Hey b, what I found worked for me was to set up some sort of routine with some open time to try or do new things. I find if I can keep my mind and body active it has less chance to wonder what W is up to. Practice self compassion where you focus on all aspects of your health- Spiritually, Mentally, Intellectually and Physically. Last piece - I think you said you were a believer- Strengthen your walk with God. Put your trust in God. With God ALL things are possible. When things look troubled I simply remember Romans 8:31 "If God is for us, who can be against us?" - Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thank you Wfl for your comments. Work actually allows me too much time to think on my sitch AND frankly coming to this site many times ramps up my anxiety even when I take comfort in the words and shared experiences of those here.
I have not intentionally thought to work on myself in the way you describe but I am doing so.
W is on a trip and seemingly happy as can be while I the left behind will go see my L for a D that I do not want. Our places should be reversed. I know that God is with me and will never forsake me but right now I struggle mightily. Perhaps I am mistaken in my stinky thinking on how W is doing anyway.
One day I will clear through this depression and life will be good again. It seems like a terrible long road from now though. I truly feel all hope is lost and the thought of ever wanting to start over I simply CAN NOT see that after the decision W has made.
W has few likes and many dislikes, is passionate and sees things only in black and white...She is always right, never apologizes and never displays affection such as even a hug to family members.
Originally Posted by ballast
W is...seemingly happy as can be
Is the description in the first quote consistent with someone who is "happy as can be?"
You said that W was not like this prior to having your daughter. Prior to having your daughter what was she like? What changed and what did not?
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Met with IC today. I'm struggling. IC told me in all of her years of counseling couples she had never had a couple in which the two of them had not once spoken on the phone or in person regarding their separation/R.
As I left IC said to me "I think your W's best shot at being happy in an R was with you". On the one hand W projected all of her anger/resentment onto me so I embody that and yet now I was W's best chance at a happy marriage?
I'm sorry I'm here looking for support. I'm trying my best to stop thinking of W and detach from her, but yet she is off on a trip and I'm just spinning my tires so to speak. IC said my W desperately needs the trips as that is the only way she can shake free of any and all responsibility and run away from her life. Sorry folks it's like I married the most emotionally locked up woman whom I LOVE, I'm the "cancer" that she has extracted from her life as the IC puts it, but the real cancer continues within her as she is unhappy with herself oh AND I'm the best chance she has at being happy in an MR. So I'm her cancer and she's losing her "savior" at the same time.
I need to get my head sorted out. I'm like 4 months after we split and I am better, but God when will I finally and truly clear this woman from my head!??! To love her as I do, have her just walk away, not talk to me at all...IC says its clear she has not emotionally detached from me...I'm sorry to be rambling...just want this to end...
ACC...no that is NOT consistent with someone happy as can be.
Most of what I described of W was consistent pre and post D arrival, BUT she/we had no responsibility. We could come home, have dinner if we wanted or go out and could take off and travel whenever, wherever. We made great money, lived in a modest condo...we had total flexibility and beyond work no responsibility. Once W was pregnant that whole world came to a stop, no going out, no travel, weight gain, body image, pregnancy was tough physically. Fun, carefree was replaced with body image issues, responsibility, no fun (we did travel more as time went post-D). Basically W lost being the carefree women who could do whatever she/we wanted.
Journaling a bit...W is still off on a vacation while I'm having a great long time of having our D. Getting ready to head out in fact for some more fun with her and one of her aunts.
The strangeness of my continuing to live the life of a responsible parent, happy father while W is off doing who knows what with who knows who. As I've said many times I have no idea of an OM/EA/PA but W just has to be WW. I can't wrap my head around her believing what she is doing is normal, BUT from what I know of WW mindset it seems par for the course.
Last couple of days I've been thinking about my last posts, how one sided against the W they sound. I've been spending alot of time thinking of what I did/didn't do in the MR. Now perhaps that's because since W won't really open up, I'm maybe trying to get closure by taking all the blame, BUT I am trying to be at least honest on what I perceive as my parts in her unhappiness might have been. I was reading the 5 love languages. I would say I'm mostly Words of Affirmation/Physical Touch. I'm guessing that W might be Acts of Service and Quality Time. I got to feeling like I totally failed her. My acts of service were always on my timeline and quality time...again after our D went down at night, I very rarely went up to be with her, BUT I thought I was giving her time to herself. Then I got spinning on when did I last kiss/hug her. I stopped myself quickly on that though as I always wanted to kiss her each morning before work, but she constantly seemed to be bothered by my doing so, hugging...honestly can't recall. Thing is I could beat myself up, but W NEVER tried to kiss me or hug me nor did she ever try to come and spend quality time with me. This exercise taught me that yes I could have done things better, I would love to do so now with the benefit of hindsight but I guess that ship has sailed. Thing is it takes TWO to make this MR work and W never sought to kiss me, hug me or spend quality time with me. For all of the failures I feel in myself, W never did any of those things towards me either.
Why did that happen? Hate to say it but birth of our D. We simply placed our MR on the back burner and did not communicate with each other exactly what each of us needed. I feel VERY VERY sad to say that. I especially beat myself up because I always loved her...why did I not keep it up to the degree that I needed to do in order for us to make our marriage work? I would have done ANYTHING for our marriage, family, her happiness! Again I know...I couldn't have done it all by myself. Sorry if this is a ramble...time to head out with D.
Hey b, we have all contributed to the downfall of our M. Some more than others. Good thing here is that you have come to a realization of what those are and now can actively work on being better should the opportunity arise. With any relationship after the honeymoon phase things become less intense and we often fall into habitual routine. Often times we take each other for granted. I am guilty of this also. The purpose of this self reflection is to find the kinks in the armor. Repair them - then polish it up turning that weakness into strength ready for battle. No need to beat yourself up over this but show some self compassion by understanding it then positively moving forward. I hope this helps. Blessings on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
It's great that you are enjoying your vacation. As much as possible you should concentrate on that, and on your D. Those are indelible memories that you are making. Cherish them.
In terms of making mistakes in the MR, LoneWolf is spot on. None of us are perfect. It is good to reflect on what you could do better in any future relationship with WW or anyone else. That sort of honest reflection is the only path to growth. It is easier for most people to simply pass off the blame (like our spouses) to the other party. But how do you then learn how not to repeat the same mistakes? I became highly codependent and lost my sense of self, and ceased to be the person my W fell in love with. Right now I am trying to figure out the steps to avoid that in the future. The 5 love languages is a good book to read as well.
That said, you cannot beat yourself up for those mistakes. We are all human and therefore imperfect. Moreover, we are not the ones who ended the relationship rather than communicating and making honest attempts to rectify the problems. Self-compassion is a hugely important part of self-esteem. Don't hold yourself to a standard of perfection, you wouldn't hold anyone else to that standard, certainly not someone you love. Treat yourself with the same compassionate love that you would someone dear to your heart.
Good to hear from you again.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Wlf and Davide thank you for your comments and support. Self compassion is definitely something I'm struggling with. I know that I'm a good man and never intentionally did anything to harm my MR or my W. The most difficult part for me is that my W will not communicate nor even want to try and save our relationship. I mean if you "played the whole game" and it fails then at least you tried everything. For W to "walk off the field" in the middle of the 2nd quarter and say she's done...very painful.
Today is the last day for W's trip. I've prayed to God nightly to let me sleep throughout. If I wake up 2am my mind panic attacks me on is she safe, is she with someone, all that stuff. It is very surreal to be home with D, putting her to sleep, doing all of the wonderful father duties while her mother is who knows where, drinking at a bar with other men hitting on her? That behavior is NOT normal. How does it seem that all of my other friends on FB have happy families with wives who want to be mothers, yet my W takes off every month for a week to get away from all responsibility? It's telling to me that instead of a picture of D or W with D, W's profile pic is her laying out at a pool bar. It seems so MLC like...I just don't get it.
The last day of having my D is always SO bittersweet. Throughout the day I constantly tell her I love her, kiss her, admire her. Life is so precious and feeling like I'll miss half of her life in the future...there is no great pain/mental torment I can think of. For those of you who have done this for much longer than myself...PLEASE tell me this gets easier! Have a fun filled last day planned with her. You are all in my prayers. I pray God brings comfort and a positive week to each of you!
Splitting time with kids gets easier in the sense that you accept the routine. I dont think I will fully be ok with losing half of my time with them. But I make my time with them glorious and when they are away, I do self care and make sure I am working to be the best person I can be for them and every other relationship in my life. It is grossly unfair but you can do something about it - love the time with them and dont waste a second.
