On Monday, W's lawyer sent me a sep. proposal and budget asking me to leave for at least six months. Economically and with regard to my parental rights, the proposal is a joke. Immediately, I drafted the following reply, which will give you a sense as to what was proposed, but after speaking with others and calming down a bit, I bagged it for now.
At the outset, I will not enter into formal discussions concerning an agreement unless W stipulates the following as part of an agreement—many of which she has declared to me on numerous occasions:
1) Assuming no material change in circumstances from this date until the date of an agreement W has no grounds to sustain an action for separation or divorce in New York State; 2) W is unhappy in the marriage and does not believe counseling will have any impact on her feelings and thereby rejects her husband’s attempts to pursue counseling as an appropriate mechanism for achieving reconciliation; 3) W does not blame her husband for these irreconcilable differences and acknowledges that her husband has been a strong and reliable provider for the family as well as being a good father; 4) W’s perceived unhappiness in the marriage and her circumstances in life have had an adverse impact on her mental well-being and she believes this unhappiness detracts from her ability to provide the level of care she deems necessary for her children; 5) W believes the removal of her husband from the household will fortify her mental ability to care for the children and the benefits she derives from such removal outweigh any negative consequences the children may experience due to separation of the removal their father.
First, my initial reaction is confirmation of my belief concerning the economic devastation a separation or divorce would have on our family and the well being of our children. Combine that with the other externalities of separation, to contend that a separation is beneficial to our children appears dubious at best.
Second, aside from the accuracy of the budget provided, the numbers appear grossly inequitable given the circumstances that: 1) W is the party seeking to terminate the marriage; 2) she has no grounds for divorce or separation; 3) a voluntary separation on my part would be contrary to my strongest desires and convictions; 4) my leaving the family would be an extraordinarily charitable response to W's own internal issues of discord and ongoing efforts to remove me from our home and dramatically alter the nature of my relationship with my children; and 5) the random lottery-like state of New York law concerning the valuation of my law degree (assuming it has any value) could result in my personal economic ruin if a voluntary separation is leveraged into a formal agreement and conversion into a divorce.
Consequently, at a minimum, any expenditure beyond basic necessities such as the mortgage, taxes, food (these figures are debatable), and insurance should be subject to joint agreement. Moreover, personal spending should be weighted far more heavily towards my side of the equation. W is not precluded from obtaining a part-time job to bolster her earnings and has extraordinary access to far more high paying employment through her multitudes of political contacts and proven capabilities in the workplace.
Third, assuming resolution of these matters, I have no general objection to maintaining separate checking accounts, splitting existing cash assets, and entering into an agreement whereby each of us agrees not to diminish the value of jointly held marital assets. Indeed, this may be the first action that needs to be taken. Furthermore, before such assets are split, subject to further agreement, I have no specific objection to making required payments for the pool, beach house, and D8’s dance school. These are payments for the benefit of our children. In addition, some provision may be necessary to ensure that any equity in our home is available to secure funding for potential legal and litigation expenses, subject to appropriate repayment provisions or recognition in a decree of divorce.
Fourth, the duration and means for terminating an agreement, including any implications for subsequent judicial action requires far more additional thought and negotiation;
Fifth, there may be no greater issue to determine than custodial rights—which also impacts the issues above. Your letter clearly implies that W would maintain physical custody, but is ambiguous on legal custody. I can flatly assert that no final determinations have been reached on this subject. Furthermore, given the courts’ increasing disposition towards joint custody arrangements whereby the children remain in the family residence while parents alternate living with the children in such home, far greater exploration of all available options must be pursued than the fait accompli suggested in your letter and by W’s budget.
After ditching this effort, I really suspected W would be pressing me for reaction, but I have avoided her all week, and she has not pursued. I do know, however, that she will go nuts when she learns that I find her proposal unacceptable. The only real question to ponder is whether I: 1) negotiate the terms of an agreement along the lines contemplated above--which could be acrimonious) or 2) convey to her that I'm not going anywhere--which, as noted above, is certain to drive her nuts.
If you ask me what my goal is, right now it's not necessarily saving the M, but serving the best interests of the children and providing a more workable economic framework between us.
Finally, this morning I received a followup e-mail from W's attorney asking for my thoughts. So I sent this simpler reply and we'll see how this flies:
After careful review, in addition to creating extraordinary financial pressures on meeting family's needs, I do not believe this proposal serves our number one priority--the best interests of our children. However, the proposal could provide a framework for managing our finances and protecting/preserving marital assets given our current circumstances.
Meanwhile, I intend to meet up with KAW tonight and perhaps we'll get started on our NY-Metro DB event. Until next time.
Oh Merrick, I think your response, although having some tone of anger in it, really sets the pace for your future. I know that you have well-thought out the process and details of a D and are adamant about maintaining balance for your kids. I think that is highly commendable as it is for all of the other guys that I've read on this BB.
I think given the circumstances that your W's lawyer can give you some time to review and contemplate her requests. I don't think that after 4 days you should be expected to give a decision. I like how you handled your response to the lawyer.
Good luck Merrick. Hope things don't weigh too heavy this long holiday weekend. Tootles....................
Wow Merrick, Lots happening, I know where your at buddy. this is where the crap really starts hitting the fan. How has the lovely Mrs. Merrick been hanling her self with all the lawyer BS starting? Its a rough road but I think it may be a nessasary one for you Merrick. Life will be easier for you and her guilt will still work on her for what she is doing to her family. Just remember to leave her with the best taste in her mouth possible. Does that phrase sound bad in our sitch? Take care my freind, KOFTGF Beep, beep
So Merrick, after we just had a great chat over a couple of omelettes, you want a post to read when you get home! I failed to mention when I ordered a "ham & swiss" with white bread, I was expecting a sandwich. To say the least it was an interesting omelette with toast. Actually, I enjoyed it as much as I did the company! An hour and a half wasn't really long enough to cover it all, but managed to hit quite a few things (including some more details on the DB NY meet - We did decide to go with Bear Mt. Park, right? [Teaser for all you other folks out there. ] If so, I'll post it over the weekend.)
... but alas I had to get back to work. I hope you find the rest of your night peaceful and are able to maintain that terrific PMA thru those trying times ahead.
The more I think about it the more I like the idea of meeting for a Renegades game. If not as group, maybe you and I. I know D10 would enjoy it too, what about your kids? Maybe around Father's Day?
Good thing we didn't go to a bar; they had a sobriety checkpoint on Route 9 immediately south of Peekskill.
I can't think too much about our Metro get together. W and I will go to a neutral diner tomorrow night to discuss next steps--so I have to think and maybe even rehearse this out.
The primary goal that I want to come out of this is agreement to disagree at this time. Within, this, the framework I would like to present is:
1) I do not believe separation is in the best interests of the children, both emotionally and financially; 2) I'm willing and open to have someone else advise us otherwise (C) and offer suggesiotns on the best way to approach the kids given our disagreements; 3) Thus for now, I do not intend to move. This is not about me but what I feel is best for the kids--although I fully understand you may feel differently. 4) However, you have said that separation is a process--and the outline you provided me can at least start a more orderly financial process between us now that divorce is a distinct possibility. 5) If necessary, I want to avoid discussion of her "separation budget" because that will turn into a fight over money, fairness, and precedent for a divorce. Instead, I'd like to begin identifying mandatory family versus discretionery and personal spending and establish separate accounts for each of us. This could include dedicating even more money to the kids' college education, etc. 6) Depending how the rest of the convo goes, I'll try to avoid custody issues, but may hint at the joint arrangement as part of a separation, i.e., the kids stay and we split time outside the house. If this comes up, she may go nuts, but as Betsey says, there are consequences. 7) At no time during this convo do I want to convey any sense that I'm interested in restoring the R. What I'm interested in is the best approach to move forward without me being forced out of my home and preserving some normalcy for our kids.
Being that by the time I've read this you are already at or been to the meeting with your W, I'll just say I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it goes a smoothly as possible.
I like the idea with starting seperating the finances, seperate accounts, credit cards, etc... It should the most straight forward to accomplish amicably and hopefully that will help set a tone that is less adversarial in the following steps.
The benefit would be your W getting the sense of progress in an area without having to fight you tooth and nail every step of the way ... a more positive outcome, thereby increasing the chances she might be more willing to be cooperative with future steps.
Well, I met with W tonight at a diner and we went in separate cars, which was a good choice because it kept us in one place without yelling--but that was the only plus.
Not unexpectedly, W was did not like my unwillingness to move and did not like my characterization of the financial predicament she was proposing. At first, she walked out and then cam back.
She also didn't like the idea of seeing a C on how to approach the children and categorically rejected any notion of joint physical custody as bad for the kids (i.e., kids stay in house while W and I rotate staying there).
Realizing that these other topics were going nowhere, I suggested that we prepare a detailed budget as part of the process of splitting up, but she said there was no point doing this if I wasn't moving. And when I finally suggested for argument sake whether she would nix her "personal spending" and provide it to me in recognition of my sacrifice in moving--and that she could get a part-time job, she said all I cared about was the money and that she deserved to compenated for being in a bad marriage. She then walked out.
So, the bottom line is that W wants out, but mostly on her terms. Meanwhile, her family is at the end of their rope, wants me to throw in the towel, and are getting angry at my continued unwillingness to separate. Some even quesiotned my wisdom in wanting to be married to her.
Perhaps the next alternative (apart from hiring a lawyer) is to provide her more specific terms in writing that she can respond to. For example, boost the dollars I need to live the way I want, put spending for the kids under more detailed constraints, and require that we see a C together on how to approach the kids as a mandatory prerequisite. The thought being, if she wants out so bad, it's time to respond to my terms.
On the bright side today, S9's team won their third in a row to squeak into the last Little League playoff slot. The weather also was spectacular and we enjoyed a nice BBQ at a neighbor's house.
Tomorrow's another day--so we'll go from there, but I truly have no M at this time.
Have a great Memorial Day; Remember and pray for those who died defending our way of life.
Hey Merrick..well, it's about time for your W to start meeting some of your terms. I'm glad you are taking a harder stance w/her. Has the book helped you to see things in a different light?
I like the concept of the detailed expense report. I am at that point right now and working towards creating one myself. I hope I remember to hit all of the details so that I'm covered.
As for her family, why do they have anything to say to you anyway? If they care for her, why aren't they telling her to get out? I don't see it as positive if they are pushing to have you leave also.
I think you are approaching things in a fair outlook and if she really wants to end it, these alternatives are something for her to consider. After all, she has only one idea in her head and that is to have you OUT. I can really see how you have turned things around as far as approach and let her know it's not you or her but the kids. Seems to me that she is actually a little more perceptive to that concept.
Good luck and hope you hit the jackpot on one of these ideas sooner or later. Keep on hangin' Tootles.........
Take care my freind, KOFTGF Beep, beep 
To say the least it was an interesting omelette with toast. 
Actually, I enjoyed it as much as I did the company! 
An hour and a half wasn't really long enough to cover it all, but managed to hit quite a few things (including some more details on the DB NY meet - We did decide to go with Bear Mt. Park, right? [Teaser for all you other folks out there. 
