Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Clean Slate Pt. 1 (Advice on my Scenario Pt. 23)

Ok, that's her. You know what she's about, so you shouldn't be victim. You have control now with awareness. How much she affects you is now up to you.

Responsibility time.

When the Narcissist Is Nice: What It May or May Not Mean and How to Handle It

Narcissists are fiercely calculating and capable of vicious manipulation that nonnarcissists, or “nons,” would never dream of let alone act on. It takes someone intimately familiar with a narcissist to understand the extraordinary harm they are capable of on a day-to-day basis. Even those closest to the narcissist—her spouse and children—are typically so loyal, so entangled in her emotional barbed wire, and so disbelieving that someone supposed to love them is capable of such cruelty that they have difficulty recognizing and acknowledging the abuse that defines their lives.
As someone with a personality disorder, the narcissist suffers from problems that shape his beliefs and behavior in extremely distorted ways, making him profoundly self-centered. Narcissism is characterized by a lack of empathy and ruthless self-promotion. And yet there are times when the narcissist is nice.
When the Narcissist Is Nice: False Versus Genuine?
So where does “nice” fit into the picture of the narcissist?
Those close to the narcissist are well-versed in her wide range of controlling tactics. Narcissists are notorious for idealizing a love interest, “golden child,” or even friend, charming and drawing them in with excessive displays of admiration and attentiveness, prematurely shared intimacies, and grand promises. The idealization phase typically turns to devaluation once the narcissist’s seduction succeeds or if she finds a better source of “narcissistic supply.” Hoovering (drawing someone back in) old sources of supply, too, is often short-lived because the narcissist drops her veneer of charm once the person is back in the fold or is replaced by someone “better.”

But the truth is that although people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a crippling mental condition, they are still people who in some cases experience moments of clarity that can include varying degrees of self-awareness and caring for others. Like the rest of us, narcissists exist on a personality continuum, ebbing and flowing through their lives. In his most secure, insightful moments, the narcissist may step beyond his defenses, see things outside of his immediate perspective, and attempt to genuinely reach out and/or make amends.
For example, the narcissist might, perhaps for the first time,
• tell her child she is proud of them;
• admit that she should have been less self-involved as a mother;
• admit to her spouse they were right about something they previously fought about;
• agree to family or marriage counseling;
• show spontaneous affection;
• express concern for a friend;
• acknowledge an adult child’s accomplishments or success; or
• tell her spouse that they are a good partner or parent.

To Trust or Not to Trust When the Narcissist Is Nice
That is the question!
The problem with the narcissist’s “nice” overtures is that they can be difficult, even impossible to discern from his manipulations. The recipients of a narcissist’s apparent kindness, particularly if they have known him for a while, will be rightfully confused by the turnabout. They will wonder if the gesture is sincere or yet another tactical maneuver to hoover them or otherwise set them up for further manipulation. The narcissist himself may not fully understand his own feelings or motives or how long they may last.
Accept the Good, with Healthy Skepticism
If the kindness feels real, the non should try to accept it at face value and feel good about that long-craved-for affirmation. It may be one of only a handful of moments or even the first of its kind in the relationship. But as a veteran of the narcissist’s abuse, the non also should remain skeptical of authentic lasting growth in the narcissist, something that at best will be very limited. Probably the safest response for the non is to neither reject the overture nor expect more of the same from the narcissist.

Maintain Your Boundaries
Perhaps most importantly, the non in the situation should not base conclusions or decisions upon what may be a fleeting opening. A spouse would be wise not to push the issue by pulling out a laundry list of complaints or suddenly confiding things long held in check. Similarly, the adult child of the narcissist may be tempted to resume or increase contact but should instead let the dust settle to consider the situation and see what happens next. The same goes for the ex or friend who is tempted to reconcile with the narcissist.
Enjoy the moment, even savor it, but for your mental and physical well-being keep the bigger picture in mind and maintain your boundaries.

^ that seems a reasonable way of looking at it and handling it.
I will say Thanks and leave it at that.

Vanilla or Sandi, i would love your input if you are willing and available

Id also like to point out this is clearly a tactic to try and keep a clean conscious on her end. If she can continue to deny the affair, cheating, lies and deception, then she can feel justified in her crap decisions.

I know you don't like the answer I usually give when you post this stuff, but what does it really matter if it's a tactic or not? She responded to what you said. That's all. What was your tactic when you presented that?

It doesn't matter why she said what she said. All that matters is your actions and what you need to do on your end. You want to coparent peacefully, you expressed that, she responded in agreement. I am asking an honest question. How did you want her to respond to your request to coparent peacefully?

Now you are giving it way more head space than it deserves.

Why?

Because she has F**ed with my head enough over the past year that even something as simple as this throws me all off, honestly, sometimes im afraid to reply or not reply. Everything gets twisted and used against me eventually. Everything.
She has used every piece of knowladge she has about me as a weapon in the past.

You want the honest answer why this eats up so much headspace?
Trauma bonding, and fear. CPTSD and stockholm syndrome.

thats why.

If you don't want those responses, then don't make those statements that mention your want for peaceful coparenting.

This is why we tell you "yes/no" conversation only. You are provoking these situations. If you have all those things that cause you to eat up so much headspace, why would you put yourself in that position????

You are doing this to yourself at this point. Stop being a masochist.

Im just choosing to ignore it and moving on with my weekend. thanks for the input.

Well so far I'm seeing you post the same old stuff.



I agree, and I think it's something you need to do a 180 on. Not for us but for your own health and sanity.



Alright, well you asked for it. You are being absolutely ridiculous. It was a polite message and you want to twist and turn it into something dark and nefarious. No wonder you drive this woman crazy, she literally cannot do anything right in your eyes. She could lay a bag of money at your feet and you would find 100 ways to hate her for it. You need to find ways to let go of all the hatred, anger and resentment. It is eating you up inside and it poisons your interactions with her and everyone else including us here. We want to help you, but you've got to want to be helped and so far you don't. You want to tell us why we're wrong. You want to tell us why you know better than us. What you need is to start over. New attitude, new expectations. Sound familiar?