Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W rushing thru D, help

Cory, just go in with your head held high, keep it high throughout, and leave with your head held high. Do not say how you feel. Only ask direct questions if you have them, and only answer direct questions if asked.

Signing D papers doesn't mean you have no hope of R. Quite the opposite actually. Lots of couples have D'd and then successfully R'd.

Thanks Steve, I so appreciate the help and insight..
Anyone in their right mind would tell me just to walk away, etc. but for some reason my heart isn't ready to give up..

Sending prayers

Here is why this was so difficult for me

I felt like my w was the only one who really knew me

So when she dumped me it felt like my world ended

Remember the Phil Collins song

As Steve said keep it business like

Head held high

Do this for yourself and your self respect and dignity

Not for her

Your tears will not change her mind

You being a dude who is strong and awesome and moving on with his life may in the future

Cory I was in your shoes 6 months ago and can relate to everything you describe. As the others have suggested, keep your head held high, and act like the most confident man in the world. You can go home and cry your eyes out but don't shy away from the conversation in the moment. My EW and I have been D'd since April and I can tell you it does get better with time. It is not the end of the world!

Maybe your W comes back and maybe she doesn't. Maybe you end up moving on and find someone else that blows your socks off. Just keep moving forward and what will be will be.

Stay strong!

Cory - I think I'm a few weeks behind you, but how you describe your life, your W, her change into a cold-hearted 'alien' and how you are feeling at such a pivotal moment could be describing me and my life right now.

We are about to tell the kids we are going to D after a whirlwind 10 week nightmare period of limbo, and she wants to do it fast as will not move out until its final, and it's killing me.

I'm not sure I have too many words of advice - Joseph, Gordie and Steve have probably hit that perfectly - I will be trying to follow it myself. Just to wanted to add my support for you, and for you to know that if you can stay strong through this, it would give me confidence to do so myself. Things must get better on the other side, as Joseph says - we just can't see it yet from the eye of the storm. That's what we've got to believe.

Stay strong Cory - we're with you man.

That's on the outside. Inside she's full of turmoil and confusion. She'll never show that to you though.



There usually are not any warning signs. Most WAS's say they tried to get their H's attention for years, but that's rarely the case. Whatever it is that bothers them about the M, they suffer it in silence more often than not. Most LBS's are just like you, confused and seeking answers, wondering what happened, why it happened, how they missed the warning signs. You never get answers, but you eventually come to peace with not knowing. These are not math questions to be solved, our WAS's are purely driven off their feelings and they can't even explain it themselves.



Like Steve said, D isn't the end of anything except the "legal" aspects of the M. You M is already over for now, D is just a formality. In many cases it's what the WAS needs to finally feel free of the LBS, and start their journey towards discovering the LBS may not have been the problem after all. And it helps the LBS to well and truly drop the rope and move on with their life. So try and look at the silver lining. I know it's tough to go through, but you've got amazing things heading your way in the future, maybe even a recon with your WAS.

Oh Cory, my heart goes out to you. It is the worst grief imaginable, there is nothing to make it go away but they say time will heal everything. It is okay to mourn the death of your MR, like the others have pointed out it does not mean the end of the world. I know it seems like it and you are desperately seeking answers, but slow down. Tonight and tomorrow will be the worst nights probably, after which it will slowly but surely get better. Can you take a vacation or a break for sometime? Change of scene might help you and do things you have never done before. Open up avenues in life you havent explored before. Stay with friends or family today and tomorrow, make sure you are not all by yourself. I can imagine you may need space to grieve alone but having someone just in the next room even helps beat the loneliness. You are in my prayers tonight, I hope god gives you the strength to go through this. We are all rooting for you, there are better days ahead.

Thank-you everyone for your words of encouragement and support. You motivated me to keep my head held high, remain dignified and confident, and acted as if I was moving on with my life during the D papers signing. I could tell my W wanted to engage in conversation, what did you do today, etc, and I kept my answers short and to the point. A 180 from how I've been engaging an listening the last couple of weeks and I can't help but think that I've missed an opportunity to continue to open that communication..But I tried to follow everyone's advice and lovingly detach and drop the rope..It literally took 4 minutes to wipe out 12 years of marriage..As we were leaving my wife walked out with me to the car ramp, I could tell she wanted to converse, but I wished her a safe trip, she is going to Vermont for business and then a couple of days of finding herself and continued walking on...Once again, I can't help but feel I missed an opportunity to open communication but like so many people said she has to feel what life will be like without me there for support...

I continued to walk around the city in a fog for an hour or two so proud of what I was able to accomplish in that ridiculously short meeting...However, after a couple hours of reflection there are NO WINNERS in my situation..If I do manage to hit the lottery and somehow my W comes to her senses than we have years of trust building and piecing our lives back together...If she wins, this is it...I've lost the love of a lifetime,my best friend, and all of the amazing experiences that we share forever..The bottom line is her moment of selfishness led to our lives forever being changed for the worse, as well as the lives of our family and friends forever being negatively affected...There doesn't seem to be any going back and repairing all of the damage, maybe that is why she is rushing to put this behind her and rushing through the D...Maybe she is smarter than I am and can see the writing on the wall while I'm foolishly clinging to our motto of "We can handle anything as long as we have each other"...I don't know the answers and quite frankly my mind has had enough...I'm an intelligent man that relies on facts and has a great intuition of reading people because that is what I do for a living...Yet, I still refuse to give up hope that I hold that winning lottery ticket..Maybe after I have finally suffered enough Pain and Sorrow, I will wake up, be a man, pick my self up and kick myself in the ass and move forward to finding someone else who will cherish me..Its just right now my heart and intuition is saying not yet...I write this as I sit here in amazement that she hasn't contacted me tonite to discuss today,I was the epitome of the man she fell in love with, that just proves to myself how far gone from reality my perception is right now:-(

Thanks again, you people are all unbelievably amazing and great human beings for being here to support me and the other men/women who are suffering the same as I am..I can't tell you how therapeutic it is for me to get these ruminating thoughts out my head and know someone is listening..I will forever be grateful

Cory

Best wishes

Life does not play out as we expected

I learned that the hard way

But learn to truly believe in your heart

This is not the end of you

Cory, I forget how old you are, do you mind telling us?

Remember, our life is our life. People come and go from that life. Have you seen the Pixar movie Up!? The underlying theme of that movie is that life isn't about being stuck in one place. We can try to demand that nothing changes as the world around us changes, but then we are only limiting ourselves. The point is that others may come and go, but we still have our life to live. In the movie the main character's W dies and he has a tough time moving on from it. But that circumstances occur that finally make him realize that living his life to the fullest is really what is important.

Getting our house to the falls is meaningless unless we are fulfilled when we get there. Things can't fulfill us, but finding happiness and meaning in other ways can. The main character finally realizes that and realizes that letting go of the past is the best way to embrace living his life in the future.

Cory, you are the precipice. You can remain stuck and step over the edge. Or you can turn around and life your life to the fullest! Best of luck my friend.