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T you are completely right. But the value of reading it is that MWD has a very good way of explaining the what and the how. But even the why!

So read it. Even if you don't want to save your M it will give you great edification for your next relationship. Remember, loving detachment is actually a very healthy way to be in relationships. Over attachment leads to neediness and smothering.

Yeah. I kind of agree with you Terapin. Even when I was reading the book just post-BD I thought that a lot of it simply didn't apply to my sitch. The only parts that I felt helpful at the time were on LRT and the section on MLC (when I thought that was what my WAW was going through). Most of us on here are past the other parts of the book, and nowhere near the piecing section.

I think the realization that you have no control over whether or not the MR is saved is vital. Even if you do everything right, your WW is doing her own thing and has to want to come back and attempt to R. Some people say that you can let go of the rope, give up any control and yet still maintain hope. I struggle with that. I think hopelessness (about possible R, not about myself) is the key to detachment for me.

Also, you are right. If our WASs would read it it would be so helpful! But they probably wouldn't.

My w probably would read it. She is a family and marriage therapist, so she'd probably be intrrested on a professional level. Maybe, if i decide to try working on us, the book will be the final 'hail mary' i throw up?

Terapin, I'm a bit late joining your thread but I really hope your wife will turn herself around. It sounds like you two had a good life together. That's odd she's a therapist herself and yet she's willing to leave her own marriage. I hope your DB techniques help and she realizes what she's doing before you're too far gone because it sounds like you won't be around forever!

Correction: "Won't be waiting around forever!"

Don´t give the book to your W T!. The book is for your own growth. She is not at the state of mind for reading that things. And the changes you are doing by applying DBing are going to be seen by her as imposted and not natural. Keep all of these things only for you: books and forum posts. Top secret material.

Hi Nicole. Thanks for the kind words.

Yeah, everything about this sitch is hard to figure out. I do recall her saying a few times in the past when we'd have issues things like 'just because i'm a therapist doesn't mean I have all the answers when it comes to me/us'. Or she'd say like 'assessing someone else's sitch is totally different than my own'. I don't know why that is, but I guess I can understand it.

I also think, since she just got her degree a few years ago, that she maybe scribes to this 'new wave' therapy. I shouldn't even say 'therapy', but just the current culture of 'do whatever makes you happy right at this moment, and don't worry too much about any consequences'. lol. Maybe not that severe, but a few weeks ago when she said we're 'too far gone', I asked her: 'if a woman in your exact situation came to you for therapy/counseling, would you recommend she immediately divorce, or explore more options to work on the M". Her reply was: "i wouldn't recommend anything. I'd help her explore her feelings to find happiness."

Thanks Nef. But again, the DR book, at least where I'm at in it, is all about positive stories of R, setting goals to achieve R, approaches to achieve the goals, etc. Like, it seems it's a perfect book for a couple to read together, or for that WAS to read. I know, or at least I think she's not at that point. And due to that, is it kinda pointless for me to be reading it, because detaching and following the book seem completely opposite techniques.

Maybe I should have ordered DB instead of DR? lol

Hi T, it´s about states of mind. Most WW´s minds are hard to deal with...I had/(have?) one over my shoulders.

Maybe DB is the right one for you.

Just keep moving T!