Merrick, Sorry it took so long for me to get back here but this has been a hectic 24 hours. The kids really keep me hopping. I think you are doing some thing good here Merrick, and I hope with all your Dbing she will see you for what you are after you leave. I am so sorry for your kids however, I know this will effect them alot. Your a great dad and they will need some time to adjust to this.
I think with where you are at this can only be a posituive to your sitch. As much as it hurts now be strong and try your best to keep your composure. The way you leave her will have a great effect on her. This is what you have been laying all the ground work for the last 10 months or however long you have been DBing. Just be her freind and give her the respect theat you understand her feelings, You dont have to agree, but you understand how she feels. One thing I foud that worked amazingly well for me last night as my W went into a tyraid on me was, I siply said I am done defending myself, you can think whatever you what because it does no good for me to tell you different, I know in my heart what my feelings are and I have tryed time after time to let you know and you refuse to believe me. Thats your choice, but I am donme defending myself. Everytime she tore ionto me looking for a reaction I simply said the same thing, Why are you doping this? I am not going to defend my self... Try it, it might help you to. It seemed to make her realize how blame orientated her convos are. Well thats my 2 cents. Hope your doing well my friend. I have a feeling in some regards your kind of relieved at your chance to make this desision finally. Gives you a chance to breath. I can relate to my feelings after my W becamre so crazy with the restaining order. What about the kids, Is there any chance you can do something like I am? It really is good for them. Gives them a chance to get used to the seperation of there family. It may be tougher on us parents, but the kids are most important right now. Hang tough buddy. KOFTGF, God Bless, eddy
Hi Merrick, wanted you to know that I'm here w/you and hoping that your W takes the best approach when you start this process. Don't be surprised if she starts yelling out more of why the M can't work or how much "harder" her life is gonna be coz she has to do it "all" for the kids now.
Just a word of warning in case.... Of course, we all know that it's not true since you've been busting your tail to keep the M going. I know you've hit those brick walls quite a bit (as we all have) and it's just another "approach" to DBing in a safer environment. Good luck. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Tootles............
Another topsy turvy weekend. Every time I'm ready to let go, she does something that makes me think, "Screw this; I won't let this woman force me out of my house." I still need to talk with my priest.
I won't go into the ambivalance/more of the same we had over this weekend, but I do have one dangerous gambit that I'm considering.
Since W feels so strongly that I am keeping a record to use against -- is there any value in giving her my journal (somewhat sanitized) to show that I am not hiding anything from her? Naturally, there would be a forewarning that there a lots of things in there that she might find upsetting because I used it to vent and never expected anyone to see it. Maybe I should ask if she wants to see it? Or am I just stupid?
your W is so wacked out there is no way sharing your private thoughts with her - even sanitized - can possibly result in anything good. If she is that desperate for communication, focus on positive, forward oriented conversation. Allowing her to dreg up the past will only fuel her fire.
There is nothing you can do about her comments about "the journal" just as there is nothing you can do about her comments D is the only answer. Control what you can control - which is yourself and your actions, and count on God to control the rest.
Although I understand its justification, I'm personally a little discouraged a solution to your sitch is for you to move out. Mainly because I'm struggling with a very similar issue. I do plan on moving this summer, but with my kids, and invite my W to move with us. I'd say in your case you need to keep your overall goal in mind, and not let the little things get in your way from taking the little actions necessary to reach your overall goal. I've had to change mine to be a little more vague to allow for possibly not having a W, but maintaining my vision for my family.
Of course a whole other tact is to use the journal to push her over the edge, and get her to move out, but then you are counting on her reaction, and that is always dangerous.
I would have to agree with what Timothy said. Right now is not the time. Just continue to be the best H you can be and try your best to leave her with a good taste in her mouth about you. This is the moment when you have to be at your best to really make her think about what she is doing. She will most likely only see the negative in the journal. Merrick I know how you feel, The death of your M is really coming true to you right now. Its very depressing, Ive been there, this is a really tough time you are going through but remember, you and your kids will be Ok. The way it things were wasnt working and you are doing what you think is best. Let her know how much of a mistake you think it is and you love her, this is the hardest thing you have ever had to do, you wish with every grain of your soul it could dbe different. Your honering her wish and hope she can find the peace within herself to come back.
Think of it as an oppertunity to give her some air to breath and get rid of the tension in her life. She most likely wont feel it because she is so consumed with guilt. This may help her to hit bottom with some luck.
You have tryed your best Merrick, we dont always get what we want. Its a most difficult road and I hope your W in the coming months will see the light. Im affraid thats what is most likely going to take for this to turn around. Time and distance and lots of patience to let her mend. Its your only hope. Its super hard especially when you get into the legal ramifications of it all. The attorneys will get the kettle really stired up. Be strong my freind, I know your heart is in this till the end, just take care of yourself and those kids will really be depending on you for support. Give them all the love you can. God Bless, eddy
W and I have had a few tiffs these past 10 days, but that's okay. Most of it has been related to me setting some boundaries about what I will and will not accept in the context of a separation and my W's brow-beating me on my lifelong behavior.
I continue to waver on moving out if only because it will be very hard to do so without getting lawyers very heavily involved. And I also continue to feel that I am being emotionally manipulated out of the house.
On that score, I bought a book on Friday called "Emotional Blackmail," about how to ID and combat these tactics. I started reading and actually saw how some of my behavior could be construed as such. In any event, I slept on the couch last night and left the book in the den. W saw it this morning and wanted to know if I bought if for my behavior or if I thought it was hers, becaus if that is waht I thought she was doing--I was dead wrong. Hmmmm. I said, "Both," but she was not happy.
On the lighter (or darker) side, some of you know my aversion to the number "666" and the way it has haunted me at times. On Thursday, I was supposed to give a witness talk at a Church group, and I wanted to talk about signs, including 666. While editing my talk on the subway, I decided it was already too long, so I decided to bag the signs and began reading the only other material I had on me--our local school budget. After tiring of reading the annual litany of reasons of why they had to increase spending, I put it aside, but then pulled it back out to see one number--the tax increase called for in the budget. That number should be obvious to you now--6.66%!!!! With that, I put the "signs" part back in my talk and now have a number of new folks in Church who desire bringing Holy Water to our next meeting.
Hiya Merrick, Glad to hear the encompassing of the Dark Side has waned in recent days.
Quote: I bought a book on Friday called "Emotional Blackmail," about how to ID and combat these tactics. I started reading and actually saw how some of my behavior could be construed as such.
New ground to DB on!
Familar with certain NY state School Boards, I can understand how they uptained that number for an increase! LOL!
Betsey 
