i have made this observation in my almost 3.5 years following the situations on this board... LBSs tend to cycle... they come here, read advice, start to apply it... in some cases, they see early results, and then they cave... they give in to WWS or WAS... and they no longer follow the advice, and WWS or WAS pulls away again... then the LBS comes back here, seeking advice, tips, etc... applies it... and cycles... and each time he or she comes back, he or she is weaker... i saw it quite notably in PsySara, Cherry and Chris--as well as in others... it's maddening as an observer...
so much is the same as it was , but we had a pretty good 7 years before the company party thing happened and I was overall happy and accepting of the things I couldnt change. We all have those things in our M I think and ive accepted that my M is a little more challenging than most and I was doing ok. To be back in this position, this many years later is, just wow. On my old threads someone joked my then S4 might have a beard by the time H gets his act together. It was funny then. Now S4 is S17 and he has a beard and its not so funny
Still reading through everything.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/03/1811:55 AM.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
It is a longtime to spend in a loveless M Helena, if that is how you feel it has been, obviously you would be the better judge of it. In your heart you need to know you gave it your best shot, you made a mistake well hello you are human. Holding the guilt over you and punishing you by withholding love and compassion makes him just as much at fault. Bhappy has a good question for you, have you forgiven yourself? Do you think that you should be forgiven and hold H responsible if he has not done so? - arshi
Sorry you guys, I will respond specifically tomorrow. I have been reading these old threads nonstop, I am in disbelief. I feel like im reading about someone else except I remember it all like it was yesterday! My H was horribly abusive to me and everyone tried to tell me that and I just wouldnt see it. Bc like V says once you know it you cant unknow it and I still wanted to be with him so I couldnt know it. I am an emotional wreck right now, reading this stuff has been so hard but I cant stop!
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
I am sorry for where you are now Helena. Like bhappy says, have you forgiven yourself? You cant go on carrying that guilt from the past. It gives fuel to all of the aftermath.
My H was horribly abusive to me and everyone tried to tell me that and I just wouldnt see it.
i am so glad you said that... i have followed your situation this time around, and offered my two cents here and there... i came to a place where i could no longer offer my two cents because you and maybe one or two others would not take it for what it's worth--two cents... and honestly, i felt real anxiety reading your posts about your situation and reading your responses to those trying to help you...
during your current situation, i have come to regard your H as a horrible, awful person... and really, you do not need to hear that from me... he is your H and the father of your children... but reading your thread from several years ago, i now see your H as even more awful and horrible... he is not healthy, and now neither are you... and i know you think your children are not touched by your dysfunction, but they are... you really can't compartmentalize how your H treats you and his marriage, and how he treats his children... it all connects somehow... you cannot see it... but you will, eventually...
--artista--who is still hoping you will choose a healthy you, sooner rather than letting one more day go by, because do you really want to be here, in this same situation 9 years from now? that is what you are looking at... mis dos centavos... adelante...
Helena, wow that's crazy you found your old threads! If I were you, I'd ask myself if I want to let another ten years pass and be reading your current threads and still nothing has changed? Hopefully after your son graduates you can make changes to get relief for yourself. Perhaps you can keep planning for that time and preparing yourself to be independent again so you'll be ready when the time comes.
