Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife wants to separate at end of school year # 2

I have been reading other threads similar to my sitch. I realize my 180 has been poor.

I have failed at not pursuing. I have shown too much interest in her day to day activities. I ask her what her plans are, offer to do things with and for her.

Unless I have a question pertaining to the boys, I will not ask her anything. If I go out or do something I will No longer ask if she wants to accompany me. She can tell me herself. The door will be unlocked but I will not open it for her so to speak.

All conversations will be initiated by her. Marriage related or otherwise. If she wants my input, she will ask. I wil "act as if".

It has finally sunken in and I WILL BECOME A BY THE BOOK DB'er. I will reach out to my DB community for support and guidance.

Remember not to act as if you are sulled, cold, or angry. You do that by protraying an upbeat attitude. You can still smile, speak, and show a neighbor type of friendliness........but let her lead with the conversations.

She may ask what is wrong and why you are acting this way. Be prepared with an answer.

I am so glad you see how the pursuing is backfiring.

If she does ask me what is wrong and why I am acting this way, and I reply and say "Nothing is wrong, I don't know how I will answer the 2nd part of the question of "Why am I acting this way?" Do I answer, "What way?" and go from there?

I am in a better place today. Living my life and will do so going forward. Worked out this morning, had a coffee with my best friend and back to work.

I have accepted an offer to go to a conference in Arizona next week for 3 days. The time away from the spouse will be good for both of us. I will admit that part of me was thinking about asking her to join me as there is a program available for spouses of conference attendees. If she wants to go she will ask. I will provide her the information to show her the itinerary.

I will only text her or call when I am away if she suggest I let her know I arrived safely. Otherwise I may just text her to inquire about the children.

Buddha all you have to say is I am reflecting and growing through a period of re-evaluation. Just giving myself space to think, thank you for asking.

Let yourself have space and time to start to grieve and reflect. The idea of the conference is appealing. And I think would be a welcome relief.

I would like you to consider that although some of the faults lie in your stars, your WAW has choices too.

Which of your choices in your M created the problems?

What are your plans for changing each one?

As always you can say no V and it's ok.

V

My wife complimented me on my attire today. I was surprised as i can't remember the last time she complimented me on anything.

I have been cordial and have been giving her space. Acting "as if" to the best of my ability. I remind myself "Don't ask and don't tell unless asked". This is the way I try not to initiate any conversation. We do have conversations and I am keeping my answers and statements short and to the point. Where I used to ask how her day went, she is now asking me. I answer in a positive tone and then carry on about my business. She seems more interested in what I do now.

We have a long way to go and I have not read too much into her seemingly taking a greater interest in me, it just leaves me with a better feeling on the inside. I am taking one day at a time. My demeanour is upbeat, my workouts are having a positive effect both inside and out.

I have an appointment to get laser treatment to help me become a non smoker. I started again after quitting for ten years. I can't be a better me if
I am ruining my health and lungs. To be a better me I must kick this habit for Good and seek another outlet to deal with stress. This is one of my short term goals.

Thanks to everyone for their continued support and guidance.

Buddha

Laser treatment for smoking- I am fascinated by the idea.

Becoming the best you can be and extreme self care meaning losing the weed, when you are ready.

V

Vanilla, thank you for your reply. The problems with my marriage started with my golf get always while my wife was at home with an infant and a toddler. Although I did ask her if she minded that I go, and she said she didn't mind, she felt
I was selfish and insensitive for going. I went three years in a row and not once did she say that she would prefer I not go. I was selfish but
I would not have gone had she requested me not to go.

I think the other choice I made was borrowing from our line of credit to help keep my business afloat. I did not discuss this with her. I did not want to admit my business was in trouble and I did not want to worry her. Thankfully, the money borrowed helped keep the business alive and all the obligations were met.

The lack of communication on both our parts is the main reason why we are where we are now. I know we are both to blame but my choices were outright bad. I do shoulder most of the game.

I am living my life but I am concerned that my GAL activities will be considered more of the same person my wife resents.

We do talk, I am very careful with my spending and the debt has been reduced substantially. No MR discussion at all. All future discussions will only take place if she initiates it.

She seems to be more interested In my day to day activities. She is asking more questions. Probably because I do not initiate conversation.

One day at a time.

She does seem more pleasant and smiles at me more often. I do not read anything into her pleasant demeanour I just hope she notices my efforts to be a better me. She has commented positively on my physical change, I just hope the inner changes have a positive reaction from her as well. Only time will tell.

OK

Questions....

Golf is absorbing (as are other hobbies, gaming, darts, football, motor rally, costume making, hiking, biking, running......

In order to be good and even exceptional requires dedication and time commitment.

It often isn't the time at the final competition that's the issue but the other stuff, hours doing x, y and z.

Young dads and mums may need to backburner these or share. The world is different. The career partner requires time with their partner and children. If they involve their hobby first in their life they will lose. They may win the tournament but they may lose big time in their R.

I am going to ask a more pertinent question than is she interested in you day.

Are you interested in hers?

Are you involved with your children's day?

Just asking you.

V

My simple view is be a dad and a H.

Be involved with your children and cease your solitary life, get involved.

So, my love what plans do you have to be a family man?

Please list for me 30 ways in which you could be more family orientated.

Think this is a tough challenge?

I once asked a poster to do 100, and he met the challenge.

V

I am interested in her day. I have to hold back so many times in initiating conversation because I am doing my best to do what is not natural for me. If I understand the divorce busting technique of not pursuing by asking too many questions, I want my wife to initiate conversation for a change. This is part of my 180.

You ask if I am a part of my children's day. To answer your question. Absolutely. I am the first person they see every morning. I wake them up, get them ready for school, prepare their lunches. I am usually home before my wife. I prepare their dinner most days, help them with their homework, drive them to all their sports, friend's houses, I coach their sports teams,

When they need me, I am there. When they don't need me I am there. I adjust my schedule to suit them. They call me first to ask permission for most activities such as a sleep over. I usually reply that I will discuss with their mother first. Since they were infants, I have been the one who picks them up at the end of the day.

I am proud of my boys and who they have become. The best job I have ever excelled at is being a father.

I have pretty much given up golf. In the last four years I am lucky to have played 10 times. Why? It takes too much time away from the most important thing in my life and that is family.

I made mistakes. My wife and I lacked communication. I see that. I know what needs to be changed and my transformation of family and spouse first has been ongoing since we were married. I needed my time away. I have been so consumed with being a good husband and father, that I gave up Having my own life. My life revolved around my family. I do not regret it it all.

I do know that I made mistakes. Choices were made without consulting my wife. Choices were made without asking for approval from my wife, and she told me she was ok with my decisions only to find out recently that If I cared, I would have not proceeded with my plans. I guess I have to be a friggin mind reader as well.

Looking back, I tried and I failed in her eyes. Damned if I do , damned if I don't.