Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW or WW? What should I do to save my MR.

Wyoung, taking your child away for a month sounds like a great idea. That'll give your wife a chance to cool down. Perhaps that alone will help to improve the situation. If you haven't done so already, a one-time really sincere, well-planned apology for everything you've done wrong couldn't hurt before you travel according to what I found, if it's done in the right way. Perhaps you've already done that. Otherwise you sound right in the sense that detaching may not be the best approach given your individual circumstances. If I were in your wife's shoes I'd see detachment as further confirmation that you're not going to change, but on the other hand, if she says she's done, being too affectionate or going overboard with actions to prove your love could push her away as well. Maybe she'll think you're doing that to serve your own interests. It seems you need to be supportive of whatever she says she needs and wants to do, although it's very hard to support your spouse saying they want to leave. Also if she's not happy being a mother that's very sad - it seems you yourself could see a therapist privately to figure out the best way to reduce the impact on your child and to get real-life guidance on how to avoid aggravating your wife further. I hope you also get lots of additional advice here on this thread. It would be great to hear how it turns out for you.

NicoleR, thank you for the advice. Indeed I have tried to apologize sincerely a couple of times, but she gave the classic "too late" response.

Things have been becoming warm a week ago since I controlled my emotions and try not to fall into R arguments with her for almost 2 months. I tried as much as I can to take care of the child so that she can have more space and time. She responded positively by cooking meals that I liked during the weekend, having dinner together with me and the child, and she even went out for a movie with me and the child. She knows that's the movie I've been wanting to go.

However, last weekend I made a very stupid mistake asking her if things are getting better between us. She immediately dismissed that idea and saying it was only peaceful because I stopped bugging her, but not better. Then I lost my cool and went on with the begging/crying crap. I kept asking why she is doing this and if there is an A involved. She said she doesn't know what is more there to explain other than she doesn't love me anymore. She denies any chance of A. That made things back to square one. Now she has become cold again. And when I said I won't bug her like that in the future, she doesn't trust me anymore. I need to earn that back. I think being away for a while does not only give her more space but also force me to control my emotions. Admittedly, I've always been the more emotional one between us.

She is cold to me, but she still talks to me. She sometimes talks about her work, and occasionally our past. What's puzzling is that although she loves our S deeply (she basically raised him up until now, I was involved but not even close to what she's done), she became a little distant from our S now. She hugs and kisses S, but doesn't spend much time with him now. And she gets easily irritated by him. Is there anything similar to postpartum depression going on?

I've been reading about the WW, Sandi2's rules, tough love, etc. But again I am not sure if any of those are applicable in my particular case. Any insights will be highly appreciated!

We all fell short in our duties as spouses or we wouldn't have ended up here to begin with. But, our spouses share in the blame as well. The problem is they don't see it that way, at least not at first. They want to heap ALL the blame on us. They will rewrite history and say things like "I never loved you", "we never should have gotten married", "I was never happy". It's all part of their defense mechanism to help them believe that what they are doing is right.

So what do you do, well you quit pushing her and pressuring her and talking about the R. Give her TIME and SPACE. That doesn't mean be cold and uncaring, it just means remove the pressure from her. Don't try to get her to sleep in the same bed, don't talk to her parents about the sitch, don't be all passive/aggressive to her. Read DR, read Sandi's rules, read all the links Cadet posted. Incorporate what you learn into your life and into your interactions with your W.

As you change your W will think they are tricks to get her back. She's got to see your changes CONSISTENTLY over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME before she will start believing they are real. So the key is doing 180's and doing them consistently over a long period of time, and eventually making them permanent.

Good luck and welcome to the forums!

Your English is great by the way, there's no problem understanding what you are writing.

OK well no need to keep apologizing, if you said it and it was sincere then that is enough regardless of her reaction.



Well you definitely blew it. You were making awesome progress and you pretty much set yourself back to square one. She is right, you removed the pressure from her so she didn't feel like she needed to be cold and defensive. But that doesn't mean she has changed her mind yet. You are missing the critical component- TIME. She needs TIME to believe that this "new you" is real. But you got impatient and you temperature checked her and now you're starting over again. That's OK, a lot of us made similar mistakes. Just learn from it and keep moving forward.



We all want answers but there are none. Who can explain why their emotions and feelings change. She doesn't know why, so how can she explain to you what she doesn't know herself. And by continuing to ask her about it you are just making her frustrated.



No that's a pretty normal reaction for a lot of WAS's. They are dreaming of a new life and their old H and sometimes their kids are perceived as hindrances to that. Don't try to force her to be a better mom, that will backfire. Again just give her time and space.

AnotherStander,

Thank you so much for the comments. They are very insightful and useful! I should learn better how to interact with my W now as her mind set is very different from what I used to know. I think I have been following my instincts too much on this matter rather than my rational part. I have been talking to IC to sort out my certain behaviors and patterns. I never did this before. Now I find it an effective way to look into the rear viewing mirror and evaluate myself. I realized the main obstacle in this battle is really myself. If I can successfully control my emotions, things will be much easier and would not have gone thus far.

IC suggests to earn W back by love. IC's point is that W's love tank has been empty, thus I should try my best to fill it. Not sure if this conflicts with the general DB approach here. The 180s and validations are consistent with IC's suggestion, but in order to "fill her love tank", I will inevitably be chasing. I guess it's not the time yet. W doesn't need my love for now, she needs time and space.

Tonight W brought up the repeated topic that we are bad parents again. She said we should've not gotten the child (because we are not good enough). This is her general attitude, passive and self blame. The new thing is she starts blaming now as well. I responded saying that the statement she made was not fair to our S, to me, and especially to herself, that she has been a wonderful mom (she truly was). She nodded and said she can't be (a good mom) anymore. She said we didn't balance well when our S arrived about our roles. I responded saying it's a learning process and we are improving.

You see the conversation was quite representitive of what she has been saying since the BD. She somehow believes she can no longer serve as a good mother, and is no longer suitable for family life. She wants to be single (or alone). She accuses me of being a bad father, but she accuses herself too. She clearly realize what she is doing is not good, and our R is out of norm. But she refuses or is unable to make change. Is this typical for WAW?

It sounds like she may possibly be suffering from depression as well. She might not even realize it or think it is not as bad as it is.

my IC told me she does have some obvious symptoms of depressions, especially her preference for loneliness and irritation about our S4. I mentioned to her that there are some warning signs. She admits that she might be depressed but she said, exactly as hongaku put, it's not as bad. So she refuses to get any help.

I will soon be away. Our anniversary is also coming up. I got a very nice jewelry gift for her but I don't plan to ask her out or anything special because I know she will immediately dismiss the idea and it will look like pursuing to her. I almost can predict what she will say if I mention it. Instead I will just leave the gift and a short letter to make her discover it when we are gone. Not sure if that sounds like a good idea.

No it is not. You will not get the response you are looking for at this time.

LH19, yeah I was not hoping to change her mind by one gift. But this is something she mentioned missing in the past. We took these special dates rather too casually.