When you are first working through a ssm, a schedule is your friend.
A schedule removes excuses and forces both spouses to face associated issues.
A schedule may not be as much fun, but it does get things started. ;-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Here is what we did: After agreeing to sex twice per week and then having H's definition of a "week" set me into unnecessary rages (meaning, he'd forget that we hadn't done it that week and I'd go ballistic), we then came up with the following agreement:
We never go more than 3 days without having sex.
This seemed to keep it fresh in his mind...as an activity that we do FREQUENTLY and not something that you just put out of your mind until the urge hits, or loneliness hits or whatever. It kept me from turning into a bitch and it jump-started his own desire.
We had an agreement to do it twice a week and my W, like honey's hasn't gotten it right yet. I'm not sure what to do about it. One side of me wants to ignore it, not initiate, wait until she reads PM, then try to revise a plan. The other side of me wants to implement the exact same thing honeypot did.
How does one enforce it? Should I give her crap about it when she doesn't comply to something she originally agreed to? She told me a few weeks ago that she doesn't have a problem with the sex but that she's not used to the "idea" of it. Not sure what that means.
Last edited by AtlDave; 04/28/0407:03 PM.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: A schedule removes excuses and forces both spouses to face associated issues.
We've done the scheduled sex before and it's worked pretty well for H. Ironically, I tend to be more LD in a scheduled situation. Not that I'm not willing to try it, I just hate the thought of doing it.
Quote: We never go more than 3 days without having sex.
So what is your agreement past that? You will not go more than 3 days and then who initiates? (Or, does it matter?) And do you always go the whole 3 days, or sometimes do you ML on day 2? And (this is the technicality I can see my H thinking of) exactly what is 3 days? If you have sex on Monday, is that day 0 or day 1? And is it three whole days or 3 24-hour periods? Like, if you have sex Monday night at 8 then do you have until Thursday night at 8 to do it again?
I am not asking those stupid questions for myself, but for H who I KNOW will ask them. And then Thursday night will roll around and it will be 7:30 and I'll go for it and he'll say, "Um, it's not 8 yet."
Quote: She told me a few weeks ago that she doesn't have a problem with the sex but that she's not used to the "idea" of it.
My H said something similar. He said once he gets going he's okay, but the anticipation is more like dread. I've been trying to respect this (thinking of what Michele says in SSM about how some people aren't aroused until stimulation has taken place), but it's difficult when he fights me tooth and nail to even get to the point where ANY stimulation is going on.
- Heavyheart (still working out the differentiated details)
HH wrote: ------------ We've done the scheduled sex before and it's worked pretty well for H. Ironically, I tend to be more LD in a scheduled situation. Not that I'm not willing to try it, I just hate the thought of doing it. ------------
I completely understand. I went through an 'adjustment' period. "Geez, it's almost eleven and johnson is taking a nap wondering what the heck I am waking him up for." My initial response was to think I had turned LD in less than day. It went away :-)
Now, most days between 8 pm and midnight, we have a good time around here. Occasionally we get to play surprise and do it at some other time or place :-)
All in all, schedules can be pretty cool!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Listen, you psychos, just have some sex will ya!!!!!!! LOLOL
Ok, here is our agreement. Ours is a very loose agreement, mind you. If we have sex on Monday, then I know that at LEAST by Thursday we will be having it again. There are no time cutoffs, such as 8:00 or whatever. Monday is Day Zero. Day Three is Sex day, if it hasn't occurred already, in which case the clock is reset. Ha haaaaaaaaaa. You guys have me cracking up. We never got into the rules this heavily, I am only speaking what seems to be our rules.
Here is H's general way of operating: Sex on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then a long break (which he would love to extend to sometime the following week) until Saturday. I am the one who insists on sex that soon, even though we just had a long stretch of lots of sex. I know, I'm awful! But if he had his way, we have these marathon sessions infrequently and he'd be off the hook. I want something a little more regular. I can't do that feast or famine thing.
So now you have ALL the scoop on us. Oh, who initiates...whoever, but it is mostly H in our house. He has 'approach' issues as well.
