for now... I focus on me and working on my PMA.

Strange day today with my H. He came home to get our son and take him shopping for sweatpants... something I had jokingly suggested he could help me with in our text conversations yesterday. He then texted me a long account of how he had gone to three different stores and compared the length of a smaller size with the larger size so that he could find pants that would fit our tall but tiny waisted boy. He then asked some random question about why there is no such thing as an 8/9... as if I would know. He then texted me when he got back to our house to ask me if I would be home at the usual time and that he was thinking he might have forgotten to do something or drive someone somewhere. I said “no, not unless you are thinking about the tree issue I texted you about the day before.” He then texted that that was totally it and he feels better now that he knows what he was forgetting. It was close to his group time so he texted to say that he would be coming over after work tomorrow to take care of it. I then told him that his mom wanted something heavy moved that was in front of her door. Normally this would irritate him and instead he texted that he would “take care of it right away” and then five minutes later texted “done”. Normally it would have taken me three requests and four reminders to get him to do those things. I just replied “thank you” and left it at that.

I realized something in our exchange today. Keeping the rules in mind, pleasant, friendly, and business like, I realized that when he texted me about getting our son pants, my first instinct was to respond [as I would of prior to BD), “great but did you remember the tress?” I didn’t though because I realized that would negate the fact that he had just done something else that I had asked him to do. To me, the trees would have been a priority over the pants but I realized in that moment that it was not his and that was actually okay. I am so used to scheduling and prioritizing and reminding (my H has ADHD and relies on my reminders but, at the same time, resents them), that I think I have made him feel more like my child than my partner. The stupid thing is that I was, at some level, very much aware of this dynamic and I knew that it was eroding our relationship. For some reason, I just thought I would be able to fix it / change it “later”. Eleven years of marriage... when does later come?

I am rambling a bit now. I had a great day. Really good day at work (ironically, I’m a therapist), an appointment to get my nails done and a positive, surprising interaction with my H. Funny that as the sun goes down, my confidence and resolve does too and I start staring at my phone wishing it would ring or I could just text him my thoughts like I used to. But I know I can’t so here I sit journaling.

My DB book arrived today. Have read the Introduction and Chapter One. The part about how divorce affects children really got to me. I mean, I know it because I am a child therapist and I know how kids are impacted when their family structure changes - no matter how amicable it might be. It changes their world and I so do not want my kids to have to go through that. I want them to have what I had, not what my H had. Sadly my H never had his parents together so I think the really underestimates the importance of it.

It’s only been five days of this new reality (me asking him to leave) but it feels like five weeks. I miss him so much. Or maybe it is the idea of him that I miss given that he hasn’t really been here for the past seven months. I know I did the right thing. I am someone who has made a career out of doing the right thing. Why does the right thing have to be so darn hard?!? Okay... I’ve rambled long enough. Time to read some posts from others on this forum. Need some inspiration. Thank you all for sharing your stories. It helps so much.

Why are you still having exchanges with hi,m? Here are the texting rules:

Texts that do not ask a direct question do not get a response. If he texts a direct question, take your time. No need to rush back to him with the answer. When you do answer it should be a short a possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

If he tries to start an R texting exchange you shut it down: "I'm not ready to discuss this yet and need some time to think about before I give you an answer."

Remember, the less communication and contact the bettter!!

Thanks for the reminder Steve. I have only had one conversation a day since he left. The first three were initiated by me and were about the kids/house and were "to the point". The last one was initiated by him and I guess I probably let it go for too long because it was unexpected and it seemed to me that he was trying to please me by getting some things done that I previously would have had to "nag" him about. I did not answer immediately which is very strange for me because I answer all of my texts immediately if I am free and he knows that. With him I have honestly been delaying my responses and they have been as short as I can possibly make them... also, very unlike me. It is a work in progress and I, for one, have never been afraid of work. Like I said previously... doing the right, and usually the hardest, thing has always been my MO... something both of my parents instilled in me from an early age. "Nothing worth having comes easy." So... as painful as this is right now, I know that I will, in my own way, come to embrace the pain and the discomfort because I know that it is a sign that real change is coming... and I know it will be a good change regardless of whether or not my H and I remain together.

This is only day six of him having "moved out" [although he has yet to come and get any more of his things] but it feels like an eternity to me. There are so many times I just want to pick up my phone during the day and text him random thoughts and observations which is our habit as we have similar senses of humour and both of us work with teenagers (he is a teacher and I am a counsellor) but I don't... and he doesn't. I hope this is as much of a "disturbance" to his pattern as it is to mine but I know that I can't worry about that as this is really the time I need to focus on me and let him go to walk whatever path he needs to take. I have known for a long time that my H has "issues" - even before this WAS behaviour - and that likely there would need to be some sort of therapy or soul searching in his future. I just did not think that he would need to leave me and our life together in order to do it. But he has... and he does... so I am working on letting him go with love and facing my own fears head on.

I have read and re-read a lot of advice on here and I so appreciate other peoples' stories and hearing about LBSs who have gotten through this experience and the lessons they have learned along the way. I am also exceedingly grateful to the people who, even though they have moved past this stage of their lives, still check in to pass on their advice and wisdom that can only come from having walked the walk and talked the talk. A million thanks... it is helping me immensely and I feel like I am miles ahead of where I would be right now if I had not found this BB.

Tonight is my daughter's TKD belt test and both me and my H will be there. A great opportunity for me to take a step forward towards my ultimate goal of detachment. If anyone has some last minute advice, I'd appreciate it. I will be sure to report back tonight on how it goes.

I am so sorry for DejaVu. You are in a trough right now, but things don't stay there. They do get better.

Keep reading the other situations, it may help. You are older and wiser than me, so it seems like you know this life event is going to change you. Do everything to make it a positive change.

Thank you Ovrrnbw. Tonight was way tougher than I had imagined it would be. I had pictured my daughter and I going to TKD and him being there waiting for us. I had my exit planned. Of course... what is they say about the best laid plans? My H showed up at the house an hour before the test. Just breezed in with a smile on his face like he doesn’t have a care in the world and then launched into a 30 minutes worth of saved up news from the week of us not talking except for “business”. It was so normal I got sucked right in and listened to him talk about his week and his work frustrations, etc. I couldn’t help myself. I’m sure I just looked so happy to see him because, the truth is, I was. It was so good to see his face and hear his voice and for that half hour, I just forgot that everything is so crazy. When it was time to go, he suggested we drive to TKD together and I just went along with it. We ran into our neighbour and chatted with him like everything is normal. Then he sat with me while we watched our daughter and both of us just beamed with pride and I found myself looking into his eyes and sharing that with him... the way we always did before an alien invaded his body.

Afterwards, driving back home, I prepared myself for him to get out of my car and into his as soon as we returned but then he didn’t. He came into the house to help our daughter tie on her new belt. I told her I was going to take her and her brother (who we had to pick up) for celebratory sundae and then i did it... set myself back... I opened up my mouth and I heard myself ask him if he wanted to join us. He looked uncomfortable, for the first time, and paused like he was thinking about it and then said, “no, I don’t think I will” and looked at me apologetically. I tried to recover with a nonchalant “ok” but it was too late... I have the world’s most expressive face and even with my smile, I’m sure he could see disappointment in my eyes. So then he went to hug our daughter good-bye and i quickly went into the kitchen to busy myself with dishes and put some space between us but then he came over to where I was and, for a second, it looked like he might try to hug me as that would be his instinct but he stopped himself and walked past me and said something inane about how he misses his friends and colleagues he left behind in our old community. I just stood there... frankly I don’t care... you miss your work friends but you just walk out on your wife and it’s no big deal!! Get the hell out of my house you a**hole!!!! Okay... so I didn’t say that... but I wanted to. Anyway... he left shortly after telling me he would text me tomorrow to let me know when he would be around to take care of the trees we need removed from the front yard. And off he went... I almost texted him to tell him not to bother with the trees... that I would figure something out but honestly, it’s about time he did something around here. At this point, as much as part of me wants to see him, I think it will be better if I just go somewhere while he is there working. I need some distance.

So... two steps forward and one step back. I know that GAL and working on my PMA is the way to go. I know it is. I am working really hard to let him go. I have to work on the cordial but not too friendly. He just [censored] me in and I don’t want to be angry with him when he is around. But I also don’t want to give him the impression that I am just A-OK with this arrangement either. I feel like I’ve just made things sooo easy for him and he’s always had this delusion that divorce is a great idea if one person isn’t happy and the kids will just be fine. I know that my kids will be as good as they an be because I’m a damn good mom and I will make sure they are. But... I also know that they would be much better if they had both their parents together full-time. My mindset about marriage and kids is that you give it 110% and try EVERYTHING you can to make it work unless there is abuse involved. And we haven’t done that. This whole time I have thought his behaviour was due to chronic pain and medical issues so I’ve been enduring this absentee husband thinking we could work on our relationship once he was better only to find out he has CHOSEN to be away from me and our children day in and day out fort the better part of three years!!!. The eight month break in between is a bit confusing but my H says that he thought it would be a fresh start and he would TRY to be happy. If you had seen him, you would have thought he was doing a great job of it because he seemed very happy. But...looking back on it... there was still a bit of a distance between us.. like a wall between us that I couldn’t get through. We got along great but it was like there was just an inner layer to him that I could no longer access and really, when I think about it, have not been able to access since about a year after our kids were born.

Anyway... an hour ago i felt like i was spinning but writing this has really helped me to put things into perspective. I feel like i can breathe again. Thank you all for being here. It helps a lot to know that i am not alone. Bless.

DejaVu6 if the WAS wants to talk I think that's great. Just listen and validate, let them do like 80% of the talking. Ask questions but try not to carry the conversation. Maybe only carry it if they start asking you a lot of questions, but keep it polite and on the surface, don't go deep or talk about R. Also, I feel it's ok and in the DB toolbox to invite the WAS to do family GAL as long as there are no expectations and you carry on with the activity after they say no. I am referring to the kids and taking them get a treat.

I really think you have a level head and I like your perspective. Maybe it's who you are and/or byproduct of your therapist training. Our sitch are different, but I will definitely be following your sitch.

Good luck and I will say a prayer for you.

Thank you Twofeet. I really appreciate your encouragement and advice. I was beating myself up for issuing that invitation. I think mostly because I fell into the trap of thinking that he was enjoying his time with me and that he might be open to coming along with us. I knew he would probably say no and I was mad at myself for daring to hope he would come - as much for my sake as for our kids who have not had much time with him this past week. Today he is coming over to work in the yard. I would love to think it is because he feels some attachment and responsibility for “our” home but I think, more likely, it is guilt. It’s funny... I read about Kech’s sitch and how angry her husband is. Is it strange that I wish my husband would be angry? I guess because anger is a really intense emotion and implies that underneath it all, he still cares about his wife? My husband hasn’t been angry for a long time - irritation is the closest he gets but for the most part, he is just checked out...numb...detached. That feels worse to me than anger. Two weeks ago he was intensely ashamed and scared so I thought there was hope. But I think he has used the last two weeks to runaway from those feelings and to convince himself he is doing the right thing to walk away and that all of us will be better off in the long run.

I think I have always been an introspective, level-headed person so TLR fits with my personality. It is very hard though. I have four years of loneliness and sadness built up inside of me and given the revelations of the past few weeks, those feelings, when I allow myself to feel them, also have a lot of anger attached. My H has gotten off very easy in that respect because the love for my children is greater than the anger I have at their dad. To let all that out would be jeopardizing their relationship with him and I can’t have that. Honestly...what really floors me about this is that, despite everything he has done and continues to do, I still want him back. What is wrong with me? Why am I not the person running away?

Don't think about what he is thinking it's a cheeseless tunnel. My wife is a rollercoaster and I sometimes have a hard time staying off that ride. When I get invested in the what's and the why's I just end up emotionally 2 steps back. If he feels guilty then good, he should feel guilty, he did this not you. His guilt is not your problem.
My W has gone through phases of depression through our marriage. She says she has high functioning depression and tries to use change to elevate her mood. I feel like it's grass is greener syndrome. There have been plenty of signs this year of this happening and unfortunately my inadequacy truly recognize this, to address this, or help her address this feels like she is turning this on me and our marriage. This is the next big change to get her out of slump, make her feel alive, seeking something better to make her happy. I could be wrong, but after doing some self reflection this is the narrative that makes the most sense.
My point is you need to make yourself a satisfied happy person. You can't make your H happy only he can do that. If he stays miserable forever then it won't matter because you will improve. DB will help you move on with or without. We don't want our WAS back we want the memories, the comfort, the security of our spouses back. We want the good times back, we want the reciprocated love back. Unfortnatley, I am realizing there is no going back only forward. Read the lighthouse story. Be the lighthouse.