Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Is there hope? I have a WW

Monday

Today I took the day off to spend with kids. I've been a little depressed the last couple of days. Its been great being with kids but still have that void. Detaching is very hard. I know I'm better than this. I've avoided contact with W for a few days now. I think shes back to work from a weeks vacation. I've been trying to stay busy and trying not to think about her.
I'm not sure how long it will take for her to recognize I'm not there anymore.
Anyways, I'm just biding my time and enjoying the kids until Wednesday. I hate the fact they have to leave me. That's when its difficult to get out GAL. For some reason I know this is totally out of my control. I keep telling myself that its going to take a lot of time and patience . This is where I struggle. I need to put my trust in God and the DB. Time will tell, right? Being single is not my cup of tea. If I knew the outcome, it would be way easier. I just need to get rid the fear!

All I really want is to get my family back to one unit! Is it possible?

I hear you buddy. But that is the anguish speaking from you. This is without a doubt a marathon, not a sprint. It will likely be months if not years before your situation turns around.

And one more thing. I hope you do not take this the wrong way. But the cold, hard reality is, that your M is over. As in gone the way of the dodo. You do have to accept this fact. That does not mean that reconciliation is not possible, but that would be a whole new relationship.

Now it is vital to relearn to be by yourself (well, not really, you do hove 4 kids). You have to learn to become self sufficient, not relying on your W for anything. With this self sufficiency comes self confidence. You will be fine even if your marriage is not restored. You will thrive even if you are just you with the kids. You will discover new superpowers within yourself (and I am not kidding here). You get to be super dad, the best dad in the universe. Prepare to amaze yourself. But you do kinda have to get your a$$ in gear.

Time to start your awesomeness...

vapo nailed it. You need to get awesome! She will either take notice or she won't. But who cares. Part of being awesome is that you are awesome no matter what she does.

Looking back on my sitch, I can see where getting awesome opened my WW's eyes.

First, I finally started letting her go. At one point I was even pushing her out the door. She had made a comment in MC about "when I think about staying it doesn't seem as bad, and when I think about leaving it doesn't seem as good". She said this in context of me being upbeat, pleasant, pleased with life. I no longer focused on her and the MR. I told her afterward: "if you are still framing staying in terms of level of bad, and leaving in terms of level of good, then I think that is your answer!" She immediately back pedaled from that. And then SHE said: "You have been being so awesome lately."

So first, I let go and moved on. Second, I became a present, upbeat, pleased happy guy. I also had some fortunate timing at work where I was named top achiever for 2017, which came with a huge bonus. I got a promotion which that along with top achiever came with huge raise (and we were already doing extremely well). I was GAL, working out, eating right, I started grooming better (at BD I had a full 4 month unkempt beard for hunting). I started dressing better. I started doing more around the house (for ME, not her). In short, I became awesome.

The first time after I became awesome when she opened up to me sexually, I was awesome there too! While i was concerned with her needs, I put my needs first (thanks to the book No More Mr. Nice Guy).I do not mean to brag but I think she saw a side of me there she hadn't seen in 21 years!

Be awesome. Not sure if anyone has suggested the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, but I highly encourage it along with the rest of the reading cadet suggests.

Hello everyone ..Vapo and Steve...thanks for the boost today!! It really helped me out. Getting out and being awesome went well today. I look forward to more days like this. Even if the W isn't around to see it, I still think its really helping me out a lot so when the day comes I won't know any better.

I have had me kids for over a week now...W texted and said her work schedule is crazy and asked if I could keep them until Friday morn. I didn't see the text for about 10 to 15 min so she called to discuss..lol..I wasn't holding back on the text on purpose..I was just busy with my awesomeness. I basically said that would be just fine to leave the kids.. and moved on. I was a little proud of myself. She may or may not sense that things are going just fine over here. Doesn't matter right now Right??


So I went and bought some clothes, nothing special just some shirts and shorts that look nice. I plan on wearing them when she picks kids up on Friday and be ready to be heading out at the same time..lol. Should be fun...Im actually going to call some friends and see if they want to do something. GAL is starting to show some improvements. I figure if I can get to the point of self reliance and being "Super Dad"as Vapo puts it...someday it won't matter what woman is in my life.

The stories you leave for me here on my thread and the comments you leave on other threads basically say the samething over and over, to GAL like crazy!! Some folks wait too long.

I need to check into the book No More Mr Nice Guy.

Today I started my awesomeness!! A$$ is in 2nd gear..working for 3rd.

Thanks again for sharing your stories and sending words of confidence my way..I owe you Big!

Wednesday Journal

Just another amazing day. Just staying positive and upbeat. People around me notice I am pulling myself out of the gulf of misery and endless wo. I think the more I obsessed over my struggles and heartbreak the more difficult it became.
Do I miss my W...hell yeah...but she absolutely does not miss me. She came and took kids school clothes shopping and just dropped them off. I didn't attempt to see her. She seems very committed in her new feelings and life style.

I'm 3 months since separation. If I can get another 2 to 3 months like the last 2 days...I will be golden..I hope I don't crash, it could happen. Like up coming hollidays. But i will weather the storm.
How long do you think until she starts sniffing? My oldest D said that she doesn't really remember what it was like when she lived here. If anything this has really brought me closer to my kids. My w D`s like hanging with their dad now.

I still have hope, just need to fix my broken self for now.

Lane

It is a mask on her side and a massive assumption on your side. Refrain from mind reading.



Well done. The lows will come, it is natural. Do not fear it. You will emerge victorious.



The changes are for YOU and not for HER. You have to be GENUINE. A woman can detect desperation and fake intentions from a mile away.

And you also probably know the proverb: A watched kettle never boils.

The fact of the matter is you have to forgo the anxiety and expectations. It is not a play book, where it says if you do this, this will happen.

And the last thought. It really is a marathon, not a sprint. If your W will decide to recommit to the marriage it will likely be months if not years.

Thanks Vapo
The marathon continues. W dropped kids off last night and no contact at all. Today I went to work and had another positive day. I was confident and talkative to everyone. I used to bring up my sitch more often to people who had gone through D. Its interesting how alot of people go through the same thing. Some recon. and some move on and are much happier and the WW is not doing so good. I also find I stay more positive if I dont bring it up at all. So I just stay up beat and busy. I still get that uneasy sick feeling in my stomach..just not as often.
I haven't seen or heard from WW for a while. I have slowly become a little bit more confident every day.
When I'm alone, I start questioning everything...lately its ...why am I wanting some one who is having an A. on me?
I justify my desires because of the kids and the history. But the M is dead!! So much to process for someone like.me.
Getting out and being awesome is what's been driving me this week. I hope it sticks...I feel myself slipping but then change my thinking as fast as I can. If anything, I've learned to control my thoughts. A person could literally think themselves to death or deep depression/despair. I will keep going for now. Time will tell! Keep a$$ in gear!

One other thing happened this evening. A friend of mine knows my sitch. He works at a restaurant. The OMs buddy went into that restaurant. My friend asked him how OM been doing. He said, '"well hes got this girl with all these health problems and she crazy!! He tries to break up with her and she cries and makes him feel all bad and guilty. So he cant shake her and doesn't know quite what to do. Shes af news"

First let me tell you how I truly feel, and is it normal? I think I am falling out of love with my W. I know I have my balls back. If she was to come back, I would probably...probably say "not going to happen"...is there stages to all this that you finally say I dont care? I mean I have 4 kids with her,.but the old W is dead. I'm not so sure I want to be with this person. Make sense? Maybe I'm just overreacting, but it seems she is bat shift crazy and OM is trying to get out and she is acting super desperate...I'm actually embarrassed for her and questioning my desires. What do you think? Did anyone else have similar experience or similar thoughts that I am having? Sorry typing from smartphone.

Yes, that is normal. It is normal to develop anger. Read up on the 6 stages of grief.



What we think is irrelevant. One thing is sure, that is that your W is hurting big time. She is in pain and depression. Be it as it may, but she is still the mother of your 4 kids. Again you veer into mind reading, this time not only your W's mind, but also OM's mind. Stop that. It is counter productive.



Yes, we all have.

L to echo vapo we have all felt the same way. Your w still knows your attached, it is something that they can sense. When you really start to pull away and really no longer care she will know, she will know it’s not an act or a trick.