Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W rushing thru D, help

My suggestion is to give her space and time, and don't pursue her.

Wow Cory, that moved past quite quickly, she seems to be wanting to communicate and you help up so well. Hope things start looking up for you, good luck!

OUCH!!! Just when things were hopeful and progressing so positively, my W stopped by my apartment today to tell me that her lawyer has filed D papers and wondered if I could sign them and the settlement on Monday..She mentioned that she was going to file weeks ago but since our communication opened up, nothing was spoken..I fully listened to her, remained strong,showed empathy (I realize this is very important to you, etc)and acted "as if" I was OK with moving on...All while my heart was racing, a huge black hole ripped through my chest, and devastation/despair ran through my body..
Am I making this too easy? Does she want me to be assertive and Stand Up and Visibly fight for this marriage?Will that push her away and validate her decision? Please help, What do I do now??? So much pain!!!

Cory, I can only personally say what I'd do in your situation but I'm not a veteran here. I'd put up one last fight before agreeing to sign on Monday. I'd say something like "We're communicating so much better now. I believe we can fix this. I believe in us. We don't have to do this. We can make this work." If you don't do that, you'll always wonder what may have happened if you did, just in case she's not sure in her own mind. Then if she still insists on the divorce you can go back to the same approach of validating, acting as if, etc..

Hi Sandi,

I'm interested in your opinion of my latest conundrum...You suggested to give her space and time...I have not been contacting her at all but responding to her contact, which she has contacted me just about every single day..It seems like she wants her cake and eat it too...I've been kind of in between a rock and a hard place...When I look at what has been working to break down her wall it has been communication but obviously not working that well because she wants to sign divorce papers in 3 days...In no way have I done anything that she would perceive as pursuing, I believe...Anyways, I've its been suggested that I do a 180 and go into the divorce meetings content and confident to move on..180's have also seemed to be working, when I wrote her the letter of release a couple of weeks ago saying good bye, she said that wasn't at all what she expected and her demeanor seemed to change, I'm guessing she expected me to try and change her mind, and she said Thank-you..I know in your postings you suggest tough love when it comes to WAW, any suggestions on how to go about my situation?? I plan on going dark as soon as we sign the papers...

Thanks as also for your opinion...

Cory, sandi suggests tough love when it comes to WWs, not WAWs.

LRT after signing the papers sounds like the right approach. Obviously not going LRT is difficult in the situation that the D papers are signed. You have to show her you are moving on, not just write it or say it. And LRT will give her two feelings: that you've truly moved on, and that she has no control over you. That last one is usually very disconcerting for WAWs/WWs. And that is usually what will cause them to come crawling back, or least show renewed interest in you and what you are doing.

Yes, WW's want their cake. In this case, I suspect she wants to keep you attached as a best friend. The H's idea of the friendship vs the WW's idea.....doesn't work. He reads the friendship as being the road back to MR. WW's take advantage and use the friendship like a tool to benefit what ever she wants in the moment.



I suspect she was controlling this communication situation more than you realized. She was pulling you in, and had the D papers ready to sign before you knew what hit you.

IMHO, trying to have a warm, empathetic, open communication with a WW, is like trying to pet a rattle snake. It's best if you just leave it alone and let the snake be on its way.



I agree, b/c there is nothing that you can tell her that is going to stop it.



I agree that you should go dark. That means you will not be available to her. No more answering her text messages. No more meeting up with her, recuing her, being her BFF, etc. Don't be face book friends or any of that stuff. Don't show up at events you know she'll be attending. Don't try to keep contact with her family/friends. Let her experience life without seeing or hearing from you. She needs to have the feeling that you have vanished from her life. MWD talks about the last resort after the LRT, and I believe it is the true definition of going completely dark.

Warning....this is totally opposite of what your emotions will dictate. However, you cannot live your life expecting to hear from her saying she has changed her mind. It may take her years to work through her issues. She may get remarried. Who knows? She's going to do what she wants to do, and you need to be far out of the way or you will get hurt over & over again.

Move forward building a life without her. If you want to cling to the hope that maybe some day she will change and want to be your W....that's okay. Just understand that it's not going to happen in the next few weeks, or months. (((hugs))) I'm speaking realistically. I cannot tell people to keep hanging in there when I know the WW has to go through a process of her own. Do I believe she can go through therapy and there could be a future for the two of you? It's possible. I just don't think it is healthy to put your life on hold, waiting for it to happen.

I'm sorry if I'm not encouraging. You asked, so this is me telling you how to implement tough love. When D papers are signed, then going dark is the only effective thing left to do, IMHO.

Thank-you so much..Sometimes it is difficult to wrap my head around that 7 weeks ago we were vacationing and celebrating our 9th Anniversary and she's telling me how much love she has for me to going in and signing divorce papers in 2 days..It is so bizarre to try and understand and to be honest I might still be in shock..I've heard that their is no OM but her friend has set her up on a date already, this coming after she just told me "Im using this time to find out who I really am"...It is clear she is no longer the loving,nurturing wife that I've been with for 12 years but I can't seem to find a strategy to get her out of my mind and heart...I keep ruminating, looking for answers to how she could become this selfish horrible person that seems brainwashed by her horrible new best friend who is also divorced after years long affairs...How could she go down this pathetic path..
I really, truly can't believe how devastating this is to my mind, heart, and soul..I already know the answer to this but is there ever a chance where I can describe to her the destruction and devastation that she's done to not only me, but family, friends? I've done a good job of keeping this to myself..

Sorry lots of ramblings but when I heard she was dating before we signed the Divorce papers, it really through me into anger,panic,desperation mode and I'm struggling come out of it..Thanks as always guys for the support and input

Cory09

She is only thinking of herself right now

You cannot control her

And cannot do anything to make her hear you

You can only control you

I followed the advice here to generally avoid all R discussions

And that was great advice

But only you know you and your situation

When w would say she loves me

At some point it hurt too much

I told her stop saying that

She insisted

If you loved me you would not treat me like do do

We got in a big fight

All of my anger spilled out

It was healthy for me after bottling it up for so long

And it did help to turn things around for me

She dropped her OM and the divorce

It is in the somewhere in the book under after LRT and ultimatums

You can only do and say these things when you really mean them

And are willing to follow through

And yes to hear your w is with OMs

It is soul crushing

Take care of yourself

No one else is taking care of you