Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Detaching / Dbing... Can I get to Piecing?

I completely understand how you feel. It's like, you give them what they asked for...and then still nothing. It gets old. I sometimes think the left behind tire themselves emotionally and mentally before they really detach. I think you are NOW at the detachment place that you thought you were already at. It's funny as the process goes, you realize that when you get to a certain mindset, that you wish you could have done that from the beginning. But I guess it's a process.

I'm not sure why your wife has such anxiety. Even around your daughter. That has always struck me as odd about your situation. She doesn't seem to have a real grip on reality. Not for nothing, her life would be really different if you decide to divorce. I'm not to sure that she really understands that.

Thanks Loves nice to hear from someone here. I know my sitch is kind of common and there are many more interesting. Yea maybe I am getting too detachment, I dont have sexual thoughts about her like I used to. At least not as often, Im not waking up thinking of her. Seeing her is still hard... sometimes I want to turn my head and say what really? She is going to buy a car tomorrow I think... I told her Id think your income would control what car you have (she has no income). But its her money and her decision, I cant control her. So I said ok I understand Im glad youre happy with your decision... validate right?

I agreed to do this support for three months, $2325 per month plus health and life insurance. August will be month number 2. So I will do that again next month. If nothing changes by the end of September I guess I will have a decision to make... divorce? I guess a discussion at least where I will probably say nothing has changed you dont want to make any effort to be together. So I guess divorce is the right answer?

Im not going to pay for someones life who I barely interact with any longer than I have to. Even if I do have feelings for her and a child with her. Someone who treats me like a friend she doesnt really want to see or touch just a coparent. She flies away when I say ok lets make the plans you asked for. Yea, Id love to have a partner to be intimate with and share lifes experiences with but I know I will be ok either way. I miss my daughter every day and wish I could make my wife fall desperately in love with me like she once was. But its not in my control. Im doing my best to be a good man and father. I know our daughter asks when Im coming to get her and thinks Im a great dad. Thats the most important thing right? Im getting back to playing sports and working out a lot. Building relationships and friendships.

I will not ask her to make plans and if she asks me to dinner or to have a drink she can take the lead. I wont come on too strong or come on at all in the future. I will tentatively accept but I am trying to protect myself and detach as much as I can. I sometimes miss her and dam* I still think shes attractive. I wish she would or could open up to me and be the woman I love and married but I dont see that person anymore. Even typing it is said. But we come into the world alone and we die alone right?

I just sent my letter of resignation in to my current job which is about 60% of my income. Going to a new company, while a third is making a strong pitch for my services. Who knows if Im making the right decision but Im trying to trust my instincts. A year of change, thats for sure. Onward and upward.

I think the times that she mentioned "getting a drink" was her just having casual talk, and maybe just a hint of flirting, but just a hint. I think you took this as a sign. If it is ever EVER brought up again just say "yea, maybe". I may have even given that advice to you before. That way you spare your feelings if she is just being casual.

In regards to the financials. You still have a few more months left. You can see how much up and down the weeks can go. I'd say worry about that when you have maybe 3 weeks left. If you want a divorce then, ok, that is your decision. My instincts tell me that you won't. Who's to say that you stop financially supporting her a reality will kick in. Then maybe she will have anxiety, real life anxiety to worry about. Sorry, I get super annoyed that she plays that anxiety card on you. Most spouses who separate have to support themselves, not sit pretty on hubbys dime. It says they get anxious around the kids. Smh.

Keep working on yourself. I think when the "left behind" start getting a backbone or just straight not giving a crap, they notice. Haha. Stay strong!

A couple of things.

First read the validation thread. "I am glad...." isn't validation. It is AGREEMENT. Validation is not agreement. You are not giving approval or disapproval in validation, simply recognizing her feeling. "I understand you feel you need a new vehicle." Something like that. You don't agree or disagree or use language that suggests one or the other.

Second, her getting this car suggests to me that she doesn't feel the support is temporary. Did, you know I was against the temporary support from the beginning. I will restate for newbies reading this, you shouldn't be "enabling" your spouse to leave you through VOLUNTARY support. In other words, unless it is court-ordered, don't give them a dime in order to move out.

Good to hear from you. Thanks Steve. She put down 15k of her money from our house sale so that is her money and only has a $200 per month payment. Maybe I shouldnt have given her the support but she needed to get out of her parents house. She is making moves to start her business so hopefully she starts earning money. Unsure of what to do after our 3 month agreement is up if nothing changes in regard to support... I guess we could go back to mediation attorney...

She saw NMMNG by my bed today when picking up d3 and asked if she could read it. Thoughts on this? She also said she really would like to have some fun.

I took this new job and have been having an amazing amount of support in the community. Social media etc. Im excited and feel a sense of purpose rather than thinking about W and our relationship as much. I have not been talking to her much. Heading to a tournament this weekend and busy with everything.

I posted this on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayShettyI...DACdNQMJsU52k7bd4nnXY91I7PsdNQFslPIExae8

W telling me she has been seeing all the support on my facebook and instagram even though we arent friends on there anymore. She is private I am not so I cant see her which is maybe a good thing.

She is definitely keeping tabs on me and seeming interested. I have taken her off the pedestal or at least its a lower pedestal. I want to have fun and live life we dont get any time back. I want a passionate relationship, I have been getting approached by women... trying to be patient but not sure if it really matters. I want more kids, I have everything in my life except a partner to share and grow together with...

Here is video from facebook if that link doesnt work

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqVd3q3CdrY

One of the first things you were told was not to let her see your material. No! Don't let her read NMMNG! Are you kidding me? And why is she in your bedroom?

I don 't understand what the second sentence has to do with her wanting to read the book. It's not your job to provide fun for her.

Sandi thanks for chiming in! Ok on book. What about her wanting to spend tome together and hang out? When we exchange D3 we normally spend some time at each other’s places. Cut that out? If she asks to do an activity like get a drink or dinner accept? And just let her plan it?

She has been contacting me a lot. I barely initiate contact except to FaceTime D3

On books I thought it pertained to Dr and DB not nmmng which Moreno of a self help than marriage saving. Many times it talks about many who have read book and change / grow do not want to be with their spouse which is something I debate in my head a lot. I only want to be with her if she open so her mind and works on herself and childhood trauma and anxiety... thanks!

Have you two actually hung out yet?