Funny you mention that video title. I have recently been thinking about a song by the 80s band Dokken that perfectly sums up the concept of detachment.
"Breaking The Chains" by Dokken
Sit there thinkin' In your room You feel the pressure You're goin' crazy too The walls around you Closin' in You need a change Claustophobic Feelin' scared You need somebody But no one seems to care A one way ticket A change of pace You've had enough Can't take no more Breaking the chains around you Nobody else can bind you Take a good look around you Now you're breaking the chains Got this letter Came today From my baby Who left me yesterday Said she loves me She'll come back She wants to try I won't let her She'll be upset I know it's better Than somethin' I'll regret She's been dishonest And insincere I lost my mind Twenty times a year Breaking the chains around me Nobody else can bind me Take a good look around me Now I'm breaking the chains Woke up today I'm alone I look around But baby you were gone But I don't mind And I don't worry I will survive I'm alone Now that you're gone Don't need nobody To hold or tie me down I broke the chains So let me be I've gotta be free
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
bummer when the good times come up in your mind. Im not missing her, but just had a happy memory of an inside joke between WIFE and I.
It's just tough to imagine that was all phoney. I know the jokes and good times were real in the moment, but there was never a true commitment, never a true R.
Still, i feel clean and resolved. I know happy memories will pop up from time to time, and I will have to watch them float by, knowing they werent REALLY real.
I am still amazed by how much denial the WW, and Mine in particular are capable of. I literally cannot wrap my head around how someone can re-write history and blameshift to the degree Ive seen WIFE do it, as well as other WW's here on the board.
How in hell do they think that it will ever sustain? The truth always comes out, I understand WHY the WW will re-write history, lie and deny.
But HOW they can do it, and believe it, boggles my mind. lol
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Definitely boggles my mind too how people can continue doing this for years and years. My mom has narcissistic personality disorder (not diagnosed but only thing I can think of to explain her life and what she's done), and she has been operating like this her WHOLE life. I can't even begin to tell you how many lives and relationships she's destroyed and how low she's sunk in her actions - it's really revolting.
That was a side note. What I wanted to tell you is this - WS/WW never anticipate how this is going to come back to bite them. Years from now, when your son is older, he will have questions and he will know that his dad was a stand-up person with integrity. He will question his mother and she'll have to face the music. And she hasn't lost him now, but she may lose him in the future. This is what they don't think about or anticipate - the long term view of their actions.
I know this from first hand experience as I had to cut my mom out of my life once I knew all the truth and the damage she had done to me and everyone I loved.
So, it will come for her, but just not in your timeline.
That is very revealing of you to share. thank you. Yea, its hard to imagine that they continue to do the same things over and over again and still play the victim and pretend like its everyone else's fault.
Do you think that having a (likely) NPD mother lead you to having any co-dependency issues, or contributed to any NGS?
How old were you when you finally saw your moms true colors? Im so sorry you had to live with that for so long. My son having to deal with that is whole life is a frightening prospect.
Considering she has never held a Job, (She had 4 in our 5 year R)
Boyfriend/Husband, New one every 3-5 years
Friend - Has ZERO friends that shes known for more than a year. All her old "Friends" were discarded with me.
or even a personal hobby (used to paint and draw, is really good at it, doesnt do it anymore. Used to Sing and write, sings beautifully, doesnt do it anymore. BEGGED me for a $550 camera, doesnt use it anymore)
I imagine I will see some form of it in my timeline, but i wont care. As long as she isnt emotionally abusing S3. Ill be on that like white on rice if she ever starts up with him when he grows into individuality. Ill feed her to a ravenous pack of lawyers and judges if she starts manipulating our child for supply.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
O - I'll write a detailed response to your questions because I think it's important for the well being of your son if you W has narcissism issues. From what I have read of her and what you just described in the last post, it seems to fit the bill.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
These are from the Diagnostic Criteria as recognized by the American Psychiatric Society - DSM-5- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders.
NPD The definition of NPD states that it comprises of a persistent manner of grandiosity, a continuous desire for admiration, along with a lack of empathy. It starts by early adulthood and occurs in a range of situations, as signified by the existence of any 5 of the next 9 standards (American Psychiatric Association, 2013):
1. A grandiose logic of self-importance Wife never outwardly did this, but it is evident in the way she talks down about other people, as if they are lesser.
2. A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love Idyllic Love, Beauty, and Control. All Day
3. A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions See answer #1
4. A desire for unwarranted admiration This is a BIG one for her, whether it is negative attention from a confrontation, or positive attention from IG posts and things like our wedding photos and whatnot, she is a bonifide attention Whoar.
5. A sense of entitlement Yes, Most certianly
6. Inter-personally oppressive behavior I think i am 110% living proof of this, plus her EX's and all the "friends" she has treated like trash over the years.
7. No form of empathy Yea, this one is OBVIOUS
8. Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her Again, YES ALL DAY
9. A display of egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes. Yes, Yes and Yes.
The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose borderline personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:
A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:
1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):
a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress. Yup b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans. Also this (See Previous Post) AND
2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):
a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities. I think she can RECOGNIZE them, but doesnt FELL others feelings. She cant comprehend what it feels like to be on the recieving end of her BS, but she knows she does it and inflicts pain.
b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal. Again, yes she exhibits this. Not as strongly as others, but the abandonment thing gits home, same with Idealization and Devaluation
B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains:
1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:
a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances. Yea, She is either BRIMMING with bubbly happiness (be it fake or real) or she is cold, quiet and brooding. No middle ground
b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control. She literally said months ago AND yesterday that "being around you makes me wracked with anxiety OrangeK, I cant be myself around you" as opposed to how i "Made her feel so safe" when we first met.
c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by - and/or separation from - significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy. Fears rejection, Yes certainly. She wont even order a pizza or talk to a customer service person. Shes that self critical. the seperation anxiety, kinda, she CANNOT be single, so theres that. Plus she is very dependand on her source to provide, she is lazy and doesnt adult well. I always paid the bills, booked appointments and so on.
d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior. Once we were married, she hit a depressive state and stayed there for months, until she met OM. I had become valueless, and she had no replacement lined up, so this depressed her immensely. I think New Years Eve 2016-2017 was a big moment of realization for her, she decided THAT NIGHT she was just bored, and done. Never looked back.
2. Disinhibition, characterized by:
a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress. I think her meeting OM and jumping right into bed and a R with him, and the cheating on me 3 weeks after our wedding, at her friends wedding is evidence enough of this. Plus leaving home immediately without considering the financial, emotional, logistical or developmental impacts this would have on S3, Herself and Me.
b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one's limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger. Sexual Risk Taking, See above
3. Antagonism, characterized by:
a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults. I think ive shown this enough in my posts.
b. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual's personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations. Hmm. cant say much on this one
c. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual's personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual's developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.
d. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual's personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma). She doesn't use drugs (that i am aware of) and has never had a TBI.
--------------------------------------------------------------- I put BPD and NPD on here as both conditions are often co-morbid and share a great many traits. They often go hand in hand, as these are specturm disorders, each persons place on that spectrum is unique to them.
I am not a psychiatrist, or a psychologist, and WILL NOT directly assume my wife is diagnose-able with either or both of these conditions. Making medical assumptions is a slippery slope.
That being said, it is often pretty easy to identify these traits, and certainly in someone you have been married to and lived with.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
