Okay, this is strictly my take on things, so tell me to go jump in a lake if you want.
I don't know if your H is a porn addict or not; however, it seems that it was an issue for your marriage at one time and you made it clear that he needed to stop. For whatever reason, you decided that he could look at porn again.
I see some things here that cause me concern. Number one, the fact that one spouse 'gives permission' to another to do anything indicates some serious emotional fusion. Two, why would you tell an alcoholic, or someone who has a bit of a time controlling their alcohol intake, that it's okay now to continue drinking? Your H may not be an addict, but he does have a problem, and it seems to me it is causing difficulty in your marriage. YOU have to lay down rules... and if he can't abide by them, you will either get mad, or he's going to start sneaking. This sounds really, really, 'off' to me. The way the dynamics of this has been set up will guarentee that you ALWAYS lose.
The fact that he can't 'finish' with you indicates to me that there is some serious 'emotional distance' between the two of you when you are ML. Why? What is at the bottom of that?
I don't think lack of sex is the problem in your marriage. I think your H (and possibly you) have some issues below the surface that are poisoning your relationship. (Let me say, everyone has issues, so if that is sounding negative, I don't mean it to). The point is, my overwhelming reaction to your posts is to haul ass to a MC and pronto.
If your H won't go, go yourself. I think there are serious boundary issues here that can be fixed, and I think your H is in deep denial of the role his emotional fears/fusion issues are having on your R.
If he doesn't have the strength to stop it himself, fine. You're going to have to. Is that fair? No. It sucks. It's yet one more thing to add to your plate. But girl, if you don't take some serious action, you will continue this downward spiral into helplessness and depression.
You CANNOT change your H. But you can seriously change the way you do business in that R, and I think you've let things slide long enough. Would you ever, ever, EVER stand by and watch your children to be bullied or manipulated, no matter how innocent it seemd on the surface? He!! no you wouldn't. And it's because you love them.
The kind of love you have for your children is what you deserve to have, and to give, to yourself. NO ONE can do this for you but you.
It's time to make a choice. The only way your children will learn self-love and self-respect is through the excellent example you yourself set for them.
Quote: I keep thinking that he's not really LD...just LD under the current situation between you two.
Hey DBR...I agree! I think he has become so deathly afraid of "real" sex that he just avoids it altogether. Which is why the porn turned into such a problem in the past - another avoidance technique. By giving him back the "gift" I am hoping, as you suggested, to validate his sexuality a little more rather than always seeming so critical about what works for him (even if I don't completely understand it myself).
Hi Corri...I agree with SO much of what you said. The issues are so complex, and (obviously) it is impossible to share all the history and details. With regard to the porn issue, a lot of the issue was mine and a lot of it was his. By "giving him permission" to use porn I was basically taking AWAY the power/control I had put on porn when I gave him the "porn or divorce" ultimatum a couple of years ago. In essence, to relinquish that control I took over porn I had to give it back to him in some way. And I agree, now more than ever, that my pattern of rules-making and his/my responses were becoming very destructive on our M. I'm trying like he!! to get out of that pattern, but H is still understandably dubious of my progress.
(On a side note about the porn, I don't know if he had a porn addiction problem either. My giving him the "re-gift of porn" - if you will - is not so much about the porn but about saying "I trust you" and "I have faith we can find a sexual balance that works for both of us." My H is a pretty smart guy, and I do trust him to recognize if porn becomes an issue for him again. I am taking deep breaths as I write this!)
His "finishing" issue is one we struggled with early in our relationship, and YES I agree has definite emotional/intimacy connections. He went from NEVER being able to finish with me to where now he finishes almost every time - it is HUGE progress for him, and I find that it is definitely connected to the emotional/intimacy issues. Sex between us used to be purely physical, and at the end I (and he, I learned later) would long for that intimate emotional connection. To make a long story short, things have slowly gotten better and a lot of that is H becoming more confident in his "prowess" as a man. I don't know that I've mentioned it here before, but he once had a GF who told him terrible things about his lovemaking style, his size, etc., and that stuff still haunts him.
As for MC, well yes, I agree again. I just feel so burned by our previous C experience a few years ago. We went to three counselors. The first was a woman who blamed H for everything - after 2 sessions and just feeling attacked he refused to go back (and I didn't blame him). The second was a man who didn't think we had any problems, said that I was uptight about porn, and had a "slap and tickle" type relationship with H where *I* felt put on the spot at every session. We went to him for a few months. The third was a couple of years ago after we became Christians - he was a "Christian counselor" who thought if we just read the bible everything would be fine. Ya right!
So I'm leery of counselors. And in a town this size, there aren't many left. I would like to try to see if we can slog through this with the books and our slow progress. I know H would go to MC if I wanted to (and vice versa) as it was an agreement we had before M. We might just end up there again.
As for ME and my responses...you are so right and I am just beginning to truly see, with the help of SSM, PM, and this board, how I need to make some serious changes within myself and not even worry about the changes H is making (or not). Yesterday, my MIL gave me a little mini-book from 1967 called "Your Reactions are Showing" - she had picked it up at a garage sale. I devoured the thing in an hour. It is an AMAZING book! Talks about how it's not your ACTIONS that define you as a person, but your REACTIONS as they show what's really on the inside. As I was reading it I kept saying, "I MUST go post that on the board. And this. And that too!" Then I realized we just need to scour the planet for extra copies and send them to the people here. I'm going to re-read it today and I hope to post a few tidbits. As an HD coming out of denial about my own part in this problem/process, the book has given me several "a-ha" moments.
Note: I just found out you can still buy the "Reactions" book - it is about $4-5 including shipping. It is a Christian book but it still has great info even if you aren't a religious person. I recommend it to anyone (HD or LD, man or woman) who is ready for a swift kick to the face about their OWN contributions to your SSM problems. Your Reactions Are Showing
