Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Detaching / Dbing... Can I get to Piecing?

That question was loaded. You seem stuck on her wanting to hang out and get a drink. It's been a topic for quite sometime. You even mentioned it to her and didn't she talk about anxiety or something?

I know that I have personally suggested limiting your time when you drop/pick up D3. And everytime you post, it continues. If you want this woman to be with you more than you are with her now, she needs to feel like she is losing you. I know LBS's have a hard time understanding this. But it's pretty classic. Spouse leaves bc of whatever reason. They are basically in control of the situation at that point. Lbs freaks out. But when lbs starts to stand up and say "ok", and gets on with life, they other one notices.

You are a smart guy. Think of what you would tell your best friend. I'm not trying to be harsh, really I'm not. I actually think you have a great shot at saving your marriage. I just think your wife knows that you are putty in her hands.

Thanks loves. Less time together when exchanging our daughter. Make her think she is losing me. Be less available. All business all the time. Anything else?

Sandi hope to hear from you again when you have the time. Thank you!

Right... that's the key. Except be a nice business man. Lol. I know it's difficult bc them seeming as if they want to reconnect is what you want. I think in your situation you need to back off some. You have made a lot of progress. About a month ago you were a mess, am I right? You don't seem to be as much now. In my opinion, you seem very available to her. I really think that if you were to limit your time,she will start to wonder.

How fast do you respond to text? Do you always go over when she wants?

I think another good way to see it is, if you wanted to date a new woman and she mentioned hanging out a few times but it never happened, would you continue to want to date her? Obviously no. You wouldn't. I don't think it means move on. But means treat it the same way emotionally. It was just words, conversation? You see?

In my opinion, and I've said before, she is just talking when she says these things. When someone wants to hang out, they tend to make it happen.

Agree on all points. I respond too quickly to texts. For example I texted her I’ll be home around 2. She had sent me a few texts this morning and asked how I played while I was playing in the tournament and a parenting article. I’d usually give her some details about how it went. But if she wants to know I guess she would be here with our family like all the families my age on the team are. Say something like it was fun, see you soon?

Less available.... too often I’m black and white. Barely talk to her or ignore her vs be too available. Have to find that fine like of being nice but not too available.

Working on it. I almost accept it is a lost cause.

The best response would be "good" or "played well". Leave out see ya soon. How long do you take to respond. Give it a few hours.

A few hours... ok. I waited like an hour... keep the advice coming! She dropped off D3 asleep and I carrier her in. W stayed for a few min she made idle chat I was an active listener and upbeat and did not pursue anything..... patience..

No, don't do any of that stuff. She wanted a separation, so give it to her. Stop playing like your her gay boyfriend. When you go to get D3, don't waste a second getting out of there. When she comes to pick up D3, be dressed as if you are going out. Have all of D3's things ready to go, and don't invite your W to stay, don't offer her anything to drink, or whatever. If you have to......tell her you have plans and are pushing the clock. Trust me, if she thought you were going out.....and maybe some other woman was interested in you, she'd be pursuing you like a crazy person. But, she knows she has nothing to be concerned about, b/c you are acting like her gay boyfriend instead of man who has basically been set free and is on the market again.

If you will start behaving as if you are no longer interested in her, I promise you will see a big difference. As long as you are available to "hang out" when she has nothing better to do......she will see you as a loser. On the other hand, if she thought for one second that she might be replaced in your life...….she'd be all over you. How do I know? B/c we are talking about a little thing called human nature. It doesn't change. So, start behaving as if you have dumped her, and have moved on.



She does not need to read any book that is telling you how to be a stronger man. Those are tools for you! Here's the thing, if she read it then whenever you would try to implement what the book suggested, she would immediately fire back with something about not using that tough stuff on her b/c it wasn't going to work. In other words, the power in your actions are lost if she knows you are just doing something you read in a book. This is not just some self-help book to share with your WW.

Thanks sandi. I will try. I want to do what works what I expect to work does not. The funny thing is there are other woman interested in me. I have gone out on a date or two recently just socially. I will start behaving like I dumped her and moved on.

One question I do have. If I am not available to her how do I act if / when she starts pursuing... still not make plans or go out with her, unless she wants to commit to working on the marriage?
...

Don't show much interest, b/c why should you, right? This woman hurt you. This woman dumped you. So, why would you want anything to do with her? (That's kind of the attitude to have.) You don't act like a jerk or anything. If she wants to go get drinks, for example, just make up some lame excuse. Have you never had a girl pursue you that you didn't want to date? That's how.

If she should hint at the possibility of the two of you going on a date, you can say something like, "It's tempting, but I learned not to touch a hot stove twice". That should drive the point. Of course you could just ask why. See what she says. If she says anything about wanting to maintain a good relationship, remain friends, or any other b.s.……….tell her you aren't interested. B/c she is just wanting a gay boyfriend in you! Don't play with her games.

She needs to convince you that she wants to "work" toward reconciling the MR. Why else would you want to take her out to dinner? She needs to get real with you, b/c you aren't going to play that game. You can date other women, if you want to go out. Right? Here's the thing.....once she convinces you that she wants to work through the issues and is willing to end all contact with her OM, go to counseling, or whatever, then you can start going out. Otherwise, you aren't in competition with the OM, and you aren't that hard up for a date! And, BTW, don't try to put the right words in her mouth, like I've seen other guys do. She has to figure this out for herself. She has to work to get you back.

It's all about your attitude. That is what shines.