Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Moving On To The Bright Side 2

Dating is dating.

Until you and a lady have an exclusivity deal then go date. Dating is for learning and fun!

Go out, dating GAL have fun, hang out and hook up. Dating isn't R.

Do lots of it. Use protection. Learn new intimacy and attraction skills. The more ladies you date the more you learn what is best for you.

Am I saying be a player? No. I am saying go date women you like because you like them, not just for sex.

But sex is good too, go experiment.

V

J,

Let her come to you at her own pace and continue to date other women. Say good bye to anyone who is not enthusiastic to be with you.

Keep on keeping on!

3 dates does not make for a committed relationship. Go and date!

I keep the sex monogamous though when that happens.

But date. You are committed to anything.

Thanks guys......so she is moving really slow. Which is fine but I think her moving slow could impact attraction??? I don’t want to have sex with her then dump her so if I am really not feeling it after this Friday then I think I need to let her go. So the girl I asked to meet with is open this week because she doesn’t have her girls, I already have plans for Friday so I could try to swing something for Saturday night I guess. Ugh...I know this is supposed to be fun but I don’t like hurting people. I also feel that 3 dates is good enough to get an idea.

What do you define as moving "slow"?

Most women aren't as easy as I am with sex on the second or third date (I have to make a joke out of myself).

Do you mean emotionally or physically slow?

Absolutely you should engage. It is JUST dating. And, no, you don't owe anyone an explanation. You are a grown man. Get out there and enjoy!

And, I don't know exactly why, but the Oxford shirt on your XW just struck me funny. In fact, please forgive me if this is offensive, but when you mention your XW, you always refer to her as "ew" and every time I read that, I read it as "ewwwwwwww" like something that has grossed me out. It took me a minute to realize you meant XW and not think that you were grossed out by your XW in calling her ew. But when I couple the Oxford thing with the "ew" thing, it literally made me laugh out loud. I'm so sorry if that is bad...I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it.

I'm confused and I'm wondering if I missed something. You say she is moving slowly and that is fine. But then you say if you aren't feeling it after Friday maybe you should let it go because 3 dates is good enough to get an idea. Those things kind of seem in opposition to me. You like her enough to ask her on that 3rd date and you think it is ok for her to move slow, but if you aren't suddenly feeling it by Friday, you won't ask her out again? You have to do what is right for you and I LOVE the fact that you are concerned with NOT hurting anyone's feelings. That shows that you are a genuinely nice man who does care about the feelings of others and not just your own. And, I'm not suggesting you keep seeing someone if you aren't "feeling" it. I am just a bit confused that it seems you are saying 2 different things. Maybe just the way I interpreted what I'm reading and if so, sorry about that.

Regardless, you seem like a decent guy so, I say just continue to let that guide you. And HAVE FUN!

Don't want to hijack J9's thread but I couldn't let this pass without saying something. No, G, you DO NOT have to make a joke out of yourself. It is ok to make light of things and kid but you are NOT a joke. Please don't do that to yourself. You are a strong, confident, intelligent, kick-a$$ woman so own that!

Hey J9, why are you hurry?

Just take care of your head... Highlander was a headcutter, am I right?

I am going to try and spell it out the best I can. She is not or has not been a touchy feely person and has really initiated no physical contact with me whatsoever. When we did kiss on Friday I initiated the first one and then she went back in for a more forceful second one which was something I hadn't seen before.

I just get the impression she is struggling with all of it. My neighbor told me that her husband was a very big guy and after he died she lost a ton of weight. Maybe she is shell shocked that I would be interested in her...not sure but I kind of get that impression that maybe she is lacking in confidence and feels weird about it. IDK just a feeling I have...she has also not ate a meal around me in two dates. The first date she had chips and gauc.......the second date some nachos and the comedy club along with some more gauc at the restaurant. I am hammering down and she seems to not be hungry...........not judging but all of this weighs on me.

She texted me on Sunday morning and asked me if I was going to church. I told her I was and asked her to meet out front in the lobby after it was over. We did, chatted for a few minutes but you could tell it was very awkward for her. She stood with her arms crossed the entire time and sent me a text afterwards indicating that her talking to me in front of people that knew her story (being a widow) was good for her. She has been going to that church for many years so everyone knows her story and it is probably the first time they have seen her speak to another man.

Last night my oldest daughter had volleyball practice at the YMCA and she told me she was going to some aerobics class there. I initially had a blonde moment and did not put 2 and 2 together so when I arrived to drop her off I saw her checking her kids in. She did not see me but I was like crap.....so I shot her a text to let her know and then when I went back to pick up my daughter we ran into each other in the lobby made very brief small talk because our kids were around and then she sent me a text saying that was fun, I thought about hiding but didn't so that's good. I just responded back with a no hiding! I meant it as a joke but I know I should have validated however I feel like I have done a lot of validating with her already.

Obviously this is new to her but the lack of confidence is kind of a turn off as well. I know it's situational and she had no idea when she met someone that the person she met would go to the same church and live .3 miles from each other and could run the risk of seeing each other not dressed up but it happened. So there is this stuff coupled with her not overly engaging with me physically (I am sure she has not had sex with anyone since her husband died) and her making comments about still getting upset about him from time to time that just kind of makes it hard for me, giving me the impression that she is trying to move forward but all of these are firsts for her.

I understand firsts are going to happen but I guess a part of me feels like they shouldn't be so obvious. When we first met I was not also like overwhelmed with attraction. I don't sit there and stew about her all day long, wanting to plot and scheme to see her. I do think about her but it's not this toe curling experience where I can't wait until we are together again and I am fantasizing about tearing her clothes off, etc. etc. etc.

So all of this combined has made me just like....ugh, not fun. I am kind of stuck and I feel more pressure because of us having mutual friends and going to the same church.