Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still Moving (Saying ILY Pt 7)

Very well put, DB.. I couldn't have said it better...

Well... everyone says the MR is over when the LBS decides it is. I really think I've reached that point. No matter how much I wanted to make it work, I don't think it's possible. WW is a horrible person. Always has been really. I just tried to look past it, thought I could help/fixher, and stuck with trudging through $hit for years now because I thought it was the noble thing to do. People don't change. And when I say that I mean really change. I know there will be many of you that read this that will disagree and think, "Wait, mtb. Not true. I have changed!" Chances are you haven't. You were always a good person, but you just got off track for awhile and found your way back. You never really changed. On the other side of the coin, there are people like my W. Always $hitty people, but were able to try not to be every once in a while, fooling you in the process. Reality was, they never changed either. Don't get me wrong, I think it's possible for real change to occur, but only for a small percentage of people that put in the REALLY hard work...

That being said, I've reached a point by going through the DB'ing process where I have found myself again. I understand my value as a human being and respect my self worth enough to know what I deserve. And it ain't this. This whole time I've been worried about saving my MR for the kids, because it's the right thing to do, etc. But thanks to the book and this board, I've finally realized this whole thing was about saving myself for the kids, because it's the right thing to do, etc. I'm the only example my kids have in their life right now and I'm doing the best I can to make sure it's a good one. I would never want any of my kids to be in a relationship like the one my W and I had. They deserve better, and I'm going to raise them to understand that and to avoid ending up in a toxic relationship. Several posters on this board (especially Vanilla, thank you) opened my eyes to how abusive my relationship was. And this whole time I though it was my fault. Truth is, I could have been a millionaire supermodel that brought her breakfast in bed while doing backflips, and she still would have treated me like crap and convinced me it was my fault...

Oh, and let's talk about GAL... For any newbies reading this thinking GAL isn't that big of a deal... you're wrong. Two main reasons. 1) It gets your mind off your sitch. I can't tell you how many times I would just sit around feeling sorry for myself and my sitch. GAL allowed me to keep my mind occupied and in the process made it easier to detach and crawl out of the hole of depression. 2) It reminded me what life is supposed to be like. We're supposed to enjoy it, doing things we love with people we like. That no matter what happens in our sitch. Things will be OK and we can still live a happy, productive life...

So I guess my whole point of this post is that I'm done. I feel like I've been sitting in McDonald's eating a Big Mac. Got a few bites in and really liked it. A couple more bites in and I realized it was missing a patty. Halfway through it I found a long, dark hair. That's when I looked up and saw there was a high end steak house across the street and decided I deserved some prime rib. And the thing is, if the Big Mac would have been made right and didn't have hair in it, I would have happily finished it and been happy with my meal. Never even noticed the steakhouse across the street. But I think it's time for me to step out of my booth and leave this burger behind because no matter how hard i try. I'm not going to be able to enjoy the rest of the Big Mac and will end up disappointed if I do try to eat it all (probably end up with food poisoning too) So it's time for me to cross the street and get that prime rib...

Also, I think it's worth mentioning.... For anyone that has followed my sitch, there was a point in April when I had a job offer rescinded due to a Facebook issue. I had an account with a fake name and no pictures of me. One of the old profile pics was of a band and it had the f word on it. Someone called the superintendent of the school and informed him about the profile. He called me and asked if it was me. I wasn't going to lie, so I said yes. He informed me that he thought the old pic with the f word on it might offend some of the people in the community if they found out it was me. So 2 days before I was to be officially hired, he took back the job offer. My commute from work would have changed from 45 minutes to 5 each way, I would have had an automatic $8,000 increase in my salary, and was also going to be the soccer coach which came with a healthy stipend. Anybody want to guess who made the call? If you guessed WW, DING DING, you win! I always kind of assumed it was her because the call was made the day after we got our taxes done, and I refused to give her any of the money from my tax return. She was angry and this was her retaliation. Found out a few days ago from a mutual friend that she was actually bragging about it! How crazy is that? You think she'd be smart enough to keep her mouth shut, but no. Can't say I was surprised to find out, but it was nice to have my suspicion validated...

MTB, I feel like I've reached that point of being done today myself. I feel very similar to the way you do. I haven't had to deal with nearly the level of crazy interactions you have, but I think you have the right idea. I hope you can maintain this determination to move forward. Maybe things change some day, maybe they don't, but you are only in control of yourself. Good luck.

MTB. You have done an amazing job. The Big Mac analogy was quite fitting and amusing.
I had a very similar moment of clarity this weekend while talking with SIL myself.

I said something to the effect of "Why have i been fighting myself so hard to save something i know was screwed from the get-go? She doesn't have any true value, she only ever supported me to inflate her image online, she wastes what talents she does have by not using them, is petty and cruel to everyone, and ALWAYS has been. I was just blind for so long to how bad she treats everyone because i was the only one she was being nice to."

That realization that, the person you loved never changed, they just did a good job convincing guys like us that they weren't the person they really were, and the nice bubbly person is the real personality.

I spent months and months and months, wondering why she did this, how she could fall out of love, what changed, what I did wrong. etc etc etc. the list goes on forever.

But as you said, Neither one of us changed in the long run. We just finally saw eachother for who we are.
She saw me as someone who wouldnt keep my mouth shut and accept abuse my whole life
and i EVENTUALLY (like, very recently) saw that its not flawed pieces of her personality that caused this.
Her personality is fundamentally flawed.
So, she DID change, but she changed into the woman i came to "know" in order to be what she felt my ideal mate was.


I thought this realization would be so painful if and when it happened. It is cleansing, liberating and clean.

DB, I like this... And it's what I've told myself. Who knows what can happen. Anything is possible. W may someday derectumize her cranium and be everything I've ever wanted. Then again, maybe not. But thge only thing I can control is my journey forward...

Orange... I'm pretty sure our W's are twins that were separated at birth. The similarities are astounding. They always have been throughout both our sitches...

MTB i agree, there are a few differences but not many. I think the differences lie in the way they compose themselves and how they react to things. I think emotionally / disorder wise they are very similar, but they choose to react very differently.
Yours is volatile, reactive and angry, mine is cold calculating and manipulative.

I like the empowered mtb version! Keep it growing man!

Thanks, neffer!...


Also, a bit of an interesting update to my sitch...I guess I detached so hard yesterday that it sent detachment shockwaves through town and they shook the W. She showed up at the house last night at about 11:30. I was hanging out listening to records with a buddy, and some friends that were out for the evening sent me a message and wanted to stop by for a visit. These 2 friends both happened to be female. They get to the house, and come in and Friend 1 says, "Hey, your W is outside." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She says, "No. I'm serious. She's just out there sitting in her van." Still thinking she is joking, I go look outside, and sure enough, there's W sitting in the van. I go out there and ask her if she needs something. She asks if I'm having a party. I said, "Not really, buddy and I were just sitting around listening to records and a couple more people wanted to stop by for a bit to say hi." She asks, "Was that Friend 1 I saw go into the house?" I told her it was. Then she asks, "Who was that other girl?" I said, "That's Friend 2. So, did you need something?" She said she stopped by because she needed someone to talk to. The funeral for her friend that got hit by the train was that morning. She looked visibly upset. I told her I was sorry about her friend and how it must be hard for her. She then said she was gonna leave and let me go and asked if she could come by sometime in the next few days to see the kids. I told her that was fine and then she left. When i got back in, I checked my phone and there were 3 missed calls and 3 texts from her in about a 15 minute time span. 1st text - Can you come outside and talk? 2nd text - You're not bringing her around the kids are you? 3rd text - It would be nice if you could respond since we just talked. 1st text was before I went outside. Last 2 were from when she was leaving I guess. Overall, kind of a strange encounter. Although I am glad to say much less volatile than what she usually is like...

Obviously it bothered her that there were a couple women that stopped by the house to say hi. And apparently she thinks I am having some sort of relationship with one of them. I also think it's quite possible that she knew they were stopping by and that was her reason for showing up. The 2 friends were hanging out with a mutual friend that was also going to stop by but ended up not coming along. She is also one of W's friends/flying monkeys that likes to gossip with W and report to her whenever she sees me. My gut tells me that she called W when my friends parted with her to come to my house. They all showed up at roughly the same time. Anyway, it was a strange occurence that I thought I'd make note of...