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While I was away, I was reading your posting and really thinking about it.

I know how important it is to you to have someone with strong values. But there are values that extend upon believing in monogamy and not leaving your family. Kindness and they way you treat people I think are amongst some of the most important values. If you feel he is not treating you kindly and respectfully, well, then he lacks those values.

I was with my ex for about 9 years and he devalued me often. I couldn't do anything right in his eyes, I did everything to avoid his criticism and I became resentful. I now watch it happen to my poor daughter. I picked her up from her dad's one day and he asked if I was going to CVS if I could have D10 pick up a birthday card for her grandmother. As we are in the store, she is looking at cards and told me she was scared she was going to get the wrong one because daddy never approves of anything she choses. I know this as a fact. I lived it.

I can only tell by what you write here about the guy, as I do not know him. But just because he has family values, doesn't mean he has all values. ANd it is ok for you to want more compatibility and respect from a partner. You aren't married to him, you are dating, and this is where you find out if you want to continue to seriousness. Because I know that you are a fiercely loyal person and you have many values and morals, and I don't know that if you got to living together or marriage, you wouldn't leave because you are an amazingly loyal and moral woman. So I would hate to see you in that position. Especially the one where you aren't comfortable in your skin and walking on eggshells and doubting yourself.

because just as you are, you are an incredible woman and mother and you should carry that with pride.

Thank you ginger.

I ended up sending him a text and it just went really bad. I felt like he was missing the picture.

He seemed to focus on the fact that i messed up by sitting on the bench which he claimed was 30 feet away, i estimated at 10 feet instead of waiting for him, that i didnt work as a helpful member of the team with him because i asked the wrong people for directions...

He didnt hear me saying that i dont want to argue and justify myself for sitting on a bench or asking the wrong for directions.. that the point was that he talked down to me.

I felt like he was deflecting and changing the argument to the things that upset him enough to get snarky.

I think at 10 months on a romantic trip, to get snarky and annoyed with me is a huge red flag.

Gigantic red flag.

He is treating you as if you were a guy mate. Not a girlfriend.

As if you were a male team competitor.

Likely he hasn't learned how to relate to women.

V

Juju, reminds me of a gal I went out with after my exw and I split up. This girl and I went out on a few dates, had fun together and she was dying to go up to these ice caves for a night. It's a drive, so we were going to just get a hotel room when we got there and drive back the next day. It was a little too soon to really do a trip like this, we were still at the getting to know you stage in our relationship. I figured having 4 or 5 hours in the car could be a great time to get to know one another better...I was wrong. By the time we got to the hotel, I wanted to run. She was very opinionated on everything that you could be. Gone was the quiet shy girl that I had found endearing and instead I was with a person who was essentially all the hosts of the View rolled into one.

I spent that day, night and car ride home in shock. I think she sensed it wasn't a good fit either, we talked a few times after we got back but drifted apart.

To me, what happens often, especially when people are getting out of a long term relationship without their say, we settle. Or we try to fluff up whomever comes around because we do not know how to be alone. It is a scary feeling to be single when you don't want to be. Frankly, I have been there. It's like we have a void that we are trying to fill and the only way we know how is to put someone else into that void, regardless of compatibility. Either way, sorry to hear about it. Hope you are doing well otherwise.

Some good stuff being said here, as usual. I wouldn't look at the lack of texting as a bad thing, personally I see it as a positive. After my small toe dipping into dating I realized anything I wanted in the future wouldn't involve heavy texting. I enjoy my independence too much and have too much going on to be that involved in my phone. If I text with someone too much it also takes away the excitement of getting to know them in person, which I prefer. I get it can feel like a precursor to them not being interested, but try to flip the script in your head and realize that's not the only meaning, sometimes it's just them feeling things out and living their life. Give him time and let things play out naturally. there's no rush to this

My above post was for gingers thread ^^ not sure why it posted here :$

Anyway, juju, I'd the situation with this guy doesn't feel right, then maybe it's not. You have a right to say it's not for you and to move on. I can see the lure to be in a relationship especially with someone who you see has the family morals you are searching for. As others have said there are other things to consider and things that are important for a relationship. It mgihr be unreasonable to expect everything to be perfect but you don't have to let go of everything else because he checks off one category either. It takes time to really who someone is during dating and if they're a match or not. You've both been together a while and maybe the things that don't match are starting to come out. Either way do what feels right for you, I hope you find some clarity soon, either way

Thanks fogg and eye tie.

Eye tie, that is perfect wording. And i am afraid i am "fluffing up someone" because i want a relationship.

I think he is like that too. Like he wont date someone horrible, but will make it work woth someone cause he wants a relationship.

He ended up apologizing and saying his intent wasnt to hurt. That he wished i had said something then in the moment instead of simmering and waiting a week, cause i caught him off guard and he had no idea i was mad and had to go back and remember what was being said. And that he felt blind sided and sucker punched by me. And that hes afraid i am gonna hold a grudge and play games.

I said, i need to trust that i can communicate with him and that i feel like he is anput winning the argument and not about listening to my feelings.

Things are ok.I am not very comfortable though.

I have to say, i took a trip with son, and so many little annoying things kept coming up. I realized they are bound to come up whenever you travel cause its new and you are navigating unfamiliar areas. I started thinking, its a good thing he wasnt here cause i made a lot of wrong turns, went to the wrong parking lot that the restaurant was in, forgot my sneakers, my son got ice all over the hallway and i wouldnt want someone getting annoyed and calling me out on it. It was easier to not have some one to answer and to not have soneone to comment or nag.


It also made me look into a very ugly mirror. I was constantly critiquing my ex. Making snide remarks meant to inflict guilt with my ex.

I cried not because of the guy, but because i had put my ex through this. My ex is very intelligent. Perfect math sats type of intelligent. Incredible at directions. But he had trouble getting out of the house. And ugh. I complained and made a big deal. I should have just accepted amd lifted him up. He was accepting of my flaws and never ever put me down. Until BD.

I am pretty intelligent in certain areas, but it takes me a while to process when it comes to directions or in new environments or with emergency situations. (I could not function as a nurse, but make a good PT where i have the luxury of an hour eval and trial and error to problem solve) Im a bit scattered and slow. And ng complained and made a big deal. I dont know if he will again, cause he now knows i wont accept it. But knowing i did this feels bad. And i miss my ex.

I am pretty sure my ex is an addict though amd had been for a while. So he might not have even been there with me to nag me? Maybe he was just going through the motions?

Ju

You keep looping on the ex, until you put him down, stop questioning or rewriting the past you won't move on. The same issues torture your mind and you want to punish and blame yourself as that may give you more control.

You did that which you did, now is not then.

Maybe you need your time to get ready to date, to be really free to make great choices.

V