Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W rushing thru D, help

Thanks guys..Yes, I feel like I'm doing everything that I possibly can and I can draw at least a little bit of peace knowing that I've exhausted all avenues to make this M work...

Joseph, Actually when I visited my therapist the day after the BD and explained everything her exact words were "This has nothing to do with you or anything you did...It is all about my wife going through an internal struggle", which being a man the first thing I wanted to do was help fix it but it is a journey that she's got to take alone..

Like everyone says on here "Patience isn't a virture, it is a NECESSITY"...Which can be very difficult when you are so longing for the life you had before the BD...Nevertheless, this is something that has been done to me and I have to try and control the only thing that I can and that is my reaction to it...

Thanks again for everyone's continued support

This is absolutely the right mindset. But I wouldn't discount my contribution to the atmosphere that set this up to happen. Yes she did this, but placing blame is counterproductive to fixing it. And I understand the need to not take the blame. I do.
But it also a great opportunity to take inventory of oneself and get busy becoming an even better you. Anger is an energy. Put that energy to work. This also takes your focus off of them and that in its self if a key element in DB.

Tomorrow is sure to be an emotional day and I'd like any advice that you guys have for me...It is my birthday and my W always made is so special with a cute scavenger hunt that led us to some fun adventure for the day..The majority of the friends we had were our friends..All of my friends prior to marriage were players and I distanced myself from them so I'm going to try to fill the void anyway I can..

My question is what would be best for me to do if W contacts me? Like I said I'm doing a good job going NC but I don't want to be rude..My guess is to keep it friendly like I'm talking to cashier but is it true NC when she seems to be contacting me often about little things?? Like I said for first 6 weeks after BD she contacted me about something everyday except for a few here and there...Since last Monday when we signed D papers, she went 2 days then contacted me about something financial..I guess I'm just confused on how to proceed...Thanks for advice

If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she texts or emails you a happy birthday message, simply say thank you. Fin.

Well, it turns out that my W is a Pro at the WW stuff, detachment,LRT,etc...My birthday came and went today with NOTHING, no acknowledgment whatsoever..I don't know why I was expecting anything except that she has been an integral part of this celebration for 12 years..Isn't it just human decency to at least send a Happy Bday emoji or something to someone that dedicated 1/2 of their adult life to them??
I'm not sure why I'm so devastated and disappointed considering this is a women that had a 1 night stand and then the next day asked for a D. Even more baffling, why do I want to fight for a marriage that she doesn't want and is very clearly communicating this to me and to the world?? Even more twisted, with all of these facts, emotions, and events, I still love her and would like nothing more than R...Bizarre!! Even more weird, I still believe that she is a good person, with a good heart..I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that this isn't a nightmare and my life has been completely turned upside-down and for what reason...Why is this happening??There must be a reason for all of this anguish, torment, and pain..There has to be a REASON!!

Sorry for the rant, but

Cory, I didn't get a happy birthday wish from my husband when I turned 40 a few months ago. I don't know how they can be so neglectful. I feel the same as you about my husband - still love him despite all the bad things he's done and wishing to understand what happened.

I hope you still managed to enjoy your birthday with other special friends and family. I hope the coming year brings you clarity and healing. I hope you'll understand everything someday. I'm hope in a few years you'll be able to meet up with your wife and she'll explain everything to you.

I didn't get a bday wish either buddy. No worries! It's just a day you have been told you were born on.

Don't apologize for the rant. You have real feelings and it's ok to express them.

Thanks again guys for the words...It's amazing what little things can affect your thoughts when you are emotionally spent and in turmoil...It's like 2 steps forward, slide down the mountain, 2 steps forward,slide down the mountain, etc..At least, I didn't backslide in my DB'ing even though it seems pretty futile at this point...Back to the climb discover some inner peace...

Cory, sorry about your BD. Happy Birthday by the way.

Take your emotions about this into account. It shows how much more work you need on detachment.

sandi says to look at your WW like a cashier at the store. If the cashier at the store needed to see your ID, saw that your birthday was today, but didn't acknowledge it, would it bother you? Of course not.

Make your goal that by the next milestone date (anniversary, holiday, whatever) that your WW's not acknowledging it to you will be meaningless! It won't affect you at all. If you can do that next time a milestone date rolls around then you will have properly detached.

Cory

Happy b day

I learned here to vent my feelings with abandon

Keeping them inside will literally kill you

My favorite suggestion

Get in your car and scream and yell

Scream at your w and tell her how you really feel

Given it is not productive to yell at her

And not productive to bottle up those feelings

I found it a healthy way to let it all out

Scream until your throat hurts

My steering wheel has heard some nasty stuff