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New update. Sandi2 any help here is appreciated.

Both last night and this morning i asked my wife to leave. Then i accidentally dialed her while she was driving to work and heard her crying. I told her that i had dialed her by accident asked what was wrong? And she just cried, and,cried, and cried. I didnt really know what to say, and then she asked if we could go see a councilor? I said that i would but only if there is complete honesty and transparency.

Sandi, we have discussed this previously and i looked at that thread earlier. Is it possible for her to express remorse and start tp move forward in a positive manner. Meaning her and i work togther for the benefit of our kids and we see wherr it goes? My concern is that she was just singing in the car on Sat in between texting him. Is it possible that she could have a moment of what the heck am i doing to my family and start to be remorseful and seek help? Or is this all a smokescreen to indulge her selfishness?

F,

It would be extremely rare to have a change of heart this fast. Proceed with caution.

She is crying with self pity.

I agree with LH, this isn't remorse or atoning.

I think before you agree to any MC, WW has to have IC, move out and prove that she has true remorse.

Reality bites.

V

I agree with LH and Vanilla, she was expressing some "poor me" is all. And worse yet she was doing it for your benefit, she kept you on the phone while she was crying on purpose and for full effect. She needs to start to feel true remorse before recon can happen and she's not there yet.

Keep your eyes open, try to see things for what they are, not what you want to see. She may have something up her sleeve.

Good luck! I hope it gets better.

Are you asking if it is possible, or if I think this is happening with her? I doubt any sudden moves the WW displays. I suspect she was concerned for one person....herself. I suspect OM didn't come through so fast, and she wanted to secure Plan B....just to be on the safe side. I suppose anything is possible.....unlikely, but possible.

I realize you are all about "family first", but your kids will soon be on their own and it will just be you and your W left together. If you don't have a relationship based on the love you have for each other......trying to have one just for the kids won't bring much fulfillment. IMHO, just "trying" to see where it goes.....is not a good recipe for success. I'll bet your wedding vows did not include the words "try" or "see where it goes". They were words of love and commitment. But, FWIW, I think I know what you mean.



I don't know what all was said in the conversation, but I feel it is very unlikely she was worried about her family. I think you are confusing her tears to mean remorse. First of all, I'd stake everything I own that she was not crying out of remorseful feelings or concern for what she was doing to her family. Asking you about seeing a counselor means absolutely nothing, other than she was securing her position in the M.

I strongly caution you about trusting anything sudden in her. I am not saying she will never experience feelings of remorse. I'm saying I highly doubt it is currently happening. You see, it usually requires the WW experiencing significant consequences before she starts to even get serious about ending her affair and staying in the M.

She has the ability to make right/moral decisions, even if her emotions do not want to cooperate. Therefore, she has the ability to end her affair, never contact OM again, cooperate in a transparency plan, conduct herself in a respectful manner, attend counseling, etc. She can do all these things without feeling remorseful. It's just better if she does feel remorseful.

I want you to understand her actions do not have to coincide with feelings of remorse. I hope & pray she will have genuine remorse. It makes it so much better! If she is remorseful, you should be able to see and hear humility in her. She should be telling you how sorry she is for betraying you. She should be willing to do whatever is necessary to atone for her behavior.

I don't want to confuse you. I just don't want you to think that her crying meant she was remorseful. For her to go from singing & texting OM one day, to her being completely remorseful and wanting to work on the M the next day......would be very exceptional for a WW, from all that I have ever read.

I believe remorse is one of the main ingredients necessary for the LBS and the WW to heal. IMHO, her willingness and cooperation is the most important key to get on the road to recovery. Sure, it would be wonderful if she felt remorse.....just like it would be fantastic if her loving feelings returned. Realistically, her actions are more important. The feelings will catch up. It may even take counseling, in order for her to let go of her resentment. I don't believe she'll feel remorse, as long as she resents her him....b/c she'll feel justified in her disrespectful behavior/betrayal. Remorse and justification does not go hand in hand.

Does any of this make sense? Step carefully, and don't trust her at face value.

Sandi2, it makes sense. But im a little confused on the last paragraph? Are you saying that the remorse is not vital initially if she shows a willingness to seek help and is committed to restoring the m?

My gut tells me that this is all fake and that she was acting to suit her own agenda. Even yesterday my w seemed more concerned about not having a spying device in her car than my daughters tears and questioning her behavior. I dont think she can be totally consumed with om and work on fixing our relationship at the same time. The om has to be out of the picture correct? And im only,talking theoretically...i would bever go along with an open m!!!!

Expressing remorse is different from feeling it.

Actions that create connection and repair are vital as it is atoning and making shift.

V

She has o have no contact all with OM. She may still be obsessed and want contact but NC and telling him to go away and she is repairing her M is vital.

Eventually her attraction for the OM will die.

There has been on the board WW who are attracted to OM who aren't interested and even to fake OM and once a picture of someone they saw.

This stuff is crazy loco sometimes.

V

I guess that depends on what you think. Is that OK with you if the OM is still around?

What sandi meant by the last paragraph is that normally, actions are result of feelings. But it also works the other way, that if we do a certain action, we get a certain feeling. If your W "goes through the motions" that the feelings will follow. That's why it's important that she performs the actions for now.