Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Patience, DB, Detach... piecing or divorce

I feel like you are one of my guy friends. And I want to yell at you right now. Lol. I'm driving. But I feel like you need a swift kick in the booty. You aren't detached. You give in the second this chick questions anything. I suggest you reread the book and start over. For real. You continually do the same things over and over. But expect change. DID - it won't change until you do.

Maybe she's not afraid, and maybe she's just saying that. This is why you don't take the convo this far. If she texts asking that, you say nothing. Then she's left to wonder. And while she's wondering if you're dating, she's wondering why she is concerned and analyzing her feelings for you - which is good.

You're probably a little too upbeat, which is coming across as fake. I've been there done that.

I'm not the only voice here, but I have taken an interest on your sitch. Let's see what the other DB'ers say.

Thanks all. Loves- your sitch gives me hope. I was unavailable for just a week or so and she noticed. Asking me if Im dating. Stalking my social media. Wanting to get to know me. I just gotta get back to it consistently. DBing does work even though it hurts you and feels awful because you want to love your spouse and you care about them. But like Sandi says do what works. I am going to be back to being unavailable. Too busy, detaching, having fun, being successful. Be the man only a fool would leave. Maybe Im too upbeat I dont know. But Im heading to the beach Thursday Ive been working with hundreds of kids all week.

Ovr- Im upbeat but its not fake. And its not about W. Im excited for my job. I moved my lacrosse club program - hundreds of players and families and it was a great move. Im excited for the future. Im planning trips and doing things I look forward to. I like my new location after moving a month ago. Yea Im still inconsistent at times and maybe I have NGS I need to work on. But Im attacking my fears. I know I need to stand up to W more. Not sure what exactly to take a stand on but will take it as it comes.

One thing Im unsure of is D3 is turning to D4 in 2 weeks. W says D3 wants to celebrate together. D3 has never said that to me. Maybe Ill ask D3, but I was planning to do a party without W.

Looking forward to hearing from you all.

The other thing about DBing is eventually stops hurting and stops feeling awful. That is the point. As you detach you realize that you will be fine with or without your WAS. Once you realize that then the pain of losing them dissipates. If they come back YOU get to choose whether or not your MR continues. Until that happens they get to choose. See the difference?

Thanks Steve. Sometimes Im torn on if I would want the MR if I had it. In the end I give her the benefit of the doubt because of how I feel about family. I know she will have to work on herself in regard to anxiety, strength, ability to accept apologies, and to not always get her way... be able to handle having more kids without obsessing... I hope she can do it but I know change is hard. A lot of the pain is about family and missing D3 not just W. It's been 14 months since we've had any intimacy...

Hi!

I can tell you, detaching works. It wasn't too long ago that I was going dang near insane. But rather than reaching out, I held out. No nothing. I logged on here, texted a friend, drive my car, whatever I needed to do. I got tired of feeling like I was only an option or a doormat. And - that was only my thoughts. He never told me that. It was my own feelings. I feel like you feel the same way. Like an option. To get over that feeling I had to dig deep and say I'm better than this. I started making myself go out and being active, almost to the point of exhaustion. But it best that feeling. You need to get there. Stop telling her your plans. Stop waiting on a date with her. If you find yourself doing that, stop and refocus.

I will post more later. At work.

THanks loves. I’m getting there. Anyone familiar with WAS becoming weaker and more fragile while LbS grows from the pain and is forced to build themselves back up from the rubble?

W comes over to get D3 today. 1.5 hours late phone died. We were really nervous though she got in an accident or something. But she got lost and whatever she went to the DMV today and had the hardest time. She is struggling to deal with life. I think she needs help. Starting to question things I’ve wanted more and more. If we were to spend time together I don’t know if I’d even like her. Feel like she’d need therapy.

She is talking about packing for the beach being the last thing she wants to do and having anxiety around her mom... freaking mess. Many people have told me ive outgrown her. I’d hope to give her the benefit of the doubt and say if you want to spend time you need to work on yourself see someone’s and choose to want to be my wife long term.

Something Sandi said a few posts ago hit home - act like you’re free and back on the market. So that’s what I’m doing.

Running tryouts tonight and down to the beach tomorrow. Can’t wait.

Thanks all!

I must say, and don't take this harshly, but you always seem to mention how you want to tell her "if she wants to spend time" or wonder about the "spending time". Please understand that by thinking this way, it comes across that you are waiting for her to want to hang out with you, get a drink, or whatever. We have all tried to tell you to not worry about that. But you seem stuck on it. I think it's bc you wonder how can you get back together if you aren't spending time together.

Your wife is living in a separate house, 30 min away from you. I know tonight you mentioned that she is nervous, but just last week I believe you were saying she seems content. You have also mentioned no intimacy for over a year. You two tend to have verbal communication and contact weekly. Side note - no intimacy is just crazy to me. Crazy!!!! To me, your wife is comfortable in this situation. Don't take this wrong, but you have allowed it. You continue to give in. I think you think that you need to tell her that you won't be with her unless she is committed to the marriage. But she won't believe it. You know why? Because I don't believe it. If I don't, she won't. Why don't we believe it, because all she has to do is say she wants a hug and you give it. She says you seem detached - and you want to spill your guts. A little added side note - it would drive her nuts if you responded "just been busy" to her you seem detached comments. Less is more in this situation. When she makes comments of that nature, don't go into detail. You explaining anything could possibly give her validation for being gone.

Don't take my words harsh - I still feel like you have a shot here. This woman temp checks you weekly. And when you give her what she wants, she feels ok again.

Db'ing can feel overwhelming at times. But it gets better. Get confident no matter what. It makes you more attractive.

I can take harsh. Ive had much worse than that. She is far from comfortable she is F'd up and has a hard time dealing with life. She has anxiety not intimacy. She says she isnt dating anyone and said she is scared she would find out that I was yesterday. She is anxious around her mom and around our daughter. And around me. She blames me for everything but now that Im trying to take a step or 10 steps back she continues to have issues. I still think life is going to hit her in the face.

It [censored] to feel this way... but Im thinking more and more that if nothing changes after three months of support I agreed to she can choose to work on the marriage or I am going to choose divorce.

The just been busy when she asks about seeming detached... will do next time. I never recognize the temp checks. Need to work on just not caring... Thanks coach Loves.

Appreciate the advice. Ill do it.

I really think if when start "doing" rather than "saying" things will change. Obviously I can't or anyone else for that matter, tell you what she will do. If she will come back. But regardless, action over words always seem to catch notice. And I bdlievecyou are frustrated. Totally understandable.

She has asked Me mentioned this week that make her nervous. Are you dating and detaching. I would imagine she will ask again if you keep doing as you have. Try the "just been busy". She will push for more. Remember, she is used to you giving her what she wants, so she will get uneasy when you don't. But don't cave.

You can do this! I think once you learn that you being quiet is working for you, you will feel better.