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Hi Wonder~
It sounds like you have made a decision NOT to make a decision right now!

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If and when I do chat with him about this remains "out there". You're right, Bets, there's no reason I have to do it anytime soon.

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GOOD FOR YOU!! I think that is called PATIENCE!!

Since my "news", I am seriously thinking of having a chat with H about how our "friendship" will or won't progress from here on out since the D will be final soon. I feel like we need to clear the air.

Like you, I am in no rush...maybe we can plan our strategy together??!

Have a great day! I have dinner for my mom later today ~ I got her a dozen hot pink roses and a cute "mom" charm bracelet!

I am hoping to spend some time on my back deck today "Seeking sun"!!

Oh, ho, there Sun goes with the P-word again! Thanks Sun. Patience with myself is something I need to be better with... getting there.

Hope you got to see the sun, Sun. It was very wet here.

Check this out from today's cainercast:
Everything will be OK. Everything will turn out right. Everything will be sweet, satisfactory and well worthwhile... in the end. And is this the end? No. It's way past the start and past the middle too, but the story you're so concerned about is still far from told. You can't force it to a premature conclusion. You have to let it take as long as it needs. If you want a recipe for success, here it is in one word: Relax. If you want it in a three word phrase try 'create a diversion'. The best thing you can do is look elsewhere while a process unfolds at a natural pace.

Hmmm. Anyone sensing a theme here?

Anyway, I needed to stop thinking so much and just get back to important things like getting a massage and going out with friends and having fun. All introspection and no play makes me a pretty difficult person to deal with, no?

Feeling the way I've been the past week and a half has really helped me learn what I already *know* -- that working through the emotions is much more healthy than pretending they aren't there.

wonder

Wonder ~
Patience is not my favorite thing either!!!

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Check this out from today's cainercast:

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What is a cainercast?? Like a horoscope??

VERY INTERESTING...like it was written for YOU!!!

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Anyway, I needed to stop thinking so much and just get back to important things like getting a massage and going out with friends and having fun. All introspection and no play makes me a pretty difficult person to deal with, no?

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ME TOO!!!

I did get to see the sun on Sunday.....gotta get that Florida tan back before Memorial Day~!!

OK folks... I think my message is clear now. After the great massage and the happy friends and the coconut bubble bath and the Bridget-recommended reggae.

I was actually in a good place to get the news that H has rented a house with OW (must have "skipped his mind" to mention that, too - though I'm not really surprised). And he is officially telling his family that it is 100% over between us, etc. Well, he's been saying this all along to them even while doing something different with me. But this time he means it.

Also was a bit hurt (but not surprised) to hear that MIL feels some kind of need to attack my character. I do get a small chuckle out of the idea that she seems to think I am some desperate, depressed woman chasing her poor son-- esp. since she hasn't seen me in 2 years to evaluate my emotional state, which I tend to think is pretty damn good, really. Oh well. Not going to lose sleep on that.

Interesting contrast that someone I actually DO see regularly commented that I seem to be handling things with grace and strength and seem pretty happy considering, and in charge of my life.

Hmmm. Which to choose?

I'm sure whatever MIL has heard is different from what I have experienced with H-- she tells people he confides in her, he tells me he doesn't tell her anything-- but it's just so bizarre, really, that anyone would attack someone's character for trying very hard to treat her son with patience and for the most part, loving kindness and generosity, in the face of being hurt pretty bad by said son. For choosing to be positive about the solutions instead of negative about the problems. For being a wife who was actively fighting for her marriage and working on making herself the best person she can be.

Whatever.

He is telling them he hopes we will be friends. And so now I am wondering, what kind of friend is this he has in mind? Is he going to invite me over for dinner?

My guess is not.

Or does he just mean the kind he is now-- who pretends I am not here most of the time and occasionally offers to help me with things... someday?

I know I had talked with him about what he thought our relationship might look like after a D... but that was when he wasn't living with OW. I'm really not interested in a friendship with him while he does that and he knows that.

I don't want what that would be. Maybe it would be good DBing, but I am just not willing to do it at this point. Maybe I will change my mind if I get some good evidence.

Maybe all of my meandering thoughts this weekend weren't just my hormones. Perhaps it was my intuition.

Anyway... still believe that things are going to be fine.

And still no word from him about the business I need to talk about. I even called back during my "time slot".

I am sensing I've hit the end of my long rope here... so I am using my sharp humor, please forgive that. Some people don't think it's funny but I really do mean it gently.

Definitely feeling it's time to do something else.

If H wants to be my friend, or anything else, then he can clean up his act. Is that too harsh? I don't know. It might be, but it's what I feel comfortable with right now.

wonder

Oh, Wonder! (((((Wonder)))))

I want to respond to this beautifully written post, but D7 has escaped the tub and is running around the house wet and naked...

I'm just going to give you a hug and say I don't think you are being too harsh... and I promise to come back and visit you tomorrow morning.

You have so much class and finesse. And I'm not saying that as a biased person! You really and truly are one incredible woman. And I don't <WONDER> who is going to end up a winner. I know: YOU.

A big hug coming your way.

Betsey

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but it's just so bizarre, really, that anyone would attack someone's character for trying very hard to treat her son with patience and for the most part, loving kindness and generosity, in the face of being hurt pretty bad by said son. For choosing to be positive about the solutions instead of negative about the problems. For being a wife who was actively fighting for her marriage and working on making herself the best person she can be.

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{{{{{Wonder}}}}} Your MIL sounds suspiciously like my late MIL and I am wondering if she ever "cleaved" from your H, or did she hold on to him, even during your M? Just wondering how common this is... my MIL never accepted me or delighted in me, rather took every opportunity to berate me. I never understood it either.

I also wonder if it is one of my Hs many wounds...

Oh well... I am sorry about the house thing. I am also wondering about the intuition thing, too...

For such a difficult place, you are handling it so well.

HARSH! ... NO WAY !!!

((( Wonder )))

I know for me if CAW moved in with OM that it would be a dealbreaker PERIOD ... even for a friendship. (and came awfully close to that as she was arranging to move into an apartment he owned next door to his home. To me that still qualified as movin' in.)

... and what is it with wanting to be our friend after they go for a D??? That's not the kinda friends I would want to hang with! ... the kind that stabs you in the heart and then wants to keep comin' around to keep reminding you of it! Who needs that!

Sorry for the rant. Just struck a nerve that's been raw lately.

... so I'll chime in along with the rest here ... we all sense that you are a strong, confident, (wonder)ful lady, who knows now how to get what she wants in life and I think it won't take long until you have it.

'til later,
KAW

Awww. Thanks, to all of you sweet people for such nice support and giving me the sense that yes, it's really fine to have a major problem with this.

And that yeah, I'm fine too.

I'm glad I sound good because this feels a bit tough. And for the most part, I am good... but I confess I vented a bit to my SIL (who is my close friend) when she shared all this in an email. I don't mean vent in the way of saying any negative things about H--because all along I have refused to do that and I am not going to start now-- but venting how I was feeling about his choices and my honest struggle with the very idea of being his friend.

This is something I need not to do because it completely distracted me for the day. Didn't have much focus at all.

I am just so very disappointed in his choices lately and more so the way he is acting with me about them. There. I finally said it.

KAW, I have no idea how he could suggest being my friend from where he is. A while back he said if we got D, he wanted "whatever relationship I wanted to have" because he wanted one... but I asked that question under (I thought) different circumstances.

He has not actually told me anything except that he "needed" to file D papers instead of "holding them over my head" and that "maybe it is not for me to understand". That's it.

But he's telling other people that being with OW is what will make him happy... that he decided this in the couple of weeks of therapy he did before giving me papers (3, I think).

So maybe he just thinks it makes him sound good to say he wants to be my friend, I don't know. It's all very illogical to me. I feel like you do, KAW, who needs friends like that??

wonder

Holdingon,

Interesting about the MIL. My MIL and I actually got along fine... in fact, she used to tell me and others that I was "the angel who came into her son's life", that I "brought him back" to his family, etc. H has always had a difficult R with her and has always commented on how much she "loved" me.

She never cleaved from either son too well, but has always had a much more attached R with BIL, which is going through exactly what you described with my poor SIL. She's a pretty controlling personality, makes lots of snide remarks, etc. I always ignored that because it was never directed at me.

Oddly, she seems more attached to my H than ever before.

All along she has emphatically denied her son has any depression at all, even when he's been saying otherwise. Of course she has also adamantly denied any use of the word "affair"... and suggested that other family members "support" H by not being friendly with me. It's all a bit odd to me... not how my family operates anyway.

About the intuition, it's weird. I do sometimes seem to have uncanny intuition about some things...always have. Don't always listen to it, though I am working on that.

wonder

Well, Wonder, at the very least (and it is pretty paltry, I must say) you finally have your answer to why he gave you the papers...

He has decided in his head (which one?) that he will be happy with OW... so, it was necessary in his head that he get the D... Also explains why he couldn't tell you, cause it is a stupid reason... Just more mileage in their journey.

You know, I know and he WILL know she isn't going to make him happy. Whether you stick around long enough for him to figure it out is YOUR call.

I'm sorry your MIL has chosen to betray you as well. Everything you are describing was typical for my Hs family. If one of them cheated on their spouse, it just wasn't an issue... they never seemed to make anyone own up to their mistakes. I can tell you, it wasn't pretty. Oh well. Maybe its a good thing that Hs mom doesn't know about his A... I'm sure I'd find out just how much thicker than water blood really is... More anger to process, I know...