Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt5

Helena , Arshi and Nicole - for you wonderful women to be actively responding to my sitch giving me thought provoking womanly perspectives is so very dear and kind. It touches my heart that you take time to give me heartfelt advice to help me better navigate my unfavorable position. It also restores some of my HOPE to know that there are good women out there with hearts filled with love and compassion. I often ponder if I will be able to fully give my heart to my W or any other woman who may want to walk the path of togetherness.

That said-I have been thinking about what you all have said in regards to gently reaching out to W. For the letter-I agree. I am not fully sold on doing so for the purposes of the updates. My reason for this is it makes me the initiator of communications- not the goal I want. It can also potentially backfire because she has never asked me for any updates - am I to assume she wants my updates? What if she wants to know all details of all S doings? How much detail should i give? I need to take account on how S feels on this touchy subject-S may feel I am going behind his back now that we are closer relationship wise. I do not want to tear down what we have built. To add to this - lets say I told W that this past weekend that S and I had a blast on the weekend at one of the local escape rooms. She may have resentment thinking that I am trying to make her look bad by being the "Disney Dad" or even think that I am rubbing salt in the wound for showing her life continues without her. For all the vets who have experience in this - I am willing to learn the proper steps and I thank you in advance. Especially you wonderful ladies- to care - to love- to share your thoughts- it is a blessing what you consistently show me here. Thank you!

Leave it alone.

STFU about S with W.

Let S manage his R with his mum.

V

Thanks V - it was what I had thought. All clear now.

So you're waiting for her to initiate contact? How long are you going to wait? What if she never does except to initiate D? If that happens, do you feel confident you did everything you could do to reconcile?



Does she want your updates.....like you said, this has to be killing her but even still, no I wouldn't assume anything. You could start out by asking her one day if she'd like you to keep her aprised of the score, maybe his next big game? See what she says. Would S really be upset with you if you told him you were sharing those kinds of updates with her? Couple of good points there, your goal would definitely not be to make her feel less than or left out so I wasn't suggesting updates that are like "look at how much fun we're having", nothing personal like pics of the two of you or updates on the fun times you have...just something. Perhaps knowing that you two are interacting, even on a very small scale, might open the door for him too. You never know. Model the behavior you want him to follow.
I understand you don't want to damage your R with S. Believe me, I so get that. I also differ here from other people here that 15 is "old enough". I have a 15 year old right now and while she's very capable, she's still just a kid and she still comes to me all the time with questions about how to handle situations at school. 15 is not old enough to know how to navigate situations like this. Something else I was wondering...I wonder if he sees your no contact and thinks that's how these things are handled when you disagree with something someone has done? No contact between a H and W is much different than no contact between a child and a mother. Short of abuse/neglect/addiction, I just feel so strongly that the R between both parents is critical and even in cases where the child does not want to go,where custody is concerned, a judge will still insist that the child has some sort of R/visitation with both parents. I'm assuming the only reason she hasn't pushed for some sort of custody is because she's honoring S's feelings which seems like the epitome of putting her child before herself to me. Do you see her actions differently?
I know how hard this for you and how fragile you view your R with your S. But you're still the parent and sometimes parenting means we can't be the friend first. These are just my thoughts, not my judgments of you or about me using your thread as a means to disagree with anyone else. You know your situation best and you're an adult and I have no doubt you will take these opinions and do what is bests for you. With that said though, I'm assuming you're here not only for support but also for differing viewpoints from various people with different experiences so I'm just sharing my thoughts as a Mom of 4, which happens to be my favorite job in the entire world

I didn't see this before I posted or I wouldn't have bothered.

Helena- your opinion as a woman and a mother have value. It allows me to see from a different lens. Please do not withhold your comments -they are welcomed. I see that you have a good heart and good intentions. Please keep posting. Thank you so much for caring!

LW, when someone tells you STFU it is meant to minimize, intimidate, devalue what you are saying and shutdown meaningful conversation. I have been through enough of these types of interactions in my personal life to know it when I see it. And then to have someone else witness it and say "thank you". ?? Blows my mind and is definitely not congruent with you in the next breath telling me to keep posting and that my opinions have value. Well thanks, but I do at least know at this stage in my life that my opinions have value. The question is, do they have value to you? It seems not as you didn't address a single thing I said in my second post.

This is supposed to be a supportive forum, free for people to share and to speak their experiences in order to help others and I may be a newbie here today but I posted religiously on these boards for 3 years many years ago and it was a life saving experience, full of supportive people and also people who would push you as close to the edge as they could get you in order to implement needed change. It was great and I learned sooooo much. No one ever let me wallow in my self pity and there was always someone there to suggest something new. I will also say that in those 3 years, no one ever once told me to STFU and if they did I can't imagine anyone else thanking them for saying it.

peace.

Helena - Please understand I did not have alot of time to fully respond initially. First and foremost that I value what you have to say and welcome your opinion knowing it comes with good intentions. I have some difficulty with an action plan because for one- I have never done this before and want as much info from the vets before I proceed. Vanilla - I feel also has good intentions wanting to share her knowledge and wisdom being the WAS. I feel that is very important. I am very analytical and want to view all sides and opinions.

As for the STFU comment - I did not take it negatively because if you see earlier in my thread V was consistent in always stating to stay out of the way between S and W relationship and let it take its course without my interference. I think V was just emphasizing what she said initially. I did not take that has derogatory. Just me.

In regards to my R with S. We have become tighter. Communication is better-I allow him to be involved in the game plan for the week. Things that need to be accomplished along with the menu plan and cooking. I try to get him involved as much as possible to keep him occupied and to also know I value his opinion when decisions involve him. I also feel that S is wise beyond his years. Read the comments he made to my W when we were in therapy. It shows some deep mindful insight to come up with these questions and comments. Do I think he is capable of navigating these difficult times alone? No - but I will do my best to support him in anyway I can. Believe me - if you read back in my posts - there were times I reached out to S about getting mom involved. A concert ticket, going to his game and other occurrences. All this did was negatively impact S for days to follow. I see his anger and pain on these days and would like nothing more than to take them away. The thought of interaction with W really takes the wind from his sails and totally depletes him emotionally. I do get you comment about modelling the behavior that you want S to shadow. I find that his feelings are still to raw. For him to sit in a room with W and I and the T and to have his head down with his hands cupping his face - shows his uncomfortableness in that position. I do want want to put him on the spot although I do hope for a relationship between them.

In regards to the updates. Do I feel like not knowing is effecting her? I think so but I know it would kill me not being connected or not knowing. I feel that it is best for now for me to minimize contact. My feeling is that -for me the less contact I have with W the better my chances of detaching as opposed to weekly contact where i would just await the next interaction trying to read into responses or texts. I know I still have a looooong way to go .I know this may sound spiteful but she made the decision to want to S and move out. Part of me wants to let her feel the consequence of her choices. Maybe even snap her out of the fog. I think Sandi said it is once the WAW looses something of significance that they snap them out of their fantasy world. I also fear her possibly using these updates to further her negative opinion of me on how I am doing all the things with S. Just how I feel.

To all that care enough about my well being to take time to read - give honest heartfelt input. I am grateful ! Blessings!

Hello gang, Just some journaling. I took some time this week to connect with S more because he will be spending a good chunk of August at my brothers place babysitting their 2 boys. he will be there Monday to Friday only coming home for baseball games and the weekends. This week we went to the local video play area and spent a couple hours there. We had lots of fun. We also went go-carting - this was the first time S drove alone. He really liked it and said he would do that again. Today we may head out to a movie and then he said he wants to take me out to dinner because one of the people from church gave him a $50 gift card to use at a restaurant because they said that they wanted to recognize his good deeds in the church. My son ushers at the church alongside me and participates in all the masses we go to. These people have seen my son grow up in to a good young man. I am so proud of him!
Sent W a text about letters to be picked and got no response back yet.
I received an email from the start up company that they are in the process of drafting up a job offer and that start date would be first of September. In the meantime I have 2 interviews next week along with followups with two companies that are considering me for future work. Somethings gotta give soon.
Otherwise things are still the same.I still am trying to stay positive and foccused on S and I. Still working on being the best me. Trying to grow spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. Thank you all for your prayers. Blessings!

Hello again gang,
I have not posting much - feeling kinda blah. My S is away Monday to Friday so it has been quiet sometimes lonely. I still have my dog with me so we are often out at the dog park or walking. It terms of me I continue my morning routine with prayers and then breakfast and then off to the gym. My health is good but I want to keep improving. After the gym I walk the dog . I ran into some friends at the park today- They mentioned I look lean and fit - what he referred to as my fighting weight. This made me feel good. Then I do my job search - I had a phone interview yesterday that went well. I have an interview tomorrow. Now I have 3 companies that might be looking at me. I hope something happens soon.
I will pick up S tomorrow night for the weekend. He turns 16 on Saturday. I asked him if he wanted to have friends and family over - he said no "it doesn't matter".. I said Of course it matters - You matter! He said hes just not into it. So he agreed to go out to dinner on Saturday just me and him. And then he asked if he could take his favorite aunt ( my sister) . I said sure- anyone else? - He said nope.
In the evenings I usually read some posts- doing some reading on self improvement and take a bike ride. I find my emotions still all over the place. Sometimes good - other times just plain crappy. I do think of W but not so often. I do wonder if she will try and do something with S for his bday. I definitely will stay out of the way should that happen.
I had dinner with my best friend this week for his bday- he told me he was going up north for the week so he invited me to stay with him a couple days. I just might take him up on that.
It has been pretty much the same NC with W - S has good and bad days and so do I. Hopefully a new job on the horizon.
Enough rambling- I will continue to pray for you all - and thank you for prayers in return! Blessings!