Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W rushing thru D, help

I was weak!!! I texted W that it hurt to not hear from her yesterday..She said "I am sorry about that, I hope you had a good day. Just trying to DISTANCE myself, so I can move on with my life. I certainly didn't do or not do anything to intentionally hurt you"...I agreed that distance will help us both move on with our lives..

I thought I was the one that was trying to distance myself, I thought she already did a really good job of it, when she asked for D and rushed through it so quickly...How much more hurt do I have to take before I realize it is over and let go?!?! It seemed so much more promising a few weeks ago and now all Hope is gone..I just don't have the patience to feel this depressed and let time heal, I feel like I'm wasting my life

Cory, have you read NMMNG? Do you know what a "covert contract" is? "A covert contract is an unwritten agreement that you believe you have with your spouse, friend or a coworker; the only issue is that the other person has no idea that a contract is in place." Your contract is that she did X, Y and Z for 12 years and thus owed it to you this time as well. So now you're angry that she violated a contract that she knows nothing about because it is completely in your head. Ask yourself if your expectations were reasonable given your current marital status.

Here's the thing, your W is no longer responsible for your happiness. That responsibility falls squarely on YOUR shoulders. So do stuff that makes you happy and quit worrying about what she is going to do, or not do.



Hey, I hear you. We all go through that phase. But there is no reason any more than there is a reason a small child dies of cancer. Things happen that are beyond our control, the measure of who we are is not that we prevent those things from happening (because we can't), but rather it is how we react to them when they do happen.

This is money right here.

I think of Tom Hanks' character in Castaway. He had multiple opportunities to just give up.

- Plane is going down is going to crash
- Stranded on a desert island for 4 years
- Rescued only to find his fiance happily married to someone else

At all of those points and anywhere in between and after he could have just decided it was too hard, curled up into the fetal position and given up to die.

But at the end of the movie he is standing at a crossroads. 4 different directions to choose. Unknowns down each path. The implication is that because he fought through the adversity of the 3 events above, he had a bright future awaiting him down any of the paths that he might choose.

That is your life Cory09. You can curl up in the fetal position, choose to ask why and why me. Or you can get back on your two feet, choose a direction, and go for it with all of your energy!

That was a very kind response from her, and I think it was genuine. She was probably afraid that saying something to you would send you the wrong message and give you hope when (she thinks) you shouldn't have any.



It's only been 2 months since BD, you are still at the starting line of this marathon. She is going to be in this mode of creating distance between you two for quite some time. You have got to be patient, this is NOT going to resolve in days or weeks or probably even months. A good friend of mine got BD'd and his W left him and immediately moved in with OM. They had a business together, ended up selling their home and the business and splitting everything and after that did not speak for 2 years. Not one call, text, email, nothing. Then she texted him asking how he was doing. That led to more texting, then dinner, then dating, then 2 years ago they moved back in together and are still happier than ever before.

There are a few things I hope people take away from that true story. One is that TIME and SPACE means exactly that. LEAVE HER ALONE. Second, these situations always take MUCH longer to resolve than people expect.

And now she knows she still has complete control over you. How does that feel? Better or worse than her not wishing you a happy birthday?

C - Very early on in my sitch I had to make the decision to not have my EW attend my birthday party. It occurred about 1 month after she moved out. It was a hard decision to make but it was the right one.

Remember you do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. Chasing someone like that makes you look desperate and weak. Also remember that the desire to save yourself has to be greater than your desire to save your MR.

There are thousands of ladies that would love to be with Cory09 so don't give this 1 fish in the sea the power to determine your path forward and value.

Cory, you made some mistakes. It happens. Now to understand exactly why they were mistakes. BTW, the answer is not because I wasn't supposed to.

As Steve85 has said, you let WW know that she has control over you. This makes you look weak. A solid plan "B" if this new project doesn't work out. I will add that she believes you to be needy. Unattractive. Wrong message, buddy.
I know that you see this but understand why.
You are going to be okay, with or without her. You are. Now act like it.

Your happiness doesn't depend on some entitled emoji. Acting like it does, doesn't help at all. None.

Now start imagining the possibilities of being single. Total autonomy. Your sense of well being has nothing to do with what someone else didn't do. How liberating. This makes you look attractive.

Bring those ideas to the board first, so we can tell you what you don't want to hear ahead of time and spare you some pain. You do want to get back with your W, right?

So use the resources you have to make that happen. Your W was being kind by not giving you false hope, but I'm sure she loves that she still has a little fishy on the other line, just in case.

Yes, everyone I agree with your assessment 100 percent..I panicked,let me frustration get the best of me, and yes let her know she is in control...I'm just emotionally and mentally WORE OUT and just want to stop feeling all together...It seems like she's totally been in control from the start and I've been getting steamrolled from BD, to D papers in such a short period of time and all I've been able to do is listen, validate, not bring up our relationship and detach with all of these unanswered questions and so much that I'd like to say...
This is how I ended our text message "You were never willing to explain to me why you were in such a hurry to leave our M and left me to try and fill in the blanks.. I agree, distance will help us BOTH move on with our lives" I know a WAW doesn't care about anything but herself but I wanted to communicate that I'm disappointed in how she's went about this entire thing..That has really been on my mind throughout this entire process! I now understand that I'm now completely back to STARTING ALL OVER..Once again, did this help me attain my goal, absolutely NOT!!!
I gotta find something positive to cling on too..I really truly enjoyed every single thing about being Married, and it's overwhelming to me that I'm heading in to the last 1/3 of my life starting at rock bottom...I just don't seem to have the resilience to keep picking myself up and moving forward at this moment...

Just keep fighting man. You don't know what will happen so get up and get ready for the next opportunity.