Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers At it again after 14 years

Another miserable night. Went to bed that seems to be the time I feel the most anxious. When W got home she gave me a long hug and peck on the lips. However, throughout the day I don't hear a peep, no text or calls nothing. I of course took the hug and the peck on the lips and set it aside as a nice gesture. But I didn't engage and start asking about her trip other then did she have a nice time. I didn't talk about our relationship. I just continued doing stuff around the house and made casual small talk. Had a nice dinner, and nice evening. But kids go to bed and she sitting there and I hate to say this but I think she was pretending to dose off. I said ready for bed, and she indicated she was. We crawled into bed and said our obligatory good nights. After about 15 minutes I asked if she was asleep because I wanted to tell her I wasn't tired and was going to go read for awhile but she didn't answer so I left the room and read for about an hour and half. I went back to bed. Struggled to get any sleep. Got up a little after 5:30 and went and walked on the treadmill till it was time to get the kids up for school. I acted "As If" everything was fine. No mention of our night and my struggles to sleep. No R talk, just do my chores and keep my mouth shut. Friendly though. Good morning, and casual talk about shopping list and getting puppy up to vet to get fixed and so on but staying cool. Last night I prayed and told God it's in His hands now. PMA and GAL

Ah yes. Those are called "covert contracts", basically you do something with an expectation of a return that no one else knows anything about. Then when the terms of your internal contract aren't met you go dark on them or lash out in unexpected ways. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? You should, it dovetails well with DB'ing and will help you do 180's on your harmful behavior. By the way the title is not what it sounds like, "Nice Guys" appear nice but are very passive/aggressive in their personal relationships and the idea is to help you quit those bad behaviors.



Yes indeed. Most men are "fixers" so when our W comes to us with a problem we want to tell them all about it and how to fix it. But all they want is for us to LISTEN and VALIDATE.



That's normal. She thinks they are tricks to get her back. Show her CONSISTENT changed behavior over TIME and she will start to believe it.



Probably, but it's the right thing to do. Just tell her you didn't realize you were doing some of the things you were doing, and didn't know how much it was hurting others and you are committed to being a better person no matter what happens between the two of you.

I just got the book you mentioned. OMG that's me. WOW. I have recolonized my manipulative behaviors and shared that with my wife back in April, when she admitted to me she was struggling and even planned on moving out. When I admitted to this she was like wow, in finally he sees it. I had no idea though how deep this Mr. Nice Guy syndrome is and I have a lot of work to do.

Spoke to my wife this morning about incident involving my daughter and her perception that I didn't handle it correctly. I explained the details and then told her I don't appreciate the lack of grace and understanding I deserve for situations that arise suddenly and unexpectedly . That I'm the one that was considered at fault for a misunderstanding when it was my D17 who failed to communicate with me what she needed or wanted.She seemed to understand. I reiterated some of my concerns about how things are handled in our marriage and how they need to improve, not blaming or criticizing her, telling her these are things I need to do for myself. In the end it was a nice conversation. We seem at this point to be on a track of trying to put our marriage on the right track. I do know this, I still need to continue to detach not expect miracles and to back off a bit and give her space whether she knows it or not. I'm reading this book "No More Mister Nice Guy" wow I have to say I definitely fit this bill. I have a lot of work ahead of me to improve myself for sure. PMA and GAL.

Had a nice day and evening with family. Getting travel trailer ready for a weekend camping trip. Watched a movie last night. got up at 5:30 this morning and walked on the treadmill. PMA and GAL

Had another nice evening with family. Wife seems much more relaxed. We are going camping tonight and tomorrow night.

Went camping with the family this weekend. Had a good time. Had one episode when moving the trailer that wife came unhinged. I in my soft voice asked why she was so mad? She said she told me to stop. I said I couldn't see her she said then why did you move. I didn't say anything went on with getting the trailer moved. Later she apologized. When I brought it up later she said not to go there to avoid an argument. I let it be, enjoyed the evening. Next morning was beautiful we stayed till early afternoon then packed up and went home. Since I had to work the night shift she told me to stay in bed and get some sleep. I slept till just after the kids got off to school then got up and had some coffee. Kept our conversation light no R talk. She went to work and relaxed for the rest of the morning and early afternoon before going to work. No calls no texts. Had a nice dinner. She takes off tomorrow to help her mom with a medical appointment and will be away for about 24 hours. This is good, I hope it helps her relax a bit. Working on detaching, GAL and PMA.

Things are going along W is always super nice, always has a smile on her face tells me she loves me before getting off the phone or leaving. Nothing to physical we have made love a couple of times this month. But no intimacy no I really do love you moments. So today I was looking at the browsing history for Amazon and see she is looking at a book called To Good To Leave To Bad to Stay. A book that is designed to help you decide if whether or not you should stay in a R. Wow. I've always hoped she would look at books to try an fix our marriage but not a book to help her decide to stay or go. I found the book somewhere else and I'm reviewing it so see if I need to read it or not. Who knows maybe it will help me decide if I should stay or go LOL. GAL and PMA.

Yesterday I had a date with the wife to drive 2 hours out of town to pick up a present for our 21-year-old son, have a dinner date with friends of ours and then drive home. A couple of days ago I discovered she was looking at a book called To Good to Leave To Bad to Stay. No indication she purchased the book but I did and started reading it. I wonder if the author will discuss the other person in the relationship when diagnosing whether they should stay or go. Here I am in limbo while the wife decides the fate of our marriage. I'm the one under the spotlight being criticized for any possible infractions she deems worthy of questioning our marriage together. I keep hearing that song in my head "Should I stay or Should I Go".

The trip up was fine, beautiful fall day. Colors where spectacular. I fought the entire way to not say or bring up anything about our R. Once there we met with our friends. I had been talking with my friend about this since it started so I let him know that W is still very much on the fence about our marriage. W was great happy go lucky talking like everything is great. Dinner was very nice when she got up to go the bathroom both our friends leaned in offered words of advice and comfort and said from their point of view everything looks fine. W was holding my hand at one point she was rubbing my back. A physical touch she hasn't offered up in a long while. So, you would expect on the ride home that I would you know latch on to that crumb of hope and bring up the R. Well no, I did not. I again fought hard with myself and kept my fat mouth shut, just enjoy the ride and this time we have together because I don't know how many more of these we will have. Also, remember this, you can't do anything to make them stay but you can help them make the decision to leave. I truly believe that if I had brought up our relationship last night she would have felt pressured and felt I sabotaged the evening.

We crawled into bed. That physical touch I enjoyed during dinner wasn't there for our bedtime. She did say she had a good time and I agreed. She said she loved me. After laying there for a while I got up and left the bedroom and read for a while. Got up this morning and got ready and left for work. I know she was awake but she didn't say goodbye.

Again, try to avoid reading meaning into everything she says and does. And everything she doesn't say or do. It will only make it harder for you to detach, 180, and GAL.