Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Can I really do this #4

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ cheese less tunnels. You've got to stop this type of thinking right now. It shows on you, which is not attractive to your family. The entire family is depressed, and needs something to inspire them. Something like moving to a new location.

I think you really must stop thinking about the move as a solution for the MR. It may open doors that offer those solutions, but I get the sense you want her to commit before leaving for the new place. I just don't think she will succumb to you emotionally pressuring her about the MR. If you will treat her like a partner or teammate, and stop being uptight about her and the MR.......she might actually start becoming excited about living in a new location. This move may be just the right distraction she needs. However, if you are in the background wringing your hands and showing the urgency on your face, and pressing her for a commitment..........you stand a good chance in losing this opportunity. I couldn't remember, but She is still sleeping in your bed, so don't change it. Leave it be.

You want everything resolved and hear her say she is committed to staying in the M, before making the move. I get it, but I just think it will be too much emotional pressure. It might kill her excitement/pleasure of new things to come. I think if the move totally hinges on her decision to reconcile........she is going to add this to her string of other resentments, and D14 will, as well. So, please.......please be careful and don't pressure her. Give her time to mull it over. You could kill this dead, if you push about the R.

You did the right thing by telling her in advance and giving her a sense of partnership in making the decision together. It was a good move to include D14 and see how she felt about it, too.

I won't say no WW wouldn't take advantage of this situation, but I can't help but think your W knows perfectly well that you want to keep your family in tact. Yes, there is always a chance she might bolt later down the road. Nobody has guarantees. It's a chance. But I think it may be a better chance, than you have staying in your current location. If she didn't jump up and immediately tell you nothing would change in the relationship.........that tells me she was excited about moving to a new place. Like I said, it could have some healing value in it, at least enough to get you on friendlier terms. When she gets there, she could have a whole new change of attitude.

You were excited, too, about the idea of a fresh start. Go with the move, and let them feel excited and happy. Don't lay down the law and say how it's going to be once you get there. Wait and see how this moving experience affects the family........bringing everyone together, sharing new plans, adventures, etc. Feeling a spark of life and happiness is good medicine for what ails the soul. Living with depression is hell on everyone in the family. If you bring up M talk, I think you'll ruin it before it gets off the ground. Please, no R talk.

I hope & pray this will be a new lease on life for everyone.

Thanks Sandi!
Again your insight is greatly appreciated.
Cheeseless tunnels is correct.

I was thinking in my head more about the commitment prior to the move, but I see your thought on how this can improve our R (whether we remain together or not) and the overall family psyche as to looking forward to the new "lease on life" for everyone!

I will get out of my head and hopefully out of my way. This is an exciting time and opens a ton of possibilities! You are so correct in that I can bring the dark cloud over it, or be in charge of the clouds parting for our future. Not saying it would be all roses and rainbows, or that we would end up together, but the longer she is in our bed, the longer she is at home and if we all move together, I agree the better chance things have of us working as a team and eventually her seeing me as a spouse she would never want to leave!

Nothing really to report. Just kind of journaling for a moment.

Working on my relationship with my D. We have talked a few times this week and do have some plans this weekend so I am hopeful that we can work at rebuilding this as time goes by.

W was having some issues yesterday. I don't know what they were, but her and the kids went just on a brief errand and she put some stuff in the crock pot for dinner, but then my D said she fell asleep on the couch around 3. She slept for 4 hours. Was very groggy for the rest of the evening and then barely got up right when I was leaving this morning. She didn't comment too much when I just asked how she was. She merely stated that she was just exhausted and wiped out.

For me, worked out this week, lots going on. Still way too much in my head and worried about what W is thinking and how this will all work out. I remember Steve reminding me that limbo is the gift of time, so I am taking this as another week that we are still in the same house together, sleeping in the same bed and are decently polite to each other. We even had the issue of pulling together and being united and even agreeing on a big issue with our D so that was great in my book.

This morning is weird though. I glanced at my W as I came back into our room after my workout to get ready for work. She was still sleeping at that moment. Love and sadness fell over me at the same time. I love this woman with all my heart. I can't say that to her right now. She knows. Not that she cares right now either, but she knows. Headed toward the weekend, and even looking at a holiday week, I am not dreading it as much as I used to dread the Friday evening drive home prior to the weekend and "what is going to happen". If something happens, I will deal with it properly. Goals are to get some stuff done around the house, GAL, and hopefully get out and do something with the kids. W is always invited and not a passing thought, so if she comes then great. If not, she gets some time to herself.

Too soon. You've got to see solid indications from your W that she is interested in recon first. She's still two feet out the door though.

Question for you, how important is this job offer to you? If it's something you really want, you might pitch the idea to her of W moving there as well, but separately from you. I realize there are financial implications but if you really want/need this new job then it's a way to make that happen without putting R pressure on her. She wants a "fresh start" anyway, so maybe pitch it to her as a way for you to have this new job and her to get a fresh start while maintaining the convenience of joint custody of the kids. It just seems like she hates the idea of moving somewhere else with you when what she really wants is out, but at the same time you don't want to get stuck not being able to relocate because of her.

AS.

Job offer is important. After the financial crisis in 2015 and losing everything, just for my own self-esteem and getting back to being a better provider for my children (we are not destitute and I am working now just not close to the level we were or my capabilities). Is it as important as keeping my MR and family together. Not even close. BUT, if W sees me being more successful and moving on, this is good in the GAL category. I am not dwelling on the past loss and my anger from that is gone.

My thoughts is that I have always been happy where I am as long as my family was there. Family makes a house a home. We have moved a few times over the years and always had the adventure and fun along with the exhaustion of moving. Problem was, the last time we moved is when we lost our home so it wasn't a good adventure.

I know at present she wants out. I can't afford to pay for 2 homes (it would be 3 for a short time with the lease termination). She doesn't have a job so she would have to live with me. Sandi had mentioned this earlier in proposing it to her and then commented that it might seem very pressuring to get back into the MR as the only choice. BUT, why would I pay to have us all move to a new city, pay for her to live with me and the kids (again no job, income and I can't pay for everything)? Wouldn't this be totally enabling her to cake eat all along the way, bide her time and bail when she wants? My thoughts are that she would have to move at least towards the possibility of working on our MR because the last thing you need during a move (and they are so expensive anyways) is to have bad emotions and fighting involved. If we are all on the same page, moving forward, fresh start, etc. That would be totally different.

JS, LBHs are free to make whatever decisions they want. However, you do need to do it with eyes wide open. Taking a job in the other city and expecting your W to move there, together, as a family, is pursuit. It doesn't exert pressure. Just be aware that the results of that may be for her to head for the hills.

If that is a calculated risk you are willing to take, then go for it. But be prepared for any outcome. Do not put your eggs all in a single basket. Have a Plan A, B and C!!

You pay for yours. How she pays for hers is her business. That's how S and D works. She doesn't get to have it both ways (live apart without the responsibilities of paying bills).



Not true. If you separate then where she lives and how she pays for it is not your concern. You've got to quit thinking in those terms and start thinking about what is best for YOU and leave her ALONE to figure out her stuff.



Again, you are misunderstanding. I said present to her the possibility of her moving to the new town as well (but not with you), I DID NOT say anything about funding her move, paying for her new place, etc. She told you she was going to get a loan from daddy so she can move out, well what does it matter if she moves to a place in that town or the new one? Same difference financially. Maybe if she moves she can find a new job just like you are doing.



I think you are trying to use this as an excuse to force her to work on the M. That will not work.

sorry my previous message should have said "It DOES exert pressure."

AS & Steve,
Just to clarify. This was her ask.

I was kind of going on Sandi's advice and her convo that it would be almost impossible to do separately (financially only at this point)

I realize this is exerting an enormous amount of pressure for her to get back into the MR. I am not using it as an excuse to get her back in. I am merely stating that if she wants to relocate out of a city that she "hates" that at the present time, I could make that happen, but only if we were working together to make that happen. It would be easier, cleaner and cheaper if we would work together as a team to get this done. The other alternatives are that we remain in a city that she "hates". That she funds her own relocation. Either is only my problem as it relates to how we are going to co-parent if we S and D. I don't know how this all works since I've been employed since I was 14, but how does someone qualify to rent a property with no income? And yes, I realize "not my problem" except that if she can't end up moving, I have leased a place in another city, they it just gets uglier as far as custody, kids, schools, etc.

She did send me an email earlier stating she tried to set another mediation appointment and they cancelled/deleted that one as well. I didn't, but almost responded that "I think someone is trying to tell you something".

Just to recap. I know it is pressure. The job is a good opportunity for myself and my kids (W is of course considered if she is in the MR). How do I proceed with this?

Weekend update:

Mostly a quiet weekend. W is having some kind of "bug" she said for her health issues (hence the 4 hour nap on Thursday). She was on the couch most of the weekend, but did get outside for 45 minutes for a walk on Saturday. That knocked her out for the rest of the day and for Sunday as well.

We didn't talk much, watched a little tv together. I did some housework and the kids pitched in a ton so very proud of them! We got a lot done and I told them how much I appreciate them.

I did do a little bit more for my W this weekend due to the health issue to make her a little more comfortable. I would have done that for any house guest, so I didn't feel I was doing anything "wrong" in the db'ing sense.

Going to bed last night, I always reach my hand over to help her into bed. Bad back/neck issues and the bed is fairly high off of the ground. I just haven't gotten out of the habit for some reason, but she hasn't grabbed my hand for help in 2 months. Last night she did. Also, I always let her know when I am leaving in the morning and to have a good day. She usually responds with "you too". Today it was a full sentence "I hope you have a good day too".

Nothing major, nothing minor. I am just working on myself to get out of my own head. I have to constantly remind myself that there is nothing that I can do outside of db'ing that will wake her up. She has to wake up, get out of the fog, or whatever by herself. Unfortunately I think this is going to be a bit of a tough week. Slow at work due to the holiday and then of course Wednesday off for the holiday. What do we do as a family? We usually go to a friends home and watch the fireworks from their backyard with a nice backyard bbq party. REALLY don't want to do that yet as I think that would be way too much pressure on all of us. But what do we do? Anything? I guess time will tell. I will ask the kids what they would like and W as well.

W slept ok, but she looked exhausted when she got up this morning. I am working on my own stuff. Looking, hoping, praying and having faith that somehow WE can work together to bring our MR back together and be better than ever. I know this is way too soon to think like this, but how do you keep yourself from these thoughts?