Yeah. I kind of agree with you Terapin. Even when I was reading the book just post-BD I thought that a lot of it simply didn't apply to my sitch. The only parts that I felt helpful at the time were on LRT and the section on MLC (when I thought that was what my WAW was going through). Most of us on here are past the other parts of the book, and nowhere near the piecing section.
I think the realization that you have no control over whether or not the MR is saved is vital. Even if you do everything right, your WW is doing her own thing and has to want to come back and attempt to R. Some people say that you can let go of the rope, give up any control and yet still maintain hope. I struggle with that. I think hopelessness (about possible R, not about myself) is the key to detachment for me.
We all think DBing won't work in our sitch....and then we give a litany of reasons why. The biggest one, and the one I struggled with, is because I was absent in the MR for so long, detachment feels like more of the same.
The problem with this thinking is what is the alternative? Pursuit and pressure? Those definitely do not work. And as stated before this is because of a misunderstanding of what detachment is.
T's point is that it is for people that want to R. And right now he is past that because he discovered his W's EA after ordering the book. And now the book is talking about what you can do to try to save your MR, he isn't interested in that right now. However, as time goes on, your thinking on that might switch T. Due to SM and smartphones EAs are very common. Is it really an unforgivable violation or is the wound just too raw right now for you to objectively look at it and decide you still might want to save your MR.
Davide, I know you've struggled with the hope vs. detachment thing in the past. But it is like any thing else you do not have control over, and recognize you have no control over, but HOPE it works out. The best analogy I can think of is the few times I ordered something late for a Christmas present for someone. When I ordered I knew the probability was it would arrrive after Christmas. But my HOPE was it would get there in time. I had no control over it. There was no action I could take to make it happen.
DBing is like that. You have to, as you said, realize you have no CONTROL over your W or your MR's survival. That should cause you to realize that there is nothing you can do to save the MR. DBing is really about doing nothing along those lines. Detachment is the opposite of doing something to save it. 180s are so you become a better person for you. GAL keeps you busy so you aren't stewing on the sitch and being tempted to do things that thwart your DBing. But you can still have hope that it all works out.
If you are saying you have to convince yourself there is no hope so you don't do things that thwart your DB efforts then I say do whatever works. But by the very nature that you are here posting, and striving to DB means that deep down somewhere you have hope. Otherwise you'd be Ding and on the Surviving D board talking about what jerk you X is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Don�t give the book to your W T!. The book is for your own growth. She is not at the state of mind for reading that things. And the changes you are doing by applying DBing are going to be seen by her as imposted and not natural. Keep all of these things only for you: books and forum posts. Top secret material.
Thanks Nef. But again, the DR book, at least where I'm at in it, is all about positive stories of R, setting goals to achieve R, approaches to achieve the goals, etc. Like, it seems it's a perfect book for a couple to read together, or for that WAS to read. I know, or at least I think she's not at that point. And due to that, is it kinda pointless for me to be reading it, because detaching and following the book seem completely opposite techniques.
Maybe I should have ordered DB instead of DR? lol
The book advocates giving her time and space. That is detachment. Otherwise you are pressuring and pursuing. So how is that completely opposite techniques?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You might be right Steve, perhaps there is some hope, but if there is it is buried really deep and doesn't much affect me. I come to this forum because it is where I know people and people know me, and I have received a lot of support here, plus there is a lot more traffic here. Honestly, I have been feeling more resentment towards the W since I let go more, but I don't think I'll ever get to the place where I am bitching about what a jerk she is. I don't need that negativity in my life, and also other than dumping my arse, she hasn't really been a jerk.
I don't know that everyone needs to give up hope to detach. In my case I find that they go hand in hand.
(end of thread hijacking)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You might be right Steve, perhaps there is some hope, but if there is it is buried really deep and doesn't much affect me. I come to this forum because it is where I know people and people know me, and I have received a lot of support here, plus there is a lot more traffic here. Honestly, I have been feeling more resentment towards the W since I let go more, but I don't think I'll ever get to the place where I am bitching about what a jerk she is. I don't need that negativity in my life, and also other than dumping my arse, she hasn't really been a jerk.
I don't know that everyone needs to give up hope to detach. In my case I find that they go hand in hand.
(end of thread hijacking)
I don't view this as thread hijacking but helping T with is struggle about DBing vs. giving up and Ding her. Again, we all approach things differently, but I think you mentioned an interesting dynamic. "Honestly, I have been feeling more resentment towards the W since I let go more", this is the path to detaching. When the LBS realizes they are in the right and that they deserve better. Until then the LBS is usually assigning too much blame to themselves, and holding on to the WAS for dear life. So you are on your way Davide.
T, notice the above dynamic. Rather then rushing to file for D, which I fear is doing the dirty work for your WAW, I would strive for the attitude that you are in the right, and that you deserve better....and then start living like that. That is the secret sauce that wakes up some WAWs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You might be right Steve, perhaps there is some hope, but if there is it is buried really deep and doesn't much affect me. I come to this forum because it is where I know people and people know me, and I have received a lot of support here, plus there is a lot more traffic here. Honestly, I have been feeling more resentment towards the W since I let go more, but I don't think I'll ever get to the place where I am bitching about what a jerk she is. I don't need that negativity in my life, and also other than dumping my arse, she hasn't really been a jerk.
I don't know that everyone needs to give up hope to detach. In my case I find that they go hand in hand.
(end of thread hijacking)
I don't view this as thread hijacking but helping T with is struggle about DBing vs. giving up and Ding her. Again, we all approach things differently, but I think you mentioned an interesting dynamic. "Honestly, I have been feeling more resentment towards the W since I let go more", this is the path to detaching. When the LBS realizes they are in the right and that they deserve better. Until then the LBS is usually assigning too much blame to themselves, and holding on to the WAS for dear life. So you are on your way Davide.
T, notice the above dynamic. Rather then rushing to file for D, which I fear is doing the dirty work for your WAW, I would strive for the attitude that you are in the right, and that you deserve better....and then start living like that. That is the secret sauce that wakes up some WAWs.
Thanks Steve. No, I don't consider it hijacking my thread at all. It's all good and relevant info.
To answer your above question; no, I don't think what she did is unforgivable. And I know down deep on some level, I still want to save the MR. Emotionally I can't 'feel' those feelings right now, but logically I know they're still there, just buried.
In regards to the DR book, at least so far, it's all about steps to repair the MR. But if I want to do that, and she doesn't, then why set goals, take small steps, etc if ultimately that isn't really detaching? I guess that was my point. I can't set goals and work on approaches, if at the same time I should be not even thinking about it/her.
Anyway, she left with son this morning for a few days. The last few nights have been somewhat friendly I guess. She's been really 'nice', but I still think it's more to 'keep the peace' at home while we move forward with the D. That's fine. Still no R talk at all, which is odd since she has to be wondering if I filed yet. But she hasn't asked. I guess it's crazy to mind read her at this point. A few days away from each other will be nice.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
ut if I want to do that, and she doesn't, then why set goals, take small steps, etc if ultimately that isn't really detaching?
Because again detaching isn't disconnected. And I think that is where the confusion comes in. Detaching is about giving her time and space, but when she comes toward you being there. It is about removing pursuit and pressure, but not being absent, mean or unkind. Look. it is definitely more of an art than a science, no question about it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ut if I want to do that, and she doesn't, then why set goals, take small steps, etc if ultimately that isn't really detaching?
Because again detaching isn't disconnected. And I think that is where the confusion comes in. Detaching is about giving her time and space, but when she comes toward you being there. It is about removing pursuit and pressure, but not being absent, mean or unkind. Look. it is definitely more of an art than a science, no question about it.
I think i understand. I just think the book would be more beneficial to her, since i am/was convinced the MR could be fixed.
I do think at some point next week we'll be discussing some of this stuff. Itll be a month since BD.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Question, while wife is away, is it ok to text or call her just asking to speak to our son? And, if she texts stuff about what theyre doing, just simple, one-word replies?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
W texted just to say they made it there ok. I said 'good. if son wants to talk to me at all he can call.' he's usually too busy playing with his cousins to talk.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
If you want to talk to your S then yes text her to talk to him. But keep it about him. Only answer texts that need responses and with as few words as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
