On Steve's EX3, I think he meant "so no need to respond". Just clarifying.
Also, and I did this so I know I'm not perfect, no more freakin hugs for the cheating wives! We need to make a pact:WW want a hug? Act like a wife, show some respect, commit to the R. Then hug.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
She has texted me a dozen times today I’ve barely responded. Been in a five hour work meeting. She asked about restaurants at beach. Sent pic of D3 on beach. Asked where sun tan lotion was. Said- Sorry for accusing you I hope you're having an ok day.
I said Thanks for pic and apology. Hope you're enjoying yourself.
She thanked me for the bubbles I packed for D3. No response from me at this point.
Just feel like not responding Ian mean but if that’s what it takes F it.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, I think that's what it takes, man. Listen to Steve85. Respond to specific questions with specific answers. Otherwise, don't respond.
In person or in phone conversation, things can be a little more back and forth, but still let her do the vast majority of talking and you just be friendly and validate and agree as much as is reasonable - don't give advice or offer solutions if she talks about her problems, just validate. And as you already know, you end the interaction first whenever possible.
Texts and emails (from you a least) should at this time be used ONLY for necessary brief informative exchanges and as simple of answers as you can provide to direct questions. NO SUPERFLUOUS LANGUAGE ON YOUR PART. It doesn't matter how chatty her texts/emails to you are. You DON'T have to respond to everything or address every little point she makes. In fact you should not respond to anything other than what is absolutely necessary.
Don't thank her for pics. Don't thank her for apologies. Don't tell her you hope she's enjoying herself. All unnecessary responses. Period.
You can if you want to respond to the thank you for the bubbles with a simple "you're welcome" and leave it at that. But it really doesn't require a response either. Going forward I urge you to keep it simple and brief no matter how tempted you are to throw in a little nugget of warmth or affection. Texts and emails for right now in your relationship should be cold, robotic and to the point.
I know I'm just telling you stuff you already know and have been told repeatedly or have read yourself. But it's one thing to know it and another to do it with consistency. I'm not trying to be condescending to you, rather a 2x4 is what I'm aiming to do. I hope for the best in your sitch and I think you have a real chance at eventually reconciling. But you need to go all in on pulling back, as uncomfortable as it is. Let her keep pursuing you for now.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
She is temp checking you. You seem to not know. Though I'm not convinced that you don't. I honestly think you know exactly what she is doing. You are backing off and she is reaching out, flirting more. You know she is. I call bull crap on you saying if she thinks your dating that she will. Let me remind you, she dated someone else while sleeping in the same bed with you. So the others are correct with what they said.
You keep feeling the need to respond. Stop giving in to that temptation. I know you use this as a venting forum, which is great. But we are trying to help you progress. You seem to make some progress and then when it works a little you fall for it. lol.
Just like that broad said "oh your doing that now" you should laugh in her face and say "Yup". And leave immediately. And you know what? It will piss her off. She won't believe it.
Coming close to September. If I were you, I'd flip the script and start thinking about not having to pay her that support for too much longer. Two weeks ago, you said you might file for divorce in sept? I called you on it then.
The fact that you can come on here and tell us about her convos should be a sign that you know too much about her, therefore are texting/conversing too much.
Baby sitter. Remember-babysitter. Would you hug the baby sitter when she asked for one? Would you send the babysitter videos at 1130 pm? Would you send "thanks for the apology"- nope. The babysitter doesn't know enough about you to make assumptions and have to apologize.
Again, if you want change, you have to do it. Otherwise we will be seeing you on here next year saying the same thing. Your wife is ok with this situation bc she can be. You seem to want to be with her but don't seem to want to take suggestions. We are only trying to help you here. And potentially her.
Steve- thanks a lot for your time I appreciate it.
Hong- I appreciate your wording too.
Loves- your perspective as a woman is definitely appreciated also. My W is kind of unusual in her sensitivities social anxiety etc. She has never wanted to sleep together or have any intimacy since she left. And if she did come back I know she would only want to be with me if she was not with someone else. Thats just the way she is. She would never share me she has told me as much months ago.
Keep up the support / advice on lack of response and how to respond... that is really helpful. I will read NMMNG again.
One thing in regard to cheating etc. She left, told me she was leaving wasnt in love w me etc. She lived at her moms and started dating / sleeping with someone. We werent sleeping together at the time whatsoever. She did come back after she broke it off with OM and then we tried to be together for a couple days. She had all this anxiety and couldnt be around me.
Also she started dating when she knew I was. I was dating someone maybe 6 ago I was really excited about... the girl was a model and attorney extremely successful. We had a handful of dates and it started off well then I pushed and tried to fill the void. This was before I read NMMNG DR, or found this forum. I wasnt ready to date and Fd it up with a really great woman. When W saw her friend me on facebook and instagram she immediately started dating new people. W told me she cried after the dates with some of these guys.
Yea W has some growing up to do. For sure she has some healing to do. I cant do it for her. Do I want it to change F yea. So I am taking your advice.
I have not responded to thank you text from her. I want to say youre welcome as Hong mentioned but I think that will stem further texting conversations I dont want to have anyway.
She has been inviting me over for breakfast and wanting hugs etc. Thats nice but Im not looking to be her buddy. I told her I want to do birthday for D3 separate and she cried. Like I cant come? I thought maybe we could do some cake and have a little party just the 3 of us... I already said we could do that... maybe NGS... I am going to get a hotel and stay over at a waterpark with D3 and my parents W is not invited.
Thanks again- keep the advice coming... I'll keep posting.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
5pm she texted thanks for the bubbles. No response... 830pm she texts go outside and look for shooting stars tonight... Still no response from me.
Maybe before bed I'll just say been busy. Thanks
Or no response at all?
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
She is temp checking you. You seem to not know. Though I'm not convinced that you don't. I honestly think you know exactly what she is doing. You are backing off and she is reaching out, flirting more. You know she is. I call bull crap on you saying if she thinks your dating that she will. Let me remind you, she dated someone else while sleeping in the same bed with you. So the others are correct with what they said.
You keep feeling the need to respond. Stop giving in to that temptation. I know you use this as a venting forum, which is great. But we are trying to help you progress. You seem to make some progress and then when it works a little you fall for it. lol.
Just like that broad said "oh your doing that now" you should laugh in her face and say "Yup". And leave immediately. And you know what? It will piss her off. She won't believe it.
Coming close to September. If I were you, I'd flip the script and start thinking about not having to pay her that support for too much longer. Two weeks ago, you said you might file for divorce in sept? I called you on it then.
The fact that you can come on here and tell us about her convos should be a sign that you know too much about her, therefore are texting/conversing too much.
Baby sitter. Remember-babysitter. Would you hug the baby sitter when she asked for one? Would you send the babysitter videos at 1130 pm? Would you send "thanks for the apology"- nope. The babysitter doesn't know enough about you to make assumptions and have to apologize.
Again, if you want change, you have to do it. Otherwise we will be seeing you on here next year saying the same thing. Your wife is ok with this situation bc she can be. You seem to want to be with her but don't seem to want to take suggestions. We are only trying to help you here. And potentially her.
Learning. This is valuable to use in my situation as well.
