Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW or WW? What should I do to save my MR.

Wyoung, are you still with us? Hope you will post soon.

Thank you Sandi, for checking up on me.

I've just got back from my trip with my son. Things actually got worse when we returned. W seems more determined that she will leave me. She set up a timeline that she will move out in 8 months and get divorced in next summer. It was hell to me last week, I was in a really depressed mood and in my tears all day along (only when W and S4 are alway). I don't know when this will end and I really miss her so much, although we see each other every day and we stay under the same roof. W said she really enjoyed the alone time.

Last Friday, when we had lunch together, she mentioned again about the timeline. I responded by saying no matter what happens in the future, we should try to live happily now and give as much love as we can for our S. This was a good 180 for me, I would've begged and pleaded before. However, it still hurt really bad. I ended up really depressed in the afternoon. However, when we all return home, I tried to be as positive as I can. She was nice in that evening to me and S4. So basically I haven't been able to detach because my emotions clearly get affected W easily. However, I started acting detached at least and held the impulse to beg and plea.

The weekend was nice. We went for lunch together with S4 on Saturday, and had a really nice time. What's more important is that she repeated to me multiple times before that it was the last time we go out together. However, we still go out together. This confirms the idea that "don't believe what she says." Then I should not take what she said about moving out and eventually get divorced too seriously. Or at least I should believe that her mind is changing all the time. Overall, she is calmer than before and is willing to spend more time with our S4.

One thing strange is that she brought up the topic of having a second child. Couple of months before the BD, W was trying to convince me to have a second child with her. I at the time was a little resistant to the idea. But now when we visit our friends with the second child (a baby girl), she would bring up the topic, except she keeps telling me that I should find someone to have a second child before it's too late (that is before I am getting old). When I respond that I would only do that with her, she would say she will never do it, and that she was stupid before but now awakened. She stresses about how much work a second child would add and how the health condition of those mothers have gotten worse. I felt it's like her bio clock is ticking (she had the idea that we should have all our children before 30s, now we are 31), and she is projecting that pressure to me now.

It is good to hear from you. I'm sorry things have not improved.



Remember the rule about not believing everything she says? This is the time to apply it. I'll share a secret with you about W's who are thinking about leaving her M. Sometimes she will say discouraging things, so that the H won't get hopeful that she has changed her mind. I realize it doesn't sound logically, but that is the frame of mind she is in currently.

It is okay to miss her. It is okay to love her. It is okay to feel saddened that your W wants a D. You can feel however you want, just as long as you don't act on it. This is a very difficult time for you. It's really good that you don't cry in front of your W and child. You have stopped begging her to reconsider, and that is great improvement in you.



Good job!



Yes, I'm sure she didn't want you to misinterpret the nice weekend to mean she has changed her mind about D.



If you never listen to another word I say, please hear me now. Do not have another child, thinking it will save your M. It is hard enough, when the M is happy. Bringing a child into a M that is unhappy, will not fix the problem. I don't get a good feeling when a woman starts talking about wanting a divorce one day and having a baby the next. My advice is not to show reaction at this time.

Sandi, thanks so much for the response.




you are exactly right on this. She is like almost reminding herself that she is leaving me. She would bring it up very briefly when the context applies. But I guess it is logical that she doesn't want to give me hope since she is thinking about leaving.




She is not suggesting to have a baby herself. She is suggesting me to find another wife so that I can have another child.... wired, right?

W keeps refusing to attend any activities together with me and S4. She'd rather prefer staying home watching some soap TV shows. However, she keeps sending me potential activities that I could bring S4 to attend. For example, she sent me a link about a puppet show. I then told her I booked the tickets for all 3 of us. She responded saying she will not go. It seems she wants S4 to be well cared, but she is not willing to do it herself. She wants is to be left alone.

Should I just stop asking her? I still ask her to join us because we actually had good times we three go out, and those are great opportunities to showcase my 180s and to reconnect with her emotionally. But she did tell me that she dislikes me now, thus doesn't want to go out with me.

I know I am still pursuing her. I've read the "distancing and chasing". But my wife has always been a very passive girl. She would never chase anyone. I worry that if I stop attempting to reconnect, we will drift further apart.

You need to stop asking her dude. Pursuing someone who tells you they don't like you makes you a person of low value in their eyes.

Your making up excuses to chase her based on your fear of losing her. It's called the "illusion of action" you feel like you need to do something to re-attract her. This NEVER works! Ever!

Time, space and positive actions on your part are the only way these things turn around.

LH19,
Thank you for the advice. Yes indeed, I do sense the "illusion of action" out of myself. It's just that my sitch has been 8 months now. The situation keeps getting worse. I slowly feel I am actually going to lose my family. When it just started, things are not that bad. We are getting along just fine. When I review the entire process, indeed whenever I lose my cool in front of her, things get a little bit worse and she gets colder. The colder she gets, the more desperate I am and the more I pursue. I am trapped in this cycle. It's so hard to break it out. I can't even focus on my work now, which will really cost me in the long run. I am very well aware of that, but I just can't get my mind off my sitch. I am pathetic.

You're NOT pathetic. Don't attack yourself like that. It's hard to not think about the sitch. I think most of us here understand that completely. You recognize the cycle you're trapped in - use mindfulness and stop the cycle. Stop pursuit. Don't initiate conversation with her unless it's necessary to do so for a practical reason. If she initiates wth you, understand that she may consciously or subconsciously attempt to get you to lose your cool - don't take the bait. Validate her feelings where you can, agree with her where you can, but don't openly disagree with her feelings, argue or plead with her. Stop inviting her to things. If you've already given her an open general invitation to join you and your son for any activities, then she'll take you up on it when she wants to. But don't invite her each time you do something with your son.

Essentially, pretend she doesn't exist to a certain extent - again, she only exists when you must speak to her for some practical reason or she engages you. Focus on your son and your own stuff right now. No, you're not going to suddenly stop thinking about your sitch, but you can deal with it and you can get through it. Tell yourself that you can. Tell yourself that you can only control what you can control, and her feelings are not something you can control. Let her deal with herself right now. You just try and throw yourself into being the best you that you can be and the best father you can be. She will eventually come around or she won't, but there's nothing you can do about it at the moment. Some days are going to be harder than others, that's okay. When things are going well for you otherwise, regardless of the sitch with your W, take the time to absorb that good feeling or experience in. Make a small mental note each time you have a moment or experience of pleasure. Be present for your son - he needs his dad right now more than ever since your W has become a bit detached as a mother in many ways.

Also, and this is really important, you NEED to get at least one or two male friends to spend some time with without your son or wife there. Hire a babysitter if needed if you can't rely on your W to be able to care for your son during those times when you are out doing something for YOU. At least join a group or club, a gym, or yoga, martial arts, etc. Something that you can do by yourself in a social or semi-social setting at least a couple of times a week. You've got to take care of your own self-fulfillment, too. It's important for your mental, physical and spiritual health.

yes stop asking her.

Even if is he is passive that doesn't mean she will not recoil from pursuit and pressure. Even if she won't be the chaser, she likely will run as the chasee. Do do not chase her.

We all worry about this. But what is the alternative? To drive her away faster by chasing and pursuing? See the dilemma.

People have a tendency to MAKE what they fear most. You fear drifting further apart. Which may happen no matter what. But it WILL happen if you pursue and pressure her. So what happens is most LBSs fear this, so they pursue and pressure, and then when they end up further apart faster than if they just stopped trying to reconnect. So don't make your worst fear come true. It doesn't guarantee it won't anyway, but you can't stop it by pursuing and can only make it happen faster.

Thanks a lot hongaku and Steve85. I got to stop asking her out with us. I can sometimes stop thinking about it for a moment, but then I fall back. It's almost like I subconsciously got addicted to it. Indeed I made what I fear the most. When she was still close to me, I kept pushing her in the hope we would return to normal, but instead, she stepped back. At the time, I thought I couldn't accept the fact that she is sleeping in a different bedroom with me. But now, I comprised to only not get divorced. I am losing my ground step by step.

One thing I realized is that my wife is actually detaching from me. How she behaves is very similar to what detachment prescribes. She only talks to me about practical matters. She rarely initiates contact. She doesn't talk about MR. She is treating me like a friendly cashier.... What's the best response to this? Detach myself?