Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Friends: Season 2--The air has cleared

I'm thankful I have not been fired for all the time I spend thinking about my marriage and reviewing this bulletin board.

(More thoughtful reflection to be added at a later time).

I am in agreement with Merrick on that one.

Hello my dear friends.

I have a whole host of things to grateful for.

S 19 he is a cutie.And he is tall so he can change a light bulb.

D17 She is becoming the woman I want to be. going into the air force to become a medic.

S16 who informed me justlast week I'm a arrogant Bi+ch.But most of the time he is sweet and he has good grades.

S14 he has a keen sense of humor.

D9 when she looks at me with her big gray eyes and tells me I'm the best mommy in the world I melt.

I have a job with people I like to laugh with.

I'm starting a new business.

I'm an incrediable cook.(did ya know that)

My cookbook collection (over 300 of them)

I have a home.this is a big one.I have never had a home of my own.Even as a child. I grew up in foster homes.

My roses are blooming.Even thought I cut them back way to much.

My own back yard.

My air cond. is fixed and it only cost 50.00

I'm going to the Bahamas this summer.

I'm the healthiest I have ever been in my life.I didn't die two year ago when by all rights I should have.

I was alble to pay all of my bills this month.I'm living paycheck to paycheck.

I have 4 sisters who would lay down their lives for me.

My mother still remembers my name.She has Alsehimer (spelling?)

I have a lot of new friends.

Hot showers.I think they are one of Gods best creations.

Good music.

Pool.
Beer.Southern comfort. goodness I hope I dont sound like a drunk.

Losing 17 pounds.I went from a tight 10 to a size five.
I call it the my husband left me for a fat red head diet.I wonder if that would make a good infomercial in the middle of the night.

A good joke.

American idol.

Law and order.

Star Trek (I know weird) Really I don't have a pocket protector.

Coffee.
peanut butter toast.

And last but not least my friends here on the board.

I could go on and on but I won't.

later Friends.
Briget

I, personally, am going to try to become gifted in playing Polyanna's "Glad Game" as in "isn't there anything to be glad about?"

To the compost heap with pity parties! (Really, I DO mean it!)

whoa - more good stuff. i like this positive trending, we rock ok, i'll bite:

i appreciate the fact that i'm surrounded by people who really care for me - my H, my mom, brother, other family members and friends

i appreciate the fact that i'm healthy, not broke, and on a journey toward wisdom (i hope)

i appreciate that i am in a caring online community where i get great feedback, and i have the opportunity to give back

i appreciate the fact that my H who continues some vague relationship with OW, is nevertheless confusingly loving toward me

i also predict that this thread will be locked by saturday morning slowly

Good morning all! (Ok, not morning for some???)

You've prob. all been over this a million times, but can some of you explain the reasons that you were crazymakers, what the payoff was, what you were trying to accomplish, and how you got over it?

Thanks!
karen812
Can I be Janice? (Chandler's x gf) ha ha ha ha

Quote:

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but can some of you explain the reasons that you were crazymakers, what the payoff was, what you were trying to accomplish, and how you got over it?

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My name is Meredith, and I am a crazymaker!!!

Crazymaking, also known as addiction to drama, was a way of life for me. My mother was a crazymaker before me, and I learned from her. My fear of abandonment causes me to attempt to control everything around me. My constant need for control causes me to look at situations from a black and white standpoint only. My perception of the world and people’s behaviors causes me to believe that if I don’t control what is happening around me, I’ll be left by everyone and have nothing. My need to control goes so deep that I will go to strange lengths to receive what I need from someone without directly having to ask for it. Since I’ve decided long ago that everyone has one foot out the door, I have a negative rather than positive perception on most situations.

A few examples of my typical crazymaking.

If I felt my H was drifting away from me, I’d start to hang on tight. Cling, if you prefer. I’d cling so tightly that he felt smothered. I would analyze EVERYTHING and decide that everything I found in my analysis was cause to believe that I was right, and he was leaving. Then, I used it against him. Added guilt to the mix. Then, tried to make him need me. In the process, I pushed my H farther away, which only made me do those things even more. Vicious cycle.

OR

If I were in desperate need of love and affirmation from my H, I’d pick a fight. Usually the fight centered on the things that I had done lately and how little he’d done in return. I’d do this hoping that he would say “oh Meredith, I love you so much and the last thing I want to do is hurt you”. Yeah, it never happened, but I always hoped it would. To me, picking this fight, crying, screaming, etc would make him see that he was lacking in the quality time or WOA department. It never did, which only convinced me that he didn’t love me. I thought that having to ask for things made them less special, but in truth, through fighting I was still asking for them (begging, actually).

OR

I’d view every single thing as a negative. If he was going out with his friends, I felt annoyed if we hadn’t spent much time together ourselves that week and that meant he didn’t want to be around me. Fight. If he was late he was disrespecting me and showing me that he didn’t care. Fight. If he forgot to balance the checkbook he was proving to me that the money I brought in didn’t matter to him and I was unappreciated. Fight. And most of these fights would be caused my me assuming that his actions were somehow done simply to tell me that he didn’t respect, love or appreciate me. And I went down fighting.

Those are few examples, but the main trait of my crazymaking days was that my fear would cause me to view things negatively and use anger as a manipulation for control. Everything had to be in my control and everyone had to fit the mold that I thought they should. Or else they were disrespecting me, didn’t love me or where leaving me.

Overcoming this was hard. First, I identified it through Betsey’s help. Then, I employed the overnight rule and hung the list of controlling behaviors next to my computer screen at work and on my refrigerator at home (this was at a time where H was never there). I made it a focus to eliminate all controlling behaviors from my daily life, and to STOP the fighting (eating fish, we called it). It was a conscious effort, and still is. Even last week I caught myself doing it. Sometimes, when my H does a really bonehead thing, I resort back to my old behaviors. The key for me now is to realize why I am angry. I have to decide if it because I was really disrespected and if so, then I have to decide how could I gain the respect in a way that would work (ie boundaries). The overnight rule works well here. IF you can remember to use it!

Hi Karen, (and everyone else)

You can be Janice, if you can laugh like her. I'm warning ya though, I can do this pretty well. Heck, you can be Rachel, as I have already maintained that I do NOT have the hair for it. Or Brad Pitt for that matter...

Anyway,
I'll try to answer your crazymaker question since I was once in your spot and needed to hear this.

For me, crazymaking is creating a whole lot of drama for the excitement of it. I think that I am easily bored by things, and I like them exciting. The biggest part of it though, is that I like A LOT of reassurances, and instead of going about getting them in a nice way, I tried to get them through scare tactics. You know, like when my H wasn't paying attention to me, instead of going to him and explaining how I felt, I would pull a

"I don't think we should be married"

right out of the blue. The poor guy never knew up from down.

It was horrifying to me when I realized what I was doing all of that time. In a nutshell, when I was crazymaking, I was doing the most unlovable things in order to try to feel loved.

Yeah, sounds dumb now, but manipulation was a way of life for me.

The payoff was that I got my non-communicative H to talk. If by "talk" I mean "argue!" The real payoff was that he hates to fight, so I got a lot of closeness after the big blow-up and drama. In my head, I was getting what I wanted. I didn't realize I was hurting him in the process.

Ending it? One of the big ones for me was when my youngest son yelled in anger, "I HATE YOU!" (As most kids will do from time to time). He came later to apologize, and I heard myself saying,
"You can't go around saying whatever you want and think that an apology will make it all better."

Lightbulb moment.

Words can be damaging. Sorries only go so far.

I didn't like myself when I was mean and hurtful. Oh, at the time my thought was, "No one can get anything over on me!"

Now, I don't care.

I can't change people, I can only change myself. They have to live with themselves, I don't. So, I surround myself with things I love, and I left the drama behind.

Life is much easier on this side of the fence, Karen!

O.k., now I will go think over my list, in keeping with the thread.

Before I go- I wanted to say that I loved your list Briget! You make me smile. And, JoAnne, it was good to hear from you again!!!!

Later, Friends! (sorry, Briget...stole that from you!)

And once again, Mer beat me to it, and was more eloquent!

What she said!!!

Yeah, what Pam said! I think I left out boredom in my long rambling post...and boredom is definitely a big part of the crazymaking cycle!

The only difference between my crazymaking and Pam's is that my H just turned off and made me feel like I was speaking (or screaming) at a wall. I never received the things I began the fight hoping to receive.