just came by from triple j's thread, you mentioned you got a bt set from the library? oooo, which one??? i swear, i told betsey today i am beginning to sound like a freakin bt ZEALOT...hehe
i would be honored to discuss some of his thoughts with you - he has so much out there that is just phenom
Hi Sweetie ~ Just got caught up with you. I am sorry about your news. Our situations are getting more and more similar by the day! (I know, I know, GF vs. OW, but the feelings are the same.....)
You said something on my post about closure and conflict avoidance. Do you feel like you need closure? I do!
H once told me he wants me in his life after the D......I guess my questions are teh same as yours....... -what does this look like? Dinner and a movie once a month?? LOL!!
I think your MIL is WAY off base. You are obviously handling thing VERY well and she doesn't like it 'cause her son is messing up his life! Oh well, hold your head up high ~ you have done all the right things!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I'm sorry I haven't been back over here in a timely fashion.
It's funny that you said this:
Quote: So maybe he just thinks it makes him sound good to say he wants to be my friend, I don't know. It's all very illogical to me. I feel like you do, KAW, who needs friends like that??
I had just finished e-mailing Hud on this subject when I headed your way. The way I see it, YOU get to be the boss in drawing boundaries on what is good for you. If you can't handle being his friend (whatever the heck that means), you get to state what that looks like TO YOU.
If being disappointed in his choices is against the law, look next to you because these jail cells are filled with the rest of us! They make crappy choices for even crappier reasons! So sue us!
I'm glad you're illogical... because I feel better now. I know I have company in this boat.
Keep smiling, dear lady. You are a keeper.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The Power of Achievement is the one I have, and I think it's v. good-- I actually took notes.
I've explored my share of SH/goalsetting/motivation stuff for personal and work reasons -- honestly, I think a lot of them aren't much to write home about. I tend to like the warm female approach better too-- Cheryl Richardson's seminars/books have been a big help to me.
But I really liked this CD set... maybe because the positive thinking stuff fits right into my belief system, or maybe because it comes to me at the right time. Maybe just because it's just great stuff?
Quote: You said something on my post about closure and conflict avoidance. Do you feel like you need closure? I do!
I think what I really need is to feel as though I am visible and not devalued by this person I have spent 15 years with.
I've been thinking a lot about that... and what I'm feeling is that my H has still been in "all about me" mode over the past 6 months, just in a different way.
I feel as though he has devalued me and our M by taking me out of the equation and not even discussing with me his reasons for making these decisions on his own.
I know that he is feeling a lot and has been running and dealing with much pain to be able to do that, but at the end of the day, how he deals with all that pain is a choice and he's chosen to devalue me and make all the decisions about our R as if I were not a person who is half of this marriage, but a disposable accessory that either pleases him or doesn't please him, nothing more.
That's what it feels like. And what's worse, I don't believe he really feels this way about me, or that he even sees that some of the time.
I don't mean that to come off angry-- and I hope I don't because that's not what I feel at all, though I did a long while back feel exactly that. I just feel that the friends thing is more of the same confusing behavior that got us here in the first place and that is why I am very skeptical.
Quote: H once told me he wants me in his life after the D......I guess my questions are teh same as yours....... -what does this look like? Dinner and a movie once a month?? LOL!!
I don't know what it looks like either! And he's talking to others (not me) about it.
I feel like when he looks at me now, he is trying really hard to keep me in that image that he made to justify what he was doing, putting up walls so as not to connect with the person actually standing in front of him. And then he wants to be "friends", but with who? Because it's not like he sees me.
This probably doesn't make a lot of sense not knowing the whole sitch-- but my H and I have spent the better part of our S talking about these things he decided I'd wanted and thought and felt-- none of them were remotely true for me. Some of that comes from feeling alone and needing me to be there for him more emotionally...and then not letting me in. Lots of stuff. But all this time we've been discussing how off base these assignments were-- he wasn't seeing ME, but this creation of me...then we started to really pull this apart and look at it from both sides-- what was related to the way we were interacting and what was more about him? What have I changed that needed to change (health and job were biggies)? How much of the issues we were facing were huge misunderstandings (a lot, we had said at the time)?
Now it is as if we never had those conversations because we are right back to "I was unhappy and divorcing you will make me happy." But wait, don't go anywhere? Let's be friends.
Quote: The way I see it, YOU get to be the boss in drawing boundaries on what is good for you. If you can't handle being his friend (whatever the heck that means), you get to state what that looks like TO YOU.
Yeah. I agree, Betsey. I think I could "handle" being a friend under certain circumstances, meaning emotionally I could do that. But that means I am treated as a friend, consulted, visible, valued. H's behavior doesn't show me this. And his decision-making shows me we either have very divergent values now or that he is not interested in / or understanding how to live according to his values... I am not sure which it is, but I suspect it's being so wrapped up in pain and the A path he started down that just doing something else is what he's convinced himself he "needs to" do.
It's baffling to me that he can't see that he could also "start over" with me and lose a whole lot less.
Holdingon pointed out whether I am around to see him realize that removing me doesn't miraculously make him happy is my choice. I'm not really interested in hanging around that long. I have other options.
In looking at my friends-- the ones I have aren't like this. I don't wish to set new, lower standards for friendship, and I feel that I've treated him like a friend esp. the past 8 months and he has not done the same. That's what I meant by "clean up his act".
I'm struggling with how much of this we need to talk about... and how I want to do that.
Quote: I think your MIL is WAY off base. You are obviously handling thing VERY well and she doesn't like it 'cause her son is messing up his life!
Thanks Sun! It bugs me a little, I have to be honest about that. But I also consider the source and it's someone who isn't so happy with her own life and has other issues.
Hey! I'm mad. I posted to you yesterday and it looks like it never made it to the board. Ah well, I'm sure it was my fault.
Anyway.
Hi Wonder!
What I wrote about yesterday was that I was flabberfasted by H moving in with OW, and telling others about it without telling you directly. I'm pretty mad at him for that. No wonder he didn't answer your question. Yes, we should have compassion for them, but -- come on, guy!
Well, I think we can be pretty much certain that this living situation with OW will not work out for long. It's sounds very reactive and ill thought out.
Based on what you've shared about your H, I do think he will eventually pull himself together and find some wisdom. But you have grown so much, you are far beyond him on the road. It's not fair to you to have to stop your progress and wait for him to catch up. He'll just have to run twice as fast if he wants to even come close. So I hope he gathers up his strength and goes for it. For now I am disappointed and angry with him. I guess not a proper DBing attitude, but it is what it is.
PS Every single line of your last post resonated with me. Especially this:
Quote: In looking at my friends-- the ones I have aren't like this. I don't wish to set new, lower standards for friendship, and I feel that I've treated him like a friend esp. the past 8 months and he has not done the same. That's what I meant by "clean up his act".
Being a friend is not always easy, nor is it without responsibility and work. I think sometimes they say they want to be friends, meaning, "let's be friendly toward each other and not be hostile." Well, that is not enough for a true friendship. True friendship is a relationship and a commitment of its own. Otherwise, I think the WAs are just looking for a "benign neglect" situation. If he wants to be friends, rise to the occasion and be a real friend.
Azure sweetie! How cheery to hear from you. And as always, I read your post and it helps me to feel like myself again.
Thank you for saying you understand. I thought I was sounding a bit whiny or strident or... well... something. I'm usually good at ferreting myself out for that behavior... and then it slides away.
I agree with this:
Quote: Based on what you've shared about your H, I do think he will eventually pull himself together and find some wisdom. But you have grown so much, you are far beyond him on the road. It's not fair to you to have to stop your progress and wait for him to catch up. He'll just have to run twice as fast if he wants to even come close. So I hope he gathers up his strength and goes for it.
I know he will too. And I hope he goes for it too. But I have to keep going forward at the same time.
When I talk about my feelings of the friend dilemma, I know I would never be mean to him or anything to him but the person I've been working to grow into being. Just not available to him without him making some changes too.
I am so grateful for the people on this BB, from whom I learn something new and valuable and inspiring every time I come here.
If he wants to be friends, HE should rise to the occasion and be a real friend -- to YOU.
Somehow I don't worry about you being a good friend to him! And I know you would never be mean to him. I know you are both still deeply connected to each other on some spiritual level, which I hope he intends to honor and respect at the very least with responsible and responsive friendship.
(I know, I know, GF vs. OW, but the feelings are the same.....)
LOL!!
Betsey 