So, with that, here's the bad news; you're wife is having an affair.
I know. I think. I should have known the "friend" was more than a friend by all her behaviour around the "friendship", but what could I have done? Go all jealous wife on her? Surely, that would have just pushed her further and quicker?
And yeh, I know, I need to do a lot more things for myself, just struggling to see the point in all of it right now. I am trying, but it is so incredibly hard to function as a solo person after all this time. I feel like someone's ripped my right arm off and my heart out with it. I don't have a lot of friends, and certainly no close ones, they have all disappeared over the years, so she was not just my wife, she was my best friend (or so I thought), so losing that as well just [censored].
Cadet, thanks for that, there are a lot of things I have been wanting to do for a while but didn't as I knew she wouldn't like it or let me do it. A while back I floated the idea of doing some of them, not because I thought the relationship was on the rocks but because I wanted to get them out of my system so to speak so I wouldn't constantly dream about doing stuff. That now felt like the beginning of the end, as that seemed to have coincided with her making the "new friend" and eventually telling me we were over. So it's a lose lose situation, I tried to do things I wanted to do to make the relationship better, to then have more time for us, while she saw it as me wanting out and then getting out herself?
I don't think she thinks I am trying to manipulate the situation with my behaving like I am ok with this, I think she probably thinks I am actually ok with it and have realised the marriage is over. She probably thinks I have realised that it was all my fault for it being over and she was just the one to spell it out.
So yeh, I don't think there is much to be saved here, I just can't see how she would ever come to have feelings for me again, if she is so convinced they're gone (hers and mine).
1) Stop with the mind reading. You dont know what she thinks and reading the worst just isnt helpful.
2) How can you work towards having a PMA? Portraying a positive attitude breeds positivity.
3) Whether or not the divorce happens, you need to figure out how to be OK. Even if you dont agree to the premise, the reasons, the lack of compassion, any of it.....if it happens, you need to be OK. Thats what Steve is talking about....faking it until you make it to be OK. How is your GAL going?
Thanks for the tough love, Amoafwl, I need to hear that! :-)
You're absolutely right, I just need to keep reminding myself not to have any expectations and just look after myself.
GAL is not doing too badly, I have been out to the cinema and met up with a couple of friends over the weekend, I try to find reasons to leave the house. I work from home, so I naturally spend a lot of time in the house, and what with it being summer holidays, the WAW is in the house a lot too working from home. I got myself a car so I am independent of the joint vehicle and can go out as I please.
Cadet, thanks for that, there are a lot of things I have been wanting to do for a while but didn't as I knew she wouldn't like it or let me do it. A while back I floated the idea of doing some of them, not because I thought the relationship was on the rocks but because I wanted to get them out of my system so to speak so I wouldn't constantly dream about doing stuff. That now felt like the beginning of the end, as that seemed to have coincided with her making the "new friend" and eventually telling me we were over. So it's a lose lose situation, I tried to do things I wanted to do to make the relationship better, to then have more time for us, while she saw it as me wanting out and then getting out herself?
Nows your chance - DO THEM
On it, boss! :-)
Started with a nice new haircut, then onto finally seeing a physio about my gubbed elbow, currently flat hunting like crazy which is frustrating as there is so little about. I wish I was a bit braver and just widen my search circle, but I am afraid to move away from absolutely everything and everyone I know to end up in a place that I might not like and be even more alone. So renting something close by to start with, with a long term view to get my own campervan and travel the world. Or, well, at least Europe.
I just feel like no amount of awesome would make her come back so why bother trying. And then there is the thought that I don't even know if what I think is awesome is also what she thinks is awesome. So I might think I am doing great, going out, getting a life, being all together and what not, all the while she just sees me the way I have always been.
If no amount of awesome would bring her back, then that's out of your hands. Worry about what you can control. Nobody knows how awesome something is until they see it and realize it, that happens on it's own time.
You can't control her perspective, so you do the awesome for you, and if she notices then great. Fake changes are easy to spot anyways.
Quote
And yeh, I know, I need to do a lot more things for myself, just struggling to see the point in all of it right now. I am trying, but it is so incredibly hard to function as a solo person after all this time. I feel like someone's ripped my right arm off and my heart out with it. I don't have a lot of friends, and certainly no close ones, they have all disappeared over the years, so she was not just my wife, she was my best friend (or so I thought), so losing that as well just [censored].
The point is to enjoy your life!!!! You could die tomorrow so take advantage of this opportunity you have to make today worthwhile! It may be hard to function right now, but hard is not impossible - you can do it.
As for making new friends, go to meetup.com.
Also, you could go work out of a coffee shop or Panera. There will be people there, you'll be super mysterious in your new life, and you won't have to look at your W anymore. Sounds tempting to me....
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Also, you could go work out of a coffee shop or Panera. There will be people there, you'll be super mysterious in your new life, and you won't have to look at your W anymore. Sounds tempting to me....
That does sound like a good idea! Looks like I might be getting some alone time in the house with the dogs, she is off to see her mum in hospital next week! I did offer to look after "her" dogs so she doesn't have to take them with her, not sure if that was a good idea, as she could be cake eating, but she did look after mine when I had to be away for a week to come to terms with it all, and I don't want the dogs to suffer in all this, so I don't rightly care even if she is.
Next big challenge will be to find a place to live after this house, hate having to give up this perfect place so much.
Urgh. So the W has taken the dogs for a "day out to clear her head". I know she's gone to see the other one. I know it, and it's killing me. I am trying my hardest to GAL, to focus on myself, getting a place to stay and not think about what she's up to right now, but it hurts so bad.
I feel like I should have known when I met her, it's exactly the same situation, just that I am the one left behind now, not her ex. I could kick myself for falling for her, I wish I had never met her. At the moment, the whole 14 years feel like a big fat lie.
How do I get past this? I am trying to "fake it til I make it", but I've never been any good at faking anything, I always wear my heart on my sleeve and hate pretending.
Urgh. So the W has taken the dogs for a "day out to clear her head". I know she's gone to see the other one. I know it, and it's killing me. I am trying my hardest to GAL, to focus on myself, getting a place to stay and not think about what she's up to right now, but it hurts so bad.
I feel like I should have known when I met her, it's exactly the same situation, just that I am the one left behind now, not her ex. I could kick myself for falling for her, I wish I had never met her. At the moment, the whole 14 years feel like a big fat lie.
How do I get past this? I am trying to "fake it til I make it", but I've never been any good at faking anything, I always wear my heart on my sleeve and hate pretending.
It's not easy. Im not going to tell you how to feel because I know that feeling of not being able to breathe or think. Ill just let you know what worked for me:
- when I got into too much "thinking", I visualized a giant stop sign and all of those thoughts slamming into it. I also wore a rubber band on my wrist and snapped it every time my thoughts drifted.
- I went out and GAL'd as hard as I could. There were weeks where I wouldnt be home until after 11 every single day. Just trying to keep busy and keep myself occupied.
- I read and tried to give encouragement here. Positivity brought on more positivity and the thoughts of helping others was so beneficial.
- I set gals and made lists and tried to keep myself on task with what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.
The point? Keep your mind busy or your thoughts will wander into that dark place.
