I plan to schedule a call with DB Coach Laurie to discuss.
I just learned this morning that W was out with OM (and others) the night of the attack. She claims this is the first time she "saw" him in a month. I can only surmise she continues to have strong feelings for an R with OM that has been fractured by others and not on her own terms. I guess this has a lot to do with what happened. let this be a lesson to those seeking to halt an A where WAS wants nothing to do with LBS.
Leaving may be a good idea, but accelerates a discussion of legal issues involving the kids--which can increase tension and confrontation. I have discussed W moving out, but she has defined her life as "ultimate" life-setter for kids--so moving out is a real non-starter for her.
I may have to take a new tack on counseling--not as an attempt to repair the M, but as an attempt to reconcile R issues as they relate to child-rearing. The other tack I might take is a serious discussion of our R--which seems anti-DBing, but is something I have not tried. It would not be a pressure DB, but a serious discussion of the world as I see it--and my hopes, dreams, aspirations. Unfortunately, I think this discussion would be helpful if a neutral C were there to channel it, but I would expect my W to interrupt and defend at every turn. Then again, I can start and back off if it is taking this course.
No answers for today, but a lot to think about--AFTER I DO SOME WORK!!!!
Quote: Leaving may be a good idea, but accelerates a discussion of legal issues involving the kids--which can increase tension and confrontation. I have discussed W moving out, but she has defined her life as "ultimate" life-setter for kids--so moving out is a real non-starter for her.
I understand this so much. I too had the hardest time deciding to leave vs. staying, in regards to the kids. But what I did in no way should reflect on what you should do.
Merrick, I will say it sounds as if you do have a plan, and that is good. We all worry about your well being.
And like I said on my thread, I will make it a point to get your email from Betsey.
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Merrick (((((((()))))))), just wanted to tell you that "turning the other cheek" was very courageous of you. In view of your religious traits, in my book, you certainly have been tested and will be rewarded by God.
I only hope that you don't need to suffer too much longer-mentally, physically or spiritually. Please be careful. Tootles.........
I'm well, but after a rough weekend. W's determination to separate and legal issues are beginning to bubble a lot more. I've got a lot of decisions to make--and really need a break from the board.
The harshest legal realization is that W's attorney will valuate my law degree (marital property in NY)in such a way as to leave me with no money if we separate or D. This is really a squeeze game where you can get any expert to put a price on the law degree to fit your legal needs.
In other words, if our house and property is valued at $250,000--they'll say the law degree is worth $250k--so she keeps all the property and I keep the value of my degree. Or they can value the degree more and say I owe her more cash. Or they can use the cash from the degree in lieu of higher spousal support and avoid taxes.
In short, they can do whatever they want to achieve their desired objective. I can hire my own actuary at $3,000 and litigate the dispute among experts. Basically, a lose-lose proposition.
I have a session with Laurie later this week and I'll take it from there. Thanks again.
My S9 is affected the most by my bad R with W. His acting out seems to always play against the inconsistency between W's lack of discipline and my attempts at structure. He appreciates the consistency of discipline.
Of course that is my perspective looking back at the last 6 months of trouble with him, and my interpretation of why he would be acting the way he does, but our sitch seems the same as yours, I'll discipline, he'll throw a fit, W will either do nothing or give in, I'll be the bad guy, next day S9 and I are still best pals.
KOFTGF. Merrick, you are the head of your family. God has given you that responsibility, and the devil is testing your resolve to see this through. Everyone here is absolutely right that you do not need to take W's abuse....But since you are, and with God's help you can continue to, this is all evidence of God's grace.
1)From your 4/24 post: "my acceptance of Christ and His compassion has done more for me as caring human being in three months than I accumulated in a lifetime of selective compassion. Even if my M fails--I will have achieved a victory in life." 2)You turned the other cheek while W was hitting you. How long ago was it you almost "ran her over" with the car? pretty radical change in the way you are handling sitches with W.
God doesn't make something without expecting it to be used. IMHO I think the Devil is pissed he's lost you, and is doing his best to keep at you through W's actions. God in his infinite wisdom is allowing his gift of compassion to you be used - and tested - to see how strong you've been able to make it. The devil's only hope now is to minimize your spiritual growth. I recommend C.S. Lewis's book "Screwtape Letters". It's not really that long and is an interesting discourse on the influence demons want to have on our lives.
BTW, I really like your metaphor of the tundra and creating just enough heat to start a thaw. If you've ever had or been close to frost bite you know it hurts the worst when it starts thawing - I think W is starting to thaw, and it is hurting her.
When you are hurt, don't do what comes naturally, do what comes supernaturally. W is doing what comes naturally. Merrick, keep doing what comes supernaturally. The devil has lost, and is doing whatever he can to make you think otherwise (the three sixes, etc.).
As always, thanks friends. Right now though, my focus is DB Coach Laurie.
Laurie, if you're out there, these are the questions I want to ponder tomorrow on our call:
1) Is it finally time to go or do I feed the beast? If I stay, is an informal in-house separation agreement best given that W won't pursue structured counseling?
W has said explcitly that she feels trapped in the M and that my continued presence exacerbates that feeling. She says we can have a better R and kids will be better if I leave. Is it my job to go and relieve the stress or hers? Or does staying ultimately force her to MAKE HER decide to stay or go? And what about the recent violence from her?
2) How do you analyse the impact of staying on our kids and whether we should pursue C for them individually or as a family if W will agree?
3) Should I commence a new financial regime, i.e, we split liquid assets and set rigid monthly budget? Right now it's all one pot and we go with the flow. Does that sound vindictive or realistic?
4) Should I pursue all or nothing C with W. That is, get her to commit to an eight-week program and we'll decide what to do at the end of that time before I make any other mjaor decision?
Other than that--all is well. A friend is in from out of town so dinner and drinks time.
First, my apologies to private e-mail friends who have read this already.
I spoke with DB Coach Laurie and after a good deal of discussion of various tactics, the bottom line was that if I wanted to keep the R, staying at home clearly was not working given that W is so focussed on me as everything wrong in our lives. We concluded that I should begin the process mentally as well as legally of negotiating my withdrawal on the most favorable terms. If there is progress in the interim, bank it and take it from there. Unfortunately, she saw the sitch as very destructive and even dangerous right now and sensed that I was being beaten down. She also thought I should pursue counseling on how we handle the children in this sitch--and this would be an opportunity for W to begin hearing different opinions from a third party validating my approach to child rearing.
As for my feelings, the process of truly letting go begins. I may talk with my priest about this, but if I say I believe, then I should act like it. And I do believe. Just a few weeks ago I was coming to peace with this, but the financial prospects of what lie ahead sobered me up a bit--given that marriage is very much an economic arrangement on top of an emotional one.
What stinks now is that i just need to be alone and have a big cry and let all this emotion out of me--but I don't have that luxury right now. Laurie said that I needed to be careful about bitterness and that I should hold my head up knowing that I've tried everything possible and gave it my best shot. And she still does believe in miracles! Laurie also noted that this is not a matter of giving up as much as it a matter of defining my goals. If I just want to stay in the house and be a father--she'll help me. But if my goal is to continue an R with W --the status quo has offered little to suggest it is going to get us there.
Even if I pursue a separation, a lot of outstanding issues remain. Asking for joint custody and security financially is not unreasonable to put on the table--in an open and friendly manner. DBing actions also must continue. If I'm ever to get W back, she cannot fear me and I must be a positive mirror to her. I certainly cannot be the enemy. So, I'm not going home tonight and saying I'm leaving or demanding a discussion on this. Nor will I commence a financial war and force her hand. But the next time she pursues, I will not walk away and will begin entertaining our next steps. And for Mother's day--I'll get her an expensive bottle of red wine specifically for her to take to the beach while she and the kids are away to sip on at the end of one of her tough days.
